My last, big relationship was emotionally and psychologically abusive. I called it quits when it began to get physical. My ex had the ego of a megalomaniac; he was always right and I was always wrong. He was so skilled at playing the victim that it was difficult to tell him that he was "playing the victim." It was a disaster.

I crossed that thin line between love and fear many, many times that I wonder how I could've allowed another to thoroughly manipulate my mind as deftly as he did. I've learned the lessons but I haven't learned to forgive him. He's asked for my forgiveness but I only see it as another ploy to get inside my head for some compassion with which to leverage into who knows what.

I have to forgive because the person I want to be doesn't have any space in her heart for this bitter blot of b.s. I can't erase my experience nor can I embrace him as a friend even if he admits that he was a bastard. Yet, I want to be free of any and all negativity and be a better person.

I like to think of myself as having a very open and generous heart. Yet this story makes me feel like a hypocrite. Everyone (except saints) are kinda hypocritical in one way or another if they're super honest with themselves and with others--and my super-honest-higher-self-wants me to shed the weight of this burden and bury it in the ground.

My best friend, Max, who is an astrologer and web-designer (odd combination) told me that since my Mars is in Scorpio I can hate and hold a deep grudge for forever and a day. I don't know what to make of that..... all I know is that forgiving this particular person isn't a goal that I'll be posting anytime soon.

But I'll think about it.