FAQ’s for LOVE IN THE PRESENT TENSE

Oddly enough one of the most frequently asked questions that people come up with are not about their marriage, but about how to better relate to their children. Since the answer about both spouse and kids is the same I thought that might be a good place to start. What I mean about the answer is the same, is that relating to anyone has the same ingredients. I suppose that asking about one’s children is less risky then directly asking about the adult relationship. That is because the stakes are highest with our mate, meaning we have the most to lose in that relationship.

What children need most are happy parents who genuinely care about each other and are pursuing their own independent lives. This is difficult in today’s fear driven world. That fear makes it easy to hide out and make children the center of our lives. Don’t succumb to that trap. That much focus on anyone else is a set up for not connecting with anyone. The best relationship with your kids is having an interesting, fulfilling life of your own and let them have theirs.

The lure to be everything to our children has a hidden, unexpected consequence. That is that kids cannot meet adult needs, only your adult relationship can do that, so the unspoken dynamic is that the kids become responsible for your happiness because you are so devoted. What child can carry that burden, or ever repay that sacrifice?

If you are busy trying to coordinate several children for sports, dance, plus homework, then their social life, then there is dinner, laundry etc, etc. There’s hardly time to breath let alone have a life of your own. For most men, it is sticking a career in the midst of all that chaos. Intimacy with your spouse is distant dream of the past.

I remember those days, how hard and wonderful they were. It was so easy to slowly get caught up in doing more and more for my kids, the PTA, and whatever else came long, until there was no time for me. It was hard to say no and not feel guilty or selfish. It was also difficult to feel good about myself. The way out of that dilemma was to slowly find what I felt good about doing for myself and preparing myself for the inevitable time my kids left home. The big surprise was as I found myself and felt better about me, all my relationships improved significantly.

The answer to the original question, how to have a better relationship with your kids and your spouse, is to have a better relationship with yourself. This is difficult and requires lots of self-examination, self-discovery and personal growth. The journey is both scary and exciting, but the pay-offs are enormous.