California here I come! A few months ago I packed a box full of clothes and drove to LA from Colorado. I needed a place to live. One day at work, this 68-year old Persian woman came in and asked for help. What a hot mess she was! Her name was Fahei (pronounced faahee). She had two little "special-ed" yorkies that looked like they were beaten with an ugly stick or maybe missing a chromosome. Whatever their problem was I don't know, but they were F*%$& ugly.

Fahei needed help in La prarie. yeah, she needed help. come to find out, she needed alot more help than I could give. While I scrambled around finding products, she asked about me. "Where are you from?", "where do you live?", "how long have you lived here?" I felt like I was on 20/20, and Barbara Walters was at my counter interviewing me.

Im a very trusting, free spirited person, so I answered her questions, not knowing that in a few hours I'd have Cher singing "If I could turn back time...." in my head, wishing I didn't give out my information so easily. I said I just arrived and was looking for a place to live. She immediately pounced and said "Im actually looking to rent one of my rooms. I live in New Port Coast by all myself and I get quite lonely. Would you be interested?"

"How much?" "You can come take a look at my house tonite and I'll charge you only $500 a month". I was so excited! How easy was that? I didn't even have to go out and look for a place. it came to me. She gave me directions and the code to open the gate leading to her house. Fahei paid for her products and left, saying "I'll see you later" and boy did she ever.

I drove straight to her place after work. I was excited to see the new mansion I'd be living in. I pulled up and thought, "thats strange" There were NO lights on. The house was creepy It looked like it was out of some horror movie. The paint was chipping away and the overgrown lawn was almost dead.

I rang the bell, anticipating an axe to come flying through her window. Waiting, waiting and waiting some more. My imagination was running WILD. What I saw when the door finally opened was worse than anything I've ever seen before, worse than an axe. God, at this point, I wish it had been an axe. anything to poke out my eyes and stop them from burning.

This 68-year old grandma walked out half naked ina bathrobe that was open, flashing me with her bra and undies. "will you come in and wait while I finish changing?" I was terrified, but tried to ignore it. I also had a morbid curiosity. I walked in and sat down at the kitchen table while I waited while she finished changing.

I looked around in her house and there was absolutely no furniture!? (WTF?!) She had a stationary bike sitting next to her tv in the living room. That was it! She came downstairs and announced "perfect timing" dinner is ready. "What the f$%k? she didn't say anything about dinner!"

She made two pizzas and a whole chicken, so random. Honestly, a whole chicken and two pizzas? Whose going to eat all of this? I sat down, wondering if she spiked the food with rohypnol or cialis. She asked if I wanted wine. She poured the WHOLE bottle of wine into a large glass mug and placed it on the table next to me. Yeah thats right...the bitch was trying to get me drunk.

I was hungry and didn't want to be rude, so had dinner. She spent the entire meal talking about herself. How she'd been married 5 times, how many houses she owns. This went on for 45 minutes and then started talking about sex. "yeah, back in the 70s I was bi(!) I liked the rug and stuck with it for a few years, then married my second husband" I almost puked. Now the spotlight was on me. She wanted to know about me.

"So do you have a girlfried"? I was shocked! I know im not the gayest of gays, but its still obvious im gay. I didn't know what to say, should I tell her im gay or pretend im straight? Being a smart kid, i told her that I haven't found found the right girl to date. Meaning I havent found a girl with a penis yet! "Well then lets go out to the bars tomorrow night and find you a hot one" she said. "Im not much of a bar boy so probably not". We continued talking about sex and relationships for a while longer, then she paused, "here come up stairs with me I have something to show you".

Dear LORD!. a.) what the f%#k does she have to show me and b.) what do I do? I couldn't run out of the house to my car. I was gated in. So, I followed her upstairs to her bedroom with my cell phone in hand. Just in case I had to dial 911. She told me to sit on her bed while she got something in her closet. I need to learn when enough is enough. Why am I still here? Better yet why am I sitting on her bed? Im just as crazy as she is! I wondered "what is she going to bring out, a sex toy or maybe she changed into lingerie?" Now I had, "Koo koo koo chew, mrs Muqhbar, Allah loves you more than you can know- whoa whoa whoa" playing in my head.

whoops-gotta go! just realized I'm going to be late for work. Will have to keep yu in suspense and finish the story later!