I think it is easy for all of us to fall into the trap of “knowing”. We think we really know. We need to really know… a person, a place or a job…or in some cases we know we heard someone say a certain thing. (I will get back to this one below). The bottom line is that we are very clever and we can convince ourselves of any number of things…we are sure.
How many times have you actually ended up completely surprised to find out that the person, place or thing had some fascinating little twist in their “personality”, a quality, an opinion or a piece of history that you never saw coming. I have been humbled in this way more times that I can count. YET…I still do it! Crazy you say? Maybe. Or maybe it is just human nature to want to know. It gives us a sense of security (false though it may be).
So, what to do? Well, in my humble opinion, we have to accept this potential pitfall. Much like we do our saboteur (or Gremlin). But we must not stop there. It is vital that we learn to remain open and allow for the not knowing place…the place where it is not only ok not to know or be sure, it is an asset. Think of all the possibility and opportunity that arises from NOT knowing! How boring knowing sounds to me now! If you already know and you have made up you mind…where can you go? Where’s the excitement? What will motivate you?
Now having said all this, I of course know that we have to get to the place where we feel like we know something about a thing, or we get stuck and for a different reason, and still end up going nowhere. But you know the kind of “being sure” and “knowing” that I am talking about here. Your inner barometer will tell you. It just sits differently than an authentic knowing…doesn’t it?

Here is a small example of something I was sure I knew…something I heard and had a whole slew of feelings (hurt mostly) about.
For various personal and professional reasons, I have moved back into my parents’ house for a year or so. The other day I was getting ready to go into New York City and went in to see them and say goodbye. (I had put together an “outfit” I though looked pretty happening!) I left the room and was heading for the door when I “heard” my mother turn to my father and say “she looks funny doesn’t she”? I was so taken aback…hurt and suddenly self-conscious. I though about it for a second…then with a sort of determination to set her straight (i.e. what’s wrong with how I look…haven’t you ever seen a girl make a statement with a hat, a scarf etc.? You are SO conservative…stop squelching my self-expression!!!) I said something to that effect and my father looked up at me and said, “Laura, your mother said ‘doesn’t she look stunning’”. Ooops. Foiled, I mean humbled again! Get my point. Stunning…not funny. Big distinction huh? Even though I may have looked foolish going back in there, I am so glad I did. I would have never found out the truth. I would have been upset and sad and let that thing I heard and felt sure of ruin my whole day…or worse yet it could have put a wrench in my relationship with my mother.

Lesson: Risk looking “stupid” and get clarity for yourself. Even if she had said I looked funny, I would have had the chance to tell her that she hurt me… keeping my heart and mind open…and in turn helping her to open hers. There was really no downside to taking that risk. Maybe you can take a look at some people, places and things you think you know. Places in your life you are sure. You may find some juicy little surprises and who knows…you might even pick up a missed compliment like I did!!

Be well,
Laura Coyle