How to Spot Valentine's Day Keepers and Losers

There are certain days of the year that throw relatively well-grounded grown men and women into a tailspin: Valentine’s Day is one of these days. Silly? Yes. Stupid? Yes. Valentine's Day sends many men running for the hills and causes others to morph into events coordinators.

I've experienced the Valentine’s Day vanishing act on more than one occasion. It’d be funny if it weren’t so… sad. I’ve noticed there are certain patterns and techniques men use to avoid spending time with a new woman at this time of year:

Mr. Drag-It-Out. All of a sudden, the CPA whom you met on February 2nd, has a J-Lo like schedule and it’s not even tax season. Just to prove he’s not threatened by the prospect of unreasonable female Valentine’s Day expectations, he contacts you well before V-Day and “casually” mentions how busy his week is and suggests a “coffee date” at least 5 days after the 14th; just so you can’t spot the connection - pretty slick. It’s amazing. They really think this ploy works when it’s as easy to see through as a sheet of Saran Wrap. Pathetic.

If You’re a Wuss and You Know It, Clap Your Hands. Then, there are the guys who will unashamedly tell you that Valentine’s Day is “too overwhelming” for them and they can't possibly get together until the day has safely passed. When men tell me V-Day is “too much pressure,” I always bite my tongue and don’t ask, “Why? Did you lose a great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great uncle in the massacre of 1349?” There’s no greater unappealing moment then when I realize that I have more testicles than my date, especially since, technically, I don’t have any testicles.

El Disappearo Grande. This guy simply vanishes into thin air until hearts and flowers day has come and gone. He’s a variation of wussy boy above.

Mr. Nonchalant. This guy asks you out on or around Valentine’s Day, but makes no mention of the holiday. I can work with this guy. I’d rather hang out with someone who acts as if V-Day isn’t a big deal because, in actuality, it isn’t a big deal, than someone who engages in complex machinations in avoidance or goes “ostrich.”

Mr. Romance. This guy is as bad as the first three if not the very worst among them. He goes overboard and tries way too hard. I find few things more awkward than when a guy I barely know shows up with flowers and a Valentine’s date that’s as over-choreographed as a Baz Lurhmann dance sequence. It accomplishes the opposite of its desired effect: I immediately begin to search for the well lit emergency exits.

When you’ve just met someone, slow and steady wins the race. Granted, there are many, many women who make a giant to-do about Valentine’s Day. Gentlemen, you have my sympathy and GOOD LUCK. I wouldn’t want to deal with those creatures either. In fact, that’s why I give you a lot of leeway in tolerating the above behaviors. I realize you’ve developed a sort of Post-Traumatic Stress response to past over-demanding, whiny, needy female expectations.

Just think: It’s a whole 364 days before we’re confronted with this “holiday” again. Take a sigh of relief and enjoy the day… if you can.