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The Fear of Being Left Alone
Has anyone ever told you s/he needed “some space?”
All too often men and women are threatened by their partners needing or wanting “space”…an opportunity to enjoy solitude.
They somehow feel that if their partners really loved them they wouldn’t want to be apart from them. Or they take it personally and project that they have done or said something that has offended their partner and s/he now wants to get away.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
If you get lonely or feel rejected when your Honey wants to take some personal time, examine your fears and your attitudes.
If you feel the pain of loneliness or fear when your partner needs to create a time for solitude, please remember that you are reacting to a real experiences in your past; not what is happening right now with your partner.
It is healthy, and actually good for both partners to take time to be alone. It does NOT mean anything about you or your relationship. Rather, it is a message from your partner about his or her need to be present and experience his or her “Me-ness.”
Creating opportunities for solitude and becoming comfortable in your own company are skills you can learn and which will be hugely beneficial throughout your life.
Remember, only YOU can make it happen!
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In relationships, I'm usually the one who wants to slow things down or who is asking for space. I'm wondering if it's actually a fear of intimacy. I mean, space is good for everyone to take so that an identity is maintained and so that coming together becomes even sweeter. Instead of an obligation, it's a choice to be with the loved one that cannot be taken for granted. However, demanding space could also be a disguise for those afraid to love.
Hi Amanda:
Lots of good stuff in your response!
When I hear you say, “Slowing things down in a relationship…” it causes me to wonder if perhaps you are talking about a *dating* relationship or an *exclusive* relationship; or you are getting into *committed* relationships too fast; or perhaps you are in an *entanglement* NOT a relationship at all; and you are just calling it a relationship. Because, within the nature and structure of a committed relationship, going fast or going slow or slower isn’t even a consideration.
So I like to really chunk this down and think of relationships as (1) Dating relationships; (2) Exclusive relationships; (3) Pre-committed relationships; and (4) Committed relationships.
I love that you referred to the CHOICE to be with a loved one. Just a quick note to say that even if I choose to create an opportunity for solitude, I am NOT choosing to be away from you!
This post is to invite the folks who are in committed relationships and having twinges of pain or full-blown experiences of being abandoned if their partners chose to schedule time away from them, to explore the concept of “solitude as a valuable personal experience” vs connecting it to being left or rejected by their partner; and consider learning and practicing the skill-sets necessary to being able to do this easily and effortlessly.
Amanda, fear of intimacy shows up in literally dozens and dozens of ways and can be a “catch-all” for legitimate dynamics that are mis-understood or not understood at all. I invite you and all our readers to resist labeling feelings, emotions and experiences and invite you to drill down deeper in the quest to know more and more about yourself.
All the best,
Dr. Jackie
I've been in a position before where I have been asked to give someone space. But I have a bad habit of clinging like lint when I feel that I'm losing control of a situation. But now, I'm thinking that, "some space," might not be such as bad thing. Space allows a couple to miss each other and think about the good times versus dealing with the bad. Not to say that issues can be dealt with by avoiding them for a while, but time allows you to have a better perspective. Rationality comes forth and brings with it a new state of mind.
Loved this piece!
Hi Betty:
Thanks so much for your post and for your courage to look at yourself and tell the truth!
I want you to know that “clinging” is a very common reaction to being asked by your significant other for space. And I want to let you know that “clinging” is a defense process; and isn’t generally as much about *maintaining control* as it is about hedging being rejected or abandoned.
Real control issues are far less common and actually present in very different ways.
Most of the time, hedging (loss, rejection and abandonment) is the underlying purpose of “clinging” and behaviors like clinging.
You’re right! Some space is not a bad thing; and as a matter of fact is essential for everyone – whether you are involved in a relationship or not.
Asking for and taking *space* should NOT be used for taking time away from problems or from issues that need the attention and must be resolved. When we are not prompt about healing hurt feelings, resolving mis-understandings and repairing emotional ruptures in our relationships we risk resentment setting in.
Time is neutral. Nothing happens because of time. It is all about what we do in the time that matters.
You see, emotionally intelligent partners are able to (1) experience their feelings; (2) express their hurt, anger and disappointment; (3) ask for what they need and want; (4) listen to their partners while they express their hurt, anger and disappointment; and ask for what they need and want; and (5) resolve the hurt and upset; and return to the loving, respectful, responsible homeo-stasis of their relationship.
These are several of the essential relationship success skills that everyone needs to learn and practice.
Warm regards,
Dr. Jackie
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