I remember the first time I worked with a patient struggling to end his addiction. As I listened to him describe his experiences, I remarked how similar it sounded to a relationship with an abusive partner, particularly when one tries to end the abuse. An addicted individual does not merely “use” substances; they have a dangerous relationship with them. Drug use becomes the focus of their life, supplanting all other relationships, pursuits and may eventually kill them.

Initially, a person’s relationship with their drug(s) of choice begins as a fairy tale romance. He or she experiences sensations and thoughts (or alternately escapes thoughts and feelings) in a way they had not experienced before. It makes them feel good and, from their perspective, enhances their life. They may feel confident, witty, fun, sexy, creative and uninhibited for the first time.

It is not long before recreational drug use turns into abuse and addiction. The individual experiences tension if they do not have access to their drug. They plan their day around when and where they will use. The drug takes precedence over friends, family, work and leisure pursuits. It may take years before the person recognizes and admits there is a problem.

As in an abusive relationship, admitting there is a problem is the first step to seeking help. Initially, the individual admits they are abusing drugs, but does not necessarily admit they are addicted. Denial is one of the strongest defenses. They tell themselves they could give up the drug(s) if they choose to do so. They know there is a problem. However, they do not admit they have lost control.

Soon enough, the drug no longer has the same pleasurable effects it once had. It takes over their lives, controlling and destroying it, isolating them from family and friends. Much like with an abusive partner, the drug addicted person will do what the drug requires, be it lying, theft, prostitution, no matter how severe the personal consequences. Both shatter a person’s sense of self and worth.

Family and friends notice changes in the person’s personality, behavior and appearance and confront them. This may be enough for them to admit there is a problem. Alternately, many have to “hit rock bottom” before they acknowledge the problem and seek help (i.e., nearly beaten to death or driving whilst under the influence and killing another motorist or pedestrian).

Walking away from the drug relationship is not easy. Many fail in their initial attempts, just as those who try to leave a physically abusive relationship. There is often a mourning period that occurs in the initial stages of sobriety. The person misses the drug, misses the high. They romanticize its once pleasurable effects as women often romanticize the positive attributes of their abusers. Many will return to their abuse of choice, rationalizing, “This time it will be different. This time I can stay in control.” Inevitably, they cycle through the pattern of abuse again, only to make more bargains with themselves to maintain the relationship.

The pull of the abusive partner or drug is so strong people degrade themselves and sometimes expose their children to it, even when on a rational level they know better. This is how insidious the dependence is. To end an abusive relationship, people must remove themselves from harm’s way. You cannot have an ongoing friendship, relationship or any kind of “ship” with an abusive partner, be it a man, a woman, or crack cocaine.
Some men and women may need to obtain restraining orders against their abusive partners, seek safety in a shelter, and/or relocate to a different geographic region. The best the field of recovery has to offer at present is inpatient rehab, Twelve Steps, Rational Recovery, drug replacement therapy, and outpatient treatment. Unfortunately, the law does not allow you to serve a drug dealer with a protective order, although, now that I think about it, it’s not a bad idea.