Oh no, what did you have to go do that for?

P.S. If you two are "coming together" all the goddamn time, she's planning it that way so it's over and done with.

Excellent point in the PS. Talk about choreography, Twyla!

Sorry to spill the beans, Amanda. Just couldn't help myself. Love the choreography line. Anyone else know any telltale signs???

Love your post, and while I recognize that I am in the vast minority, I don't believe in faking it--EVER! Seriously, why should a man or woman be led to believe that they are doing something good when they are really failing miserably? How will they ever learn?

I've been with men who thought they were the king, and I curse every woman (or man) before me that let them believe they were!
Now, there I am left to either walk away dissatisfied OR I have to put on my teaching gear and go to work, neither of which is particularly fun when you're hoping for satisfaction.

So ladies and men of the world, let's help each other out and share the trade secrets with one another.

Faking it is serving no-one.

Tell me about it. I'm in my 30s and tend to date men at least 10-15 years older than me. One would think these guys would have plenty of experience under their collective belts, especially the divorced ones.

I don't know how many times I've stopped myself from blurting out something like, "Are you kidding me? That's it?" I learned the "hard" way it's best not to say anything too castrating in the presence of an erection lest you scare it away. Whoopsy.

In an ideal world, sure, no one should have to fake an orgasm. If I'm emotionally invested, I'll try teaching an old dog new tricks, but it's exhausting and a real time commitment. I disagree that you should never fake. There are different kinds of fakes.

The Pity OrgasmThe guy already has really low self-esteem and you're taking pity by trying to boost his confidence. No need piling on after mommy and the exes have done the initial damage. This guy is trainable. Typically they just want to please, but first they need the confidence booster.

The Get It Over with so I Can Go to Sleep Orgasm: This one's self-explanatory. If I have to employ this fake, I'm probably not going to see the guy much longer.

The It's Just Not Going to Happen Tonight Orgasm: You can't knock it out of the park every single time. You might be preoccupied, tired, whatever. It's not his fault, so why make him feel bad about not achieving climax when he so clearly enjoys being able to do that for you?

The We Both Had too Much to Drink and I'm Beginning to Sober Up Orgasm: Alcohol and sex are funny. A little loosens things up. Too much makes for one uncoordinated, sloppy mess. Belching is definitely not a turn on. This is a variation of the Getting it Over with Orgasm and is forgivable.

The Cry for Help Orgasm: This is standard operating procedure for the pre-orgasmic woman. She's never had another person bring her to climax (but is able to achieve it on her own). She likes the physical closeness of sex and fakes it because she doesn't know what she wants much less how to ask for it. Sad, sad creature...

Love the post, and I agree with Beth about not faking it. I thought it very interesting about the whole "a man doesn't have the same equipment" thing. Sometimes it makes me smile with joy that my partner has the same "equipment" and....well, you get the point.

I do wonder, however, if sometimes some folks think the female body really IS that elevator button or radio knob or a drag strip for the "off to the races" or "burn up the pavement" kind of person.

I've talked with some of my female friends (gay and non-gay) who feel like they were being treated like that elevator. I didn't know what to say to them then, and I still don't know what to say now.

I guess I'd have to compare it to football......a penalty flag should be tossed for a personal foul--improper use of hands. The penalty results in a five hour rest period with manadorty research on how to properly use "the equipment".

What a great post. Really enjoyed it and maybe even learned something - of course no one has ever faked it with me ;-). My favorite line "Men bitch that women want to talk after sex. Yeah. Know why? Because they're faking their orgasms." I really never understood the mind of a women on this issue. MAYBE if it is a one night stand and you will never see the guy again - so yeah you wasted some time, he got off, you didn't and then you move on - but in a relationship? talk about cutting your nose off to spite your face. If the guy you are with is so insecure that he is not willing and able to take some constructive criticism, maybe you should move on. Sex (like everything) has to be about mutual satisfaction. That does not mean you always have to have an orgasm, sometimes an orgasm is not important (tantric, etc) - but faking it - sad...

I began reading this post thinking I would not be able to relate. Well I was wrong. Who doesn't fake an orgasm? Haven't we all at one time or another. I know you'r saying "your a male you know nothing about faking an orgasm". Well first of all im only part male. Second of all, there Are Not A Lot of sexual postions gay men such as myself can perform. Some men are kinky, and when one sucks on your whole foot, which happened to me a few weeks ago. What do I do? Do I enjoy it? NO, but I don't want him to feel awkward so I pretend to enjoy it, even if I do moan a little louder than usual.

I have never had my foot sucked on before that day, and believe me I hope I never have to fake my enjoyment again.

Both of you make great points. If a couple isn't mutually satisfied, eventually you'll resent the other person and withdraw emotionally and physically. Once that happens, you're just hanging out in the relationship, feeling angry and bad and that's not living.

Or, one or both people have affairs, justifying it because they can't get it at home. It's also time to move on if that happens. Cheating is the cowardly way to end a relationship. Besides, if you can't directly communicate your needs and end things properly in your current relationship, you'll just keep doing the same thing in subsequent relationships.

Great idea about the penalty flag. So many people go through life out of touch with their bodies nevermind understanding their partner's- men or women. Also, everyone is different. Just because one of your exes liked a particular technique doesn't mean your next boyfriend or girlfriend will like the same thing.

Sex is NOT one-size-fits-all. It's like driving a car. You wouldn't drive a Jaguar like you would a soccer mom mini-van, would you? Well, some people would, hence the problem.

We get unglued about not performing well and don't pay attention to how the other person responds to our touch, sounds and tastes. Think about how many people keep their eyes closed while having sex. No wonder so many of us are oblivious. It really is the blind leading the blind.

"Why do women fake orgasms?" "Why?" I asked. "Because they think guys care." The way he sees it, "as long as she looks like she got off, I'll take it!"

He mentioned that as a straight male, he's faked a couple orgasms himself. The way he put it was, "you're drunk, she's drunk, you know you're not going to come, so why not just go to sleep."

Looks like a lot of people, except for Beth, have faked it for all kinds of reasons: pity, sympathy, fatigue, fear of disappointing, politeness. Kinda silly, but then everyone's kinda silly in their own way. It's hard to get past the fears, whatever they are- rejection, anxiety, shame. All I know is orgasm feels better than fear, so better to take a deep breath and ask for what you want if you think it's worth your time and effort.

Its simple, because most men can't naturally give a woman one.

Women can have ORGASMS...???

I'm with Beth. There's no room in a healthy relationship for dishonesty.

Add Your Comment
so true that a woman who has had an orgasm doesn't talk!! we're just basking in the glow of it still tingling and enjoying!!

Very nice points..

I'm a man and I've faked cumming too. Sometimes just to get it over with once she's done.

Its hard for a man to fake it without the woman noticing, unless you use a condom and dispose of it quickly. I once dated a girl who would freak out if i didnt get off and accuse me of cheating or that i thought she was unattractive. Both women and men can be insecure on this issue.

BTW, Many women are there own worst enemy in the orgasm department. You cant complain if all you do is lay there and/or take orders. Give orders and move, find out what you enjoy. Men do not magically know what your thinking. I know you are surprised to hear this considering women will always think that men should always know what your thinking.

Relationships are not movies, soaps, love books, ect. Relationships are real life and in real life you need communication not "you should know what i want"