Thanks to my unemployment (keep working, human Minion! Appreciate it!), I have oodles of time to peruse the tidepools and stagnant puddles of the Internet, and there are few sites I like more than online personals. Although I'm not looking for companionship, or even some mildly amusing romp -- I have far too many admirers already -- I do enjoy the way that people write personal ads that ensure no one will ever, ever want to date them.

Perhaps you're of this ilk, wanting to be left alone and yet your nagging mother has insisted you post a grainy photograph and some plea for affection, hoping it will bring her one infinitesimal step toward grandparenthood. Then fire away, Shakespeare. And, in case you lack the talent for writing a truly horrendous and off-putting personal ad, here are some tips:

- Sound kind of angry: keep sentences very short and staccato in their rhythm. Include vague philosophies that are somewhat violent, such as, "Hey, you're either the hammer or the nail, right?"

- Insult your potential date: why wait until you meet in person? State right up front what you think of men/women and how you're looking for the one-in-a-billion candidate who is unlike every other member of their miserable, lying, cheating gender.

- Allude to your disastrous romantic history: this one is all too easy. Under the guise of stating what you want, you can also provide a window into your burned-at-the-edges romantic career with phrases like, "No game players," or "Looking for someone who will be absolutely faithful, no matter what."

- Emphasize important points by using all-caps, as if you're shouting: this is a particularly fabulous technique when using negative phrasing, such as: "ONLY women who are height-weight proportionate. DON'T LIE in your description. I WILL KNOW."

- Really botch spelling and grammar: in today's text messaging world, who needs those archaic rules imposed on us through over a decade of schooling? If you want to be off-putting, go for broke on this one. Don't use the built-in spelling and grammar check tools that come with every word processing application, that just uses up over 5 seconds of your life! Your much beter of without it.

- Walk far beyond the line between confidence and arrogance: I do this every day, it's fun. And simple, too -- just take an attribute of yours that you like, such as your stellar work ethic, and turn it into a screed that proves your superiority over nearly every other human being on the planet. "I am a high-powered executive, who has succeeded at everything I've done." Extra points if you use this information with all-caps, or imply that the reader would be both blessed and lucky to land a date with you.

And that's it! Don't forget to include a dark photo in which you don't smile, or where you're obviously with an ex who has been snipped out of the frame. Good luck in your date avoidance.