Tara, I can't tell you how familiar this is. I grew up in a family that took gift giving seriously. Everybody was supposed to come up with the perfect surprise. We worked hard to come up with clever gifts, and the effort was much appreciated by the rest of the household.

It took me years to figure out that other people's families didn't operate by the same principle... for years I could never understand why the person I was dating couldn't guess what type of gift I might have wanted. I always had high hopes, but they were rarely realized.

Silly me. It turns out that telepathy is not a prerequisite for dating.

It's great when someone gives you that perfect gift without having to specifically ask for it, but how often does that happen? Great gift giving is an art; either you have it or you don't. If you don't have it, I recommend learning to ask people what they want if they're not forthcoming.

Most people are bad gift-givers. In order to be a good gift-giver, you must possess two qualities: good observational skills and thoughtfulness. Bad gift-givers are especially evident during the holiday season when they clog up shopping centers. Bad gift-givers are also amateur shoppers. Most presents amateur shoppers/bad gift-givers purchase end up being returned, packed away, and/or thrown away (or, in my case, sold at my biannual yard sale).

You do not have to spend extravagant sums of money in order to be a good gift giver, although it doesn't hurt, depending upon the circumstances. You simply need to know a little about the person for whom you're shopping.

While I'm out and about, I notice items and remark to myself, “I think Auntie Carol would really like this” or “This was made for Cynthia.” If the items are reasonably priced, I purchase them and save them for the holidays or birthdays and/or give them as a random gift just for the simple reason that I love my friends and family. If, for whatever reason, I can't find a present I think the recipient will like, I take them to lunch or dinner at their favorite restaurant.

This is a much better way to shop for others as opposed to indiscriminately grabbing the crap that Lord and Taylor’s piles on a display table. This method of shopping also does not usually result in purchase returns.

Have fun at the malls, everyone. I finished my shopping ages ago.

TJP

Hi Tara and Rob:
I saw your thread about gift giving and I’d love to add a few thoughts!

In a small survey I conducted I asked men and women a few basic questions:

1. What do you think about giving and receiving gifts?

2. Are you an enthusiastic, appreciative receiver or does getting a gift make you feel uncomfortable?

3. Are you a spirited gift giver picking up small (or large) tokens of your esteem and affection wherever you go for the people you care about?

Here’s what I discovered:

• Women tend to be more comfortable than men giving gifts to family and friends not related to a special occasion;

• Women are more apt than men to give a gift to a friend;

• Men are willing and eager to buy gifts for loved ones especially for special occasions, though they feel enormously uncertain most of the time that the gift they buy will be valued and appreciated by the receiver;

• Men have less of a need to receive a personal gift than women, particularly for birthdays and anniversaries;

• Men are more welcoming and appreciative of a wider range of gifts than women; and

• Women make more meaning of the gifts they receive than men.

Here are a few personal **Gift Giving & Receiving Guidelines** I’d like to offer for your consideration:

When I give a gift the very act of giving says, “I was out in the world, saw this gift, thought of you and bought it for you. Please know that you are special to me and I care for you.”

It is not so important to me that people like the gifts I give, though I certainly hope they do. It is very important to me that people to whom I give gifts know that my “gifting” to them represents one of the ways I show that I care and that I am thinking of them.

As far as I am concerned, if someone doesn’t like the gift or would prefer something else, I want them to feel perfectly comfortable returning or exchanging it. The really important outcome of my gift giving to the people I love and care for is that they know I love and care for them.

So PeopleJam folks…

1. Why do you or don’t you give people gifts?

2. What is it about receiving a gift that feels good to you? Or uncomfortable to you?

3. If you could change one thing about giving or receiving a gift so that it would be a pleasurable experience, what would that one thing be?

I hope you can make giving and receiving gifts fun and meaningful!

Have a wonderful gift-giving season!

Warmly,
Dr. Jackie