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8 Myths About Relationships
Across the country, marriages are in trouble. The divorce rate remains high and more and more people are joining the ranks of the walking wounded, desperately looking for some way to hold their families together. In their groundbreaking book, Love in the Present Tense: How to Have a High Intimacy, Low Maintenance Marriage, relationship experts Morrie and Arleah Shechtman challenge the conventional wisdom that has held our collective consciousness hostage since the inception of the pop therapy phenomenon.
The Shechtmans debunk eight myths surrounding marriage and offer contrasting realities:
1. Myth: Opposites attract. A couple, in their differences, complements each other.
Reality: Great relationships require identical core values.
2. Myth: Love will carry you through the hard times in a relationship.
Reality: It is shared values that pull you through a crisis.
3. Myth: You need to work on your marriage if you want it to be good.
Reality: Relationships don’t have problems; people do.
4. Myth: Selflessness and giving to others builds the best relationships.
Reality: Clear limits and boundaries build mutual respect and lasting relationships.
5. Myth: Unconditional acceptance of your partner is the foundation of a good marriage.
Reality: If you don’t make demands on your partner, then you don’t really care.
6. Myth: Frequent conflicts are a sign that a marriage is in trouble.
Reality: Your willingness to engage in conflict determines the depth and quality of your relationship.
7. Myth: Spending lots of time together is very important.
Reality: The best relationships are low maintenance/high intimacy.
8. Myth: Trusting your partner is essential to a good relationship.
Reality: It is trusting yourself that is essential.
Knowing what is fact and what is fiction may just give you the perspective you need to get your relationship back on track!
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Morrie/Arleah - maybe we can see some videos of you guys talking about marriage. What a refreshing take. I am forwarding your post to my girlfriend.
Thanks for a great post - as a married person, I agree with these items wholeheartedly.
Your mention about the divorce rate prompted me to add a quick comment - maybe related to your list, maybe not.
In my humble opinion, people get married WAY too young. What's the rush? I don't think most people know what their core values are (or how important they can be) when they're 20 years old - I certainly didn't. Also, we change as we get through our 20's - often, what we thought we wanted at 22 is not at all what we want at 30. By the time we've been independent for several years, we are also more realistic - idealism and romance are great, but most of marriage is dealing with the not-so-romantic day to day details of a life - especially if kids are involved.
I think the young age at which people get married contributes greatly to the divorce rate. Just my 2 cents worth.
Julie
Julie Jaquiss Collins
Julie Jaquiss Collins, MBA, is a 17-year veteran of working to untangle the business side of our mixed up health care system. No wonder she went looking for her spiritual side!
I agree that people who get married WAY too young contribute to the divorce rate. I was one of these, who sadly contributed to the divorce stats. I didn't know myself or my core values in my 20s.
Happily, I know myself now, I'm clear about my values, and I have strong boundaries. I look forward to putting these to good use instead of contributing further to the divorce rate.
Debunking these 8 myths are a great foundation to build upon in a relationship.
Thanks for sharing your 2 cents worth, Julie!
Cheers,
Sylvia.
As a 28 year old, freshly separated from my husband - whom I've been with for 9 years and been married to for half that time - it feels like Age is bearing the brunt for something that is symptomatic of a deeper issue.
I think the 8 Myths go a long way towards identifying some of the underlying causes for the divorce rate, and want to add a few additional thoughts:
Our core values are a part of us, expressed subconsciously even if we haven't cognitively recognised or accepted them (sometimes through reactions to them being in conflict). Once we start choosing to express them consciously, that can impact our relationships with ourselves, not just with others.
Quality communication - including boundaries & respect - are essential to maintaining intimacy and connection within the relationship. These elements can break down at any point; and as the Myths share, relationships don't have problems - the people do.
How willing you are to work on yourself will affect how capable you are of growing with/through/into the relationship over time.
I agree that what I wanted at 27 (let alone 22) is different to what I want today; however I'd also say that in being true to myself, what I want at 30 will be different to what I want at 40.
Life is about continual growth, and if you lose touch with trusting yourself and acting on what is best for you - at ANY age - then your relationship will be challenged.
I have had everyone from my grandparents, parents and other family & friends - many of whom have been through divorce themselves - shift from a state of incredulity to awe at how maturely and lovingly my husband and I have progressed through this transition. That is something most people in the same situation double my age cannot say.
With love & curiosity,
Sam Forsberg
Writer & Lifecoach