How do you get through a divorce that you dont want?

Inner strength will help you immensely. I know it's easier said than done though. My parents after almsot 40 years of marriage divorced a few years ago. Time heals all wounds and I think that sharing and talking about it is helpful. My mother had stages where she felt sorry for herself and wanted others to feel sorry for her. Everyone has troubled times and it's helpful to receive emotional support to cope. You have two options. You can sulk and isolate yourself and get no where or you can keep your head up high, remain productive, social and start a new and improved life for yourself. My mother also saught counseling which was beneficial because she did not listen to friends and family.

I'm very sorry you're going through such a painful experience. Letting go of something into which you've invested so much time and emotion is extremely difficult and heart wrenching. It's been my experience that sometimes the most painful experiences are ultimately for the best. This probably seems like an empty platitude right now, but it's part of the process.

I've never been married nor do I have children. However, my parents divorced when I was 14 years old after almost 21 years of marriage. My parents' relationship when they were together, was conflict ridden and overall unhappy. There were good times to be sure, but they were few and far between. Ironically, my parents stayed together so long "for my sake." Yeah, because watching two "grown-ups" tear each other apart and emotionally withdraw from each other is great for kids to observe. In my own relationship experience, I know it's better to be happy on my own than unhappy and continually hurting with another person.

When my parents separated I was ultimately relieved. They both went through their own bumpy healing periods, which also wasn't easy to witness, but was better than living in the alternating hot war/cold war zone. After they got themselves back on track as individuals, both found love again, have remarried and are happier apart in their new lives than I ever remember them being together.

I agree with Mark's comments and advice. There are a number of support avenues you can pursue: individual counseling with a licensed and certified professional, support groups, pastoral counseling, etc. You're not alone in your experience and you may find it cathartic to reach out to others who are going through a similar situation. I wish you and your family all the best and admire your courage in sharing your story.

Best,
TJP

They say "whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger." While your current experience is clearly testing parts of you that, until now, have not been tested, there is no question that you are becoming stronger for it. Although it may not feel that way right now, as you emerge from this, like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, you will soon be able to spread your wings and fly again. That is the gift that you are giving to yourself and, even more importantly, the gift you are giving to your son. You will be showing him just how strong you really are and he will be able to tell stories in the future about how his amazing mom got through this with grace and love.

I invite you to practice "presence." That is remaining focused on what IS right now. Not on what once was in the past, or fears of what might be in the future, but on what is, in your life right now. Focus on what you have, on what IS working for you. Immerse yourself deeply in gratitude and appreciate all the positive that is in and around your life. The people, the possessions, your skills and talents. Bring your attention to what you appreciate and allow it to expand, ultimately eclipsing the negatives. This will tend to lift your spirits and re-ignite the flame of your passion for life. The more deeply and frequently you can practice this, the more rapidly you will tend to feel whole again. Begin each day by writing 5 things that you are grateful for and observe how it makes you feel. Begin now ...

My heart is with you, SMTES. Losing love is one of the most painful things that we have to go through, and I can totally relate to you. It's even harder when you have to take care of children at the same time. Another perspective, though, is that the necessity of caretaking can serve to bring you closer to your own truth and show you some of your strengths. Being able to stand outside of ourselves and our pain in order to serve others (in your case, your son) can give us a wider viewpoint and a deeper awareness of the direction in which we need to go.

I agree with others who have commented - be as present as you can, as often as you can. Although events in the past or future may hurt like hell, they are not anything you can work with. All you have is this very moment. Work with that, and continue to love yourself and your son, and one day you will wake up and move forward effortlessly.

SMTES, I really empathize with you in this situation. Last year I went through a separation I didn't want, and ultimately a divorce (which I did want after all that had happened). It's a horrendous time, and I'm so sorry you are going through it. I agree with those above, getting through this is going to make you a much stronger person and you will learn a lot about yourself. Right now that might not be much comfort, just know that there are some good things that will come out of this. A friend of mine says there is good in EVERY situation, sometimes you have to look really hard for it though.

I read your story yesterday and wanted to respond, but couldn't really come up with anything that hasn't already been said. Then last night a friend shared a quote with me that she heard from her tattoo artist Scott (got to give credit where it's due!). As soon as she said it I thought of you. I don't know how relevant this will be for you, I just feel compelled to share it...

"Sometimes people mistake the hard road for the wrong road."

It really hit home for me because although my divorce is now final, I'm having a difficult time, and occasionally have second thoughts. Even though deep down I know divorce was the best choice for both of us, it's still hard. Whatever the hard road is for you, whether it be working out your marriage or ending it, I hope you are able to keep in mind that just because it's a long, hard, difficult road it doesn't mean it's the wrong one.

Hi, SMTES.

No advice, just some questions...Ask your heart these questions and try to be still and wait for the answers. Be willing to be surprised.

Where do you get your inner strength from?
Where has it come from in the past?
Where would you like it to come from?
How can you set up your life now so that it is replenished regularly?

You are a whole person now. Nothing else is possible.
What has to happen so that you can feel that you are?
What is missing right now?
How can you find that?

Are you truly ready to move forward?
What do you need right now?
What is your first step toward healing?

Please know that you do not have to do this alone.
Where do you want to get the support to move forward?

Let me reflect that your description of this man is about his anger and frustrations, his need to be right and blame. Even though it may not feel like it, there is a great opportunity in front of you to work with the stories of your marriage and divorce and to find the love for yourself that will help you find the voice and worth and the magnificent no you've not allowed yourself.

One last question: how is your life better without him?

I want to acknowledge you for reaching out for support. As you can see from all the great feedback here, you have a lot of resources right here at PeopleJam.

I hope you'll let us know how you're doing.

all the best,
sharon