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Holidates: Dating During the Holidays
Beginning a new relationship during the holidays can be extremely angst provoking. Issues that typically don’t arise until later in the relationship come under the magnifying glass and implode even the most promising of relationships. The holidays are stressful in and of themselves (financial, shopping, crowds, family, unrealistic expectations, etc.) A brand new relationship is frequently one stressor too many because people allow it to be.
Realistic expectations. Everyone dreams of the perfect holiday season; few of us, if any, ever get it. Keep your expectations realistic. If you just began dating someone a few weeks ago, don’t be devastated if you aren’t invited home to meet the family nor to the holiday office party. Don’t convince yourself he’s not “the one” if he doesn’t arrive with an extravagant gift in hand.
Would these be issues if, for instance, you’d met during the last week of February? Probably not. Try to keep it in perspective. Yes, it’s great to be coupled with someone you love during the holidays. However, if it’s premature, don’t force it or you’re likely to scare him or her away, which makes for a lonely new year.
Reframe and be reasonable. If you take away the emotionality attached to the holiday season (the high hopes, the inevitable disappointment), December is just another month in the Julian calendar, but with more twinkle lights. There are myriad ways to celebrate the holidays that look nothing like a Nora Ephron film.
Don’t expect your new romantic prospect to fulfill all your holiday fantasies. Instead, surround yourself with friends, family and people whose company you enjoy. If the new Mr. or Ms. Wonderful wants to be included in the fun- great. If not, there’s always next year after you’ve had time to cement the relationship and/or to move on if it’s not the right relationship for you.
To give a gift or not to give a gift. Generally speaking, if you just began dating someone a week or two before the holidays, a card and a small gift (a gesture) is most appropriate. You may also want to give the recipient a head’s up by saying, “It’d be great to see you next week. I have a small something for you.” There’s nothing more awkward than laying a holiday gift on someone who isn’t expecting it and, subsequently, has nothing to offer in return. This gives him or her a chance to pick up a bottle of Scotch or a DVD before they see you.
Furthermore, if by some chance you are invited to a family gathering, discuss the gift situation with your date. You should not be expected to purchase individual gifts for parents and siblings. It’s very appropriate, however, if you offer to bring a bottle of wine, flowers, or dessert. Try to foresee unpleasant surprise situations well in advance and prepare for them.
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I've been seeing someone for the past three weeks and I have to admit, the holiday air made us high enough to walk hand-in-hand through winter wonderlands. I mean, it was complete bullshit, a waste of time, and for a second there, the seasonal cheer had us both thinking that Santa shot down that shoot early AND with shiny, wrapped packages. All these Xmas songs make me wanna puke!
If I didn't make it clear, it is SO over between me and Santa's little helper. Surprisingly, however, I'm neither bitter about it nor looking forward to chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
Great advice, Tara.
I usually don't make it past Veteran's Day. In fact, I have a version of Taps on my mp3 player just for that time of year.
Dating around Valentine's Day is also a killer. Don't know why evergreen boughs and paper hearts drive people over the edge, but it seems to be an immutable law.
C'est la vie.
TJP
I love the reframe comment as I think you are right on that the Holidays bring up a lot of things for many people. They seem to be a big marker in time for some that screams expectations. I do think though that everything is an opportunity for growth and how people handle the Holidays is an indicator of where they are at. If you feel yourself wanting things to be further along then they are, you might hold in your own reigns and really asses where you can shift your energy and thinking to have more fun and satisfaction all around and not be looking to anything outside of yourself to fulfill you but allow what ever happens to be delightful. Full of light. Full of love. It comes from inside and then is reflected everywhere. While that may sound all gift wrapped and all, it really can be quite realistic and great to play with. I see so many people eating over their feelings especially around the Holidays because they want those good feelings to come from outside of them and to last forever and be a never ending happy Disney scene. Dating seems to me, and I'm dating right now, to be loaded with peoples desires and wishes at any time of year so relax and go with the flow and just keep it simple and fun. I like your idea about keeping the gifts small. Whenever I can, I like to make gifts to someone I don't very well, a tad humorous and keep the spirit light and playful. Thanks for the post.
Thanks for the insightful comment, Susan. Yes, this time of year definitely evokes the seasonal neediness and desperation for "happily ever after" in many people. Seems to me that we're primed to set ourselves up for disappointment.
As for me, I'm grateful for The Christmas Story marathon TBS airs each year, Caller ID, mulling spices and Jamaican rum, the roommate I don't like is traveling holiday week and the fact I no longer experience that crazed urgency to be in a relationship at any time of year. Life is good, with or without a co-pilot.
God bless us, everyone!
TJP
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