Let's face it: the economy is bad, and despite what some say, it's very possible things could only get worse. Rising world oil prices are causing gas prices to go so high it's literally causing fist fights at the pump. While the housing market in America appears to be improving slightly, real estate in the UK is nearing its lowest since 1978. Lehman Brothers recently posted a $2.8 billion loss. To top it off, an impending rate hike by the Fed could very easily tank the market.

Times like these call on normal people like us to adapt and innovate in order to stay afloat. Here are 9 ways to get by in this economy that your family's money manager probably won't tell you.

1) Steal.

This one is so obvious I shouldn't even have to put it here. The whole concept of "ownership" is built on a fragile lie. No one really "owns" anything. Just ask the Native Americans. Once we die, we can't take any of this stuff with us (unless you were an Egyptian pharoah, in which case, f**k you). See something nice on your co-workers' desk? SWOOOOP. If you start to feel bad, just remember that back in the days of the Wild West, stealing was honorable. Jesse James robbed banks and he was looked up to as a hero and a cultural icon. Not to mention Robin Hood, but in all honesty he was kind of a pussy.

2) Expensive cigarette habit? Cook your own meth instead.

Did you know that an executive at a big tobacco company that I made up stated that 95% of anti-meth advertising is paid for by cigarette companies? This is just like the grocery store lobbyists who don't want you to grow your own vegetables. America was built on entrepreneurism and science, and creating your own meth lab from scratch encompasses both. When you think of the American Dream you should think of a dirty basement with ZipLoc bags full of crushed-up sudafed. There's plenty of literature you can find on the internet to guide you, so stop being lazy and using ignorance as an excuse. Besides, cigarettes are rumoured to be bad for you. Better safe than sorry.

3) Blackmail.

As Kevin Spacey pointed out in Se7en, no one is innocent. If you dig deep enough, everyone has a secret. To many, this is a sad fact of life. To you, this is an opportunity. As oil prices have been rising, so has the proliferation of websites that are able to find out your pastor's criminal record in .0003 seconds. Digging into the depths of peoples' lives has never been easier. Remember, the more reputable a member of your community is, the better. Not only because they'll usually pay the most money since they have the most to lose, but they tend to have the darkest pasts. Are you telling me that Ned Flanders doesn't have a couple bodies in his backyard?

4) Cut back on driving; steal your friends' cars.

Wtf? Are you still driving? Don't you realize you're killing the environment one gallon at a time, not to mention contributing to the USA's addiction to Saudi oil which in turn probably promotes terrorism somehow? Regardless, in today's world driving is simply not economical in addition to the harmful effects of carbon emissions. This is why you should take your friends' keys. That way, your friend is the one who is funding Armageddon by buying gas, not you. Besides, you probably drive an SUV anyways... ditch the Escalade and downsize to your buddy's Honda for a few days. Yeah, he might get pissed you took his car and won't give it back (and you won't pick up as much ass), but you can sleep at night knowing you did something good for the environment, which in this day and age is almost up there with doing something good for the handicapped.

5) As a matter of fact, give up your friends.

All things considered, this is probably a cheaper alternative to #4. Hanging out with people in real life is so f***ing 90s. Thanks to advances in technology such as MMORPGs, it's no longer necessary to maintain real life friendships. Think about it... are your friends really that great? Will not going to the same seedy bar every Thursday night and talking with your "buddies" about how your college glory days totally kicked ass but now you're all married corporate wimps really negatively impact your life? No. Ben Affleck's character in Boiler Room said it best: Your friends are shit. Save all the money you would have spent buying 30 packs or bailing your buddy out of jail for his 3rd hit and run and put it in an index fund.

6) Take an Enron accounting lesson.

Do you happen to work as an accountant in a medium to large company? Well, right now you're getting screwed by the oil companies, and as the saying goes: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Fight fire with fire. It's the American way. In fact, after you're done you may need to literally light an actual fire to get rid of your paper trail, Office Space style. In the end, you saved the company money. Show me a person who says saving money is bad and I'll show you a communist.

7) Buy your kids less shit.

You're probably already doing this one. But seriously, does Little Billy really need a Playstation 3 with the 120gig hard drive and a virtual 12 piece band in his room so he can pretend to be Mick Jagger back when the singer actually had talent? Don't think so.

8) Extortion.

We all know the Wal-Marts and Starbucks of the world are running Mom & Pop stores out of business left and right. Whatever happened to the good ol' days, when Mom & Pops were on every corner and each one was being safely "protected" by an honest, old-fashioned neighborhood crime outfit? I blame the decline of the mafia for the rise of Wal-Mart. Do your community a favor by stepping in to protect these struggling businesses the same way Capone's guys used to by providing security in exchange for a few hundred bucks a week. If you think this is immoral, hey, don't do it. But wouldn't it be a shame if some hooligans threw a brick through your window and set off a molotov cocktail on your roof? I'm just sayin'.

9) Don't pay taxes.

With all that's going on in the world, the US government has a lot more to worry about than if your $200 lunch at Morton's was a business meeting or a thinly veiled attempt to bang your secretary. The world doesn't revolve around you, alright? Drop the narcicism and blend into the faceless crowd of citizens who aren't, should we say, completely truthful with the IRS. As long as you're not a C-list celebrity you should be fine.