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Are Men Afraid of Commitment?
It may be a worn out cliche' WHERE nid=but I still hear some version of this complaint from the women in my psychotherapy practice. The answer is no. Men can be very committed to careers, working out, keeping up on technology and lots of other things. Men have a very developed ability to be committed, that's not the issue. But, when it comes to relationships men are just as afraid as women are of one thing- rejection. Men are afraid of getting hurt so we protect ourselves with the strategy of withdrawal. It's not very sophisticated, but it's effective. If we aren't there we can't get rejected. Unfortunately, we won't get loved either.
We all have a fundamental need to relate, so rejection and abandonment are two things we fear most. Because men do not have the same ability to express emotions (yes, there are neurological differences between men and women in this area) we fear getting overwhelmed or told we are inadequate in the area of emotional relationships. Both are forms of abandonment and rejection, either way we feel alone and hurt. The masculine strategy of withdrawal is self protective, not because we fear commitment or intimacy, but because we are trying to emotionally survive the dangerous waters of emotional relationships. Overall, men are getting better with emotions, but we still hate rejection.
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Hi Dr. Mark:
Thanks so much for your beautifully articulated view of men and commitment.
I think all too often women lose sight of the fact that men are more like us than different when it comes to risking rebuff, rejection, or abandonment.
We are all getting much better at identifying, experiencing and expressing our emotions, don't you think?
And even as we become more practiced at being emotionally intelligent, I imagine we will still continue to hedge anything that smacks of rejection.
Happy Holidays!
Warmly,
Dr. Jackie
I'm learning that men and women both suffer from a fear of rejection. Dr. Mark is right on the money, men have different strategies of dealing with and coping with rejection. Society tells men that they're supposed to be so strong, they're supposed to support other people, bring home the bacon etc. etc. If a man feels weak, his entire world could come crashing down. It could take a long time for his ego to recover. Life as he knows it, may never be the same. A man can get his heart broken and become a hardened a$%hole for life! He might become a closet misogynist who sabotages relationships and abuses the women he claims to loves. In our modern society, both men and women have come to fear each other and I think they'd be foolish if they didn't.
Dr. Jackie,
Thanks for the feedback. I believe you are right. Men and women long for the same thing- a secure connection that works. We may go about it in different ways at times, but we share a fundamental need for a good relationship. The more emotionally intelligent we are about going after that, the more successful we are going to be at getting it.
Sincerely,
Dr. Mark
Amanda has a good grasp on the issue. It's not the absence of commitment that is the problem, but the presence of fear. Both men and women fear getting hurt or rejected and both do things to thwart love in life by not dealing with that fear openly. Pretending we are not afraid, or self medicating against it with other things doesn't help. If you are going to love you are going to get hurt. Don't let your fear keep you on the sidelines. Courage is not the absence of fear, but saying yes to love in the middle of it.
HELP! i met this nice guy and he chased me. now i have feelings for him, but he's backing away and says he wants to be friends any ideas? my email is purewhitelily@hotmail.com. email me if you know what's going on