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Cougar Alert: You're grandma tried to rape me pt 2
When last you left me, I was sitting on Fahei's (the 68-year old grandma) bed. For those who have not read my previous post, basically, this woman tried to get me drunk and make sexual advances on me.
So im sitting on her bed waiting for her to come out of the closet. What's she going to show me? Her vibrator or maybe a picture of her and her old girlfriend? She walked out of her closet holding a computer. Hmmmmm... I immediately thought, "oh my god, grandma wants to watch porn with me." Turns out she wanted me to join one of those online dating sites to look for a girlfriend.
Now Amanda, I know it might be 2007, but when you make a profile on a dating site there is no box to check for "looking for chicks with dicks". I told her no I didn't want to make a profile and that we needed to talk about renting out her room. At this point, I had no desire to live there. I was trying to come up with any excuse not to. The room went from costing $500 a month to Fahei wanting me to live there for free and be her pool boy.
"Did I mention I have two cats that pee everywhere?! They dont know how to use a liter box!" I said. She had no problem with any animals I brought home unless it was the gay neighbor boy down the street. "Well I have a coke problem as well, just to let you know. People might stop by to pick up nose candy from time to time." None of this was true, but I needed something to get her to say "no, you can't live here". She was fine with everything! "I use to do coke in the 70s, so i completely understand". Wtf? WHAT DO I HAVE TO SAY TO GET HER TO SAY "NO YOU CANT STAY HERE!?"
Now it's the stroke of midnight. At this point, I know midnight isn't the only thing about to be stroked. I had to get out of there and head home. I had an hour long drive back up to LA. When I told her I needed to leave she got mad. For some reason, she thought I was going to spend the night. "I dont have any clothes or anything to wash my face and brush my teeth!" "Hold on" she said, "I'll be right back".
She left her room and came back with face wash, and a large pink woman's nighty with little red hearts all over it. "Strip down and take off all your clothes. I will wash them." She really was nuts! First of all, I was not about to spend the night much less wear a womans one piece nighty. I only do drag once a year and thats halloween. My "one time drag voucher" had already been spent, sorry.
"NO I really need to go home. Where would I sleep?" Did I really have to ask? I knew she would say with me. "NO im going home!" I walked downstairs and out the door to my car. She came walking after me yelling "No, don't leave! I don't want you to get shot on the way back home to LA!" She insisted on telling me a story about a sniper who shoots people on the 405. At this point, I would rather die a martyr then sleep with her crazy ass. I got in my car and headed north.
What a night! I couldn't believe what had happened. I was immediatly on the phone with my best friend letting him know about the chimo (child molester).
For everyone looking for a new place to live, be careful and be particular when chooseing your next house or roomate. Learn from my story and be very careful.
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I like how passionate you are about this subject. Indeed, there are lessons to be learned. When I first arrived in L.A from NYC, the first place I checked out came with a 60-year-old man, in a white robe, that was open!!! He told me he was a nudist and asked me if I'd mind him taking off his robe. I'm thinking, "I already see how low your balls hang, nothing else could be worse." "Sure..umm...I mean, no, it's your home, do what you want, " I managed to say.
He went on to brag about himself, recalling the glories of his illustrious past. It was evident to me that this person lived in the past and was most comfortable there as he suffered from delusions of grandeur. The pad was super-nice though: million dollar view, right by the beach, too bad it came with Hannibal Lecter.
When he asked me to marry him, I nearly threw myself off the balcony. I told my friends the story and one person said, "sounds like you jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire." NYC is crazy but I think Los Angeles takes the cake if only because there are so many normal looking people who are absolutely out to lunch! At least in NY, what you see is what you get. People cash in on drag vouchers everyday, not
just on Halloween.
I miss NY, can't wait to go home for the holidays! Ever been there, MT? I'm sure you'd feel right at home! And everything, I mean everything, gets delivered right to your front door.
Crazy ladies everywhere. What the hell...
.... about what this post is doing here in "heroism". But I suppose you have another long colorful tale to explain that. Your stories are funny but they veer towards vulgar. I wonder if you are ruffling any feathers amongst the PeopleJam community.
why people jam would get offended over a woman trying to take advantage of me. This is 2007 people need to lighten up and quite being so ignorant. Stuff like this happens everyday whether people want to believe it or not.
The other day while watching the news, I saw a story of how a mom is being indicted on rape charges, because she slept with her 13 YEAR OLD DAUGTERS EX BOYFRIEND. Its f*&$& up, but it happens.
Its under "heroism" because I had to get out of a sticky situation, and also wanted to tell people a lesson I learned along the way.
Anyone who gets out of a creepy situation like this with his virtue in tact is a hero in my book. Additionally, your recounting of the incident is entertaining as hell. I was RIVETED.
I agree with MT. There's a valuable lesson in this. I doubly agree that the PJ community at large needs to lighten up and recognize that the world isn't the "It's a Small World" ride at DisneyLand.
TJP
Thats quite the story, glad you made it out alive!
Yup. I think what the 68-year old woman did to MTN is vulgar and I'm glad he made it out alright. Thanks for sharing your stories. I've read every single one. In fact, you're one of 5 people whose blog I read regularly. Thanks for keeping it REAL!!!!! My friend told me to join this site. I thought it was pretty lame at first. You definitely bring the flavah. Without you and a a few other people, this place is Stepford Wives on PROZAC, LEXEPRO and HALDOL. I like pushing buttons and hope you do, too.
SOS (sosubversive)
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