Yea, I can be pretty moody. Last night I essentially broke up with someone I really, really like over text messages. A part of me feels like I sabotaged the relationship and another part of me feels like I did the right thing by following my gut.

The things is that when I wasn't with him, the only thing I wanted was to be with him. As a person who covets her solitude, I hate the feeling of needing someone or feeling lonely when that person isn't there and all the other feelings that come with fresh relationships and romantic love.

So I ended it before it got worse. I chose solitude instead of loneliness because why put myself through the misery of missing someone who probably isn't "the one" anyway. Before anyone goes off on me about "the one," just know I already read Tara's piece about the myth surrounding "the one." Anyway, my solitude allows me to work on the spiritual and psychological issues that make me feel lonely when I really shouldn't be feeling that way. I want to address those issues and fill myself up instead of falling into a fear based relationship that will most likely end in more heartache as the other can't be expected to fill me up or cure my loneliness.

I wonder if I did the right thing. If he fights for me, then I did because I was honest with my feelings. If he doesn't, then screw him. No pun intended.

What do you think?

Hi Amanda:

I think - this is not about anyone else, one way or the other!

I don’t think breaking up with someone spontaneously and over text messages serves you very well, Amanda.

If being present in this dating relationship was worth your time, energy and attention; then saying good bye to him in person, in the absence of high emotion; and after you had thought it through completely, would probably have served you both better.

Healthy, meaningful relationships are not built or ended based on emotion; especially in the midst of drama!

Solitude is not an alternative to being in relationships.

Remember, solitude is the ability to enjoy inward quietness; and times of solitude are frequently enriching and refreshing if we use them wisely.

We can and must include times of solitude in our lives regardless of our “relationship status.”

Re your relationship status: You were involved. Now you are uninvolved.

You wrote:

“…my solitude allows me to work on the spiritual and psychological issues that make me feel lonely when I really shouldn't be feeling that way. I want to address those issues and fill myself up instead of falling into a fear based relationship that will most likely end in more heartache as the other can't be expected to fill me up or cure my loneliness.”

Bravo! You have hit the nail on the head, Amanda. I wish you very well with this very important and courageous personal work!

Warmly,
Dr. Jackie

it's not cool to broach sensitive topics by text messages. These days, people do it all the time. Technology is supposed to bring people together. However, it appears that sometimes technology is creating more separation. We've all seen two people sitting next to each other, each yapping away on cell phones as though a moment of silence between them would be too awkward, too much to bear. There are many other examples out there of technology doing more harm than good...It's the way our world is going...soon, people won't know how to talk to each other anymore without cc'ing everyone else on their list.

Anyway, I apologized by text and then called and left a voice-mail admitting that I was simply scared. I added that I was overwhelmed by the pace; essentially saying that I didn't want to call it quits, but that I needed to come up for air. When I finally did hear from him, he admitted that my initial text message did hurt him. We're both willing to see where it goes....but my gut tells me that it won't go anywhere. I should just enjoy our time together without any expectations, right?

Hi Amanda:

You make a very good point about the upside and downside of technology in contemporary culture.

Sadly, we are loosing the art of conversation and the very special art of letter writing. We speak to each other in abbreviations and in short-hand; and are over stimulated by the sheer volume of stimulus and interactivity of modern life.

It might be that apologizing and starting over with renewed attention to pace and vulnerability makes some sense. Though, if your gut says it won’t go anywhere, why are you wasting your time? What is preventing you from cutting your losses and moving on?

That is exactly what the dating process is: You meet someone; spend some time together; decide if you want to spend more time together; and continue spending time together OR end the dating relationship as soon as you know (your gut tells you…) that this guy is not a match for you.

You wrote:

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