When my husband travels for work I don’t worry he won’t come home. He’s an engineer, not a soldier. I know when he travels that I’ll be able to talk to him every day and see his face on the webcam if I want. Thousands of military wives and girlfriends (and husbands and boyfriends too) like Elizabeth Dubbell-Beck aren’t so lucky. But in some ways, they may be luckier. The challenges they face require skills we could all use.

Beck’s husband, MAJ Will Beck is currently serving his 15th year in the Army in Iraq. He is gone for 15 months at a time, with only 2 weeks R & R leave that he is able to spend at home.

“Sometimes when you go through challenges it makes the time together sweeter,” says Dubbell-Beck.

More and more civilians are getting a taste of this marital separation as corporations are increasingly ‘deploying’ workers to far flung locations as the world market grows ever more connected. So what can we learn from Army wives about how to thrive amid all this separation? Aside from making marriage a priority, there are things we can to make our marriages stronger, whether we’re separated for work or living together every day.

Does Absence Really Make the Heart Grow Fonder?

According to Diane Sollee at the Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education a top predictor of divorce is habitual avoidance of conflict. It’s a lot easier to avoid uncomfortable discussions when your spouse is a thousand miles away, even for a few days at a time. Just over 50% of married couples reach their 15th anniversaries. In the military it’s worse. A 2005 study by R. Rogers found that almost two-thirds of all marriages of junior enlisted personnel end in divorce. So how have couples like the Becks succeeded, and what do they have to teach the rest of us about creating a relationship?

Lesson 1: Face Reality
A military spouse must be prepared for the fact that when his or her partner walks out the door to duty, they may never come back. Truth is, any one of us could be gone in an instant driving down the highway. Because they must ensure their affairs are in order, military couples confront tough topics.

Being responsible for everything also has its benefits. Dubbell-Beck is on top of everything. She and her husband have discussed every detail of their lives together, down to what kind of funeral each would want. Facing the harsh realities many of us choose to avoid may help to dispel unrealistic expectations of marriage and put the little stuff in perspective.

Lesson 2: Become Aware of Unconscious Patterns
When you have limited amount time together, it’s crucial that you be intentional with your actions and communication. For example, a common issue before troops being sent into the field is withdrawal. Prior to her husband’s second deployment, Dubbell-Beck consciously tried to not hold back from him, but found she did it anyway.

“He’s trying to get all of me he can, and at the same time I’m pulling away,” she said.

We’d all do better to pay attention to our familiar patterns. How many of us fall into bad habits without taking the time to think about what we’re really doing and how it affects the relationship? You don’t have to be separated to benefit from analyzing your own issues.

Lesson 3: Remember It’s Not All About You
It’s irritating to be considered the secretary at home, whether your mate is off in battle or just at a convention. But this is the reality when one partner is away from home for extended periods, or even short trips consistently. There’s a certain amount of resentment that can creep in when the one at home does everything and the one away just has to do their job - no cooking, cleaning, paying bills, taking care of kids. But that doesn’t mean they can do anything about it. Stop taking it personal and just deal with it.

Dubbell-Beck spent one Christmas morning upset because her husband hadn’t called, only to find out the phones were down. Now she tries to be patient. We’ve all been there. She also stressed the importance of humor. What can you do when the satellite goes spotty in the middle of your weekly phone call? Make robot jokes of course. Imagine how great our relationships could be if we all faced reality, recognized our patterns, and got over ourselves!