We’ve all heard it a million times – the most important thing to have in any relationship for it to succeed is (drum roll please…) communication. Well, guess what? Grandma and all the pundits got it right. Findings of the most empirical, rigorous, long-term marriage study ever done say the same thing – to effectively maneuver the world of intimate coupling, you have to be able to healthfully communicate.

That’s easy, right? I mean, we’ve all been talking since we were toddlers. And if you can talk, you can communicate, can’t ya? And if you’re involved with someone over one-year-old, they can talk. So it should be as simple as that.

But we all know it’s not – we struggle with how to approach tough topics, how to ask for what we need without making the other person start bleeding, how to be honest but not too honest. Most of us spend a great deal of time telling white lies, swallowing our feelings, and hoping for the best. Or worse, we start with good intentions but then can’t manage our emotions and pick the wrong timing, the wrong approach, and end up making the other person yell or cry or shut down – or leave, and then we wonder – what the heck happened?

If anything of this sounds familiar, I’d love to tell you you’re unique in your challenges. But, sadly, you’re not. Look around – your friends are having the same problems you are. And when you call them for advice, they say things like, “He said what?! Get rid of him!” But isn’t that what they said about the last guy? Your favorite characters on TV are no help, either. You know we’re in trouble as a society when the happiest, most loving couple in the media is Marge and Homer.

There really are rules to communication in relationships that, when followed, work every time. Because it’s not what you say, but how you say it and when that matters. There are several scientific research studies which have determined the ways men’s and women’s brains differ in terms of speech, problem solving, and instinct, why men are more likely than women to give the silent treatment, the ways men are inspired to give us what we want, and more. Because once you know how to do what works, you can teach everyone in your life how to communicate effectively with you. So no more enduring yelling, criticism, or ambushes. Won’t that be great? You’ll be the envy of all your friends, whose new response to your phone calls will be, “He said what?! You’re so lucky!”
And Grandma will be so proud.