J I love that you sense when your relationship needs a little boost. I am seeing your distinction of settling is when your definition of coasting has slid too far and the energy that a relationship needs to keep it thriving has been depleted. Is that correct? Than how can those folks that settled in a relationship that maybe is not what they thought they really wanted but it's what they have now, how can those folks turn it around to be what they really want? I see people who get married for many reasons. Some because they are playing to "win" as it were and others to get out of a situation that they are currently living. As in a woman who is struggling financially and then gets married to a guy to ease her struggle and sometimes she convinces herself that this is her perfect guy. I saw one woman who married a guy she didn't love because he was not only all of these things but she let herself get pregnant to boot so now this man will be in her life for the rest of her life. I would say to someone to shift into being the person that you love being and be loving, ask directly for what you need an see if you can create the partnership of your dreams even if you feel it may have started out as settling. What do you think J?

You're right Susan.. The good thing is that in most relationships when if the coasting has led to a settle, it can be brought back to a coast with some energy and effort- just like a bike. A couple who recognizes that they have stopped moving forward, that they have coasted to a settle can start back up by asking the question- what do we want our relationship to be like and what can we do today to start? The key is for the couple to realize that the settling mode does not have to be a permamnent one, but that moving from settling to coasting again requires small, steady, effort to gain momentum. The problem for many couples who enter marriage to "win" or to get out of a bad life situation is that they basically have little to no emotional momentum going into the marriage. Those who enter to win use all of their effort and momentum to "win" the marriage and usually there emotional fuel is depleted. Those who enter to escape a bad life situation again will find themselves in settle mode quickly because their motivation to get into the relationship in the first place has little energy for the relationship itself. A good question to ask before entering the relationship is " do I want to pedal for the sake of this person and this relationship or am do i want to pedal simply to get away from my current life situation?"-- that is the litmus test to determine your motivation for the emotional energy you need to put forth in a relationship...jk

Great phrase, JK! Both people must be willing to muster the energy needed to create the desired change. Without that mutual goal in mind and equal amounts of emotional energy to support it, there's no true partnership to speak of.