7 Fantasy iPhone Apps (That Will Never Exist)

The recent release of iPhone 2.0 software allows developers everywhere to create 3rd party applications for iPhone, resulting in a slew of useful and not-so-useful apps. Here are 7 fantasy apps that you won't find in the iTunes app store -- most of them for good reason.

Lie Detector

What it does: Load the app before you make a phone call and watch it display a meter letting you know whether the person on the other end is telling the truth or not. Bonus use: turn it on in your pocket during a real world conversation and it will detect lies being told straight to your face.

Why it would kick ass: Being able to tell when people are lying is by definition one of the coolest skills anyone could possibly have. CIA agents are required to take proficiency tests in the art of lie detecting, and CIA agents are bad ass. This app would have so many potential uses its ridiculous.

Girlfriend: Oh my god.
Guy: What?
Girlfriend: I'm pregnant!
Guy: Hold on... *taps a few buttons on iPhone* ... can you repeat that?
Girflriend: Are you listening to me? I'm PREGNANT!!
Guy: Not according to iPhone you're not!
Girlfriend: <pause> Wow... your phone totally saw through my thinly veiled attempt at lying to make you stay in our downward-spiraling relationship.
Guy: Yeah, it's actually this new app I got. Check this other one out it's called MonkeyBall.

YouPorn

What it does: If you really don't know, click your browser's address bar and add a .com to this app's title. Warning: NSFW. Also NSFN, in case you're a nun and not currently at work.

Why it would kick ass: Yeah, we've all seen the YouTube app. And we're over it. Oh, YouTube on the iPhone! Sweet! Now I can watch a squirrel getting kicked in the nuts no matter where I am! It's time for something new. Something exciting, risque. YouTube's idea of risque is the Wii Fit hulla hoop chick. The Wii Fit video compared to any video on YouPorn would be like comparing the violence in a Wiley Coyote & Roadrunner cartoon to the first 6 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. It just can't stack up. It's a fact* that pornography accounts for 98% of all internet traffic, with the other 2% being Wikipedia. Developers: time to give the people what they want.

* - May not be a fact.

Dealer Locator

What it does: Uses iPhone 3G's built in satellite assisted global positioning system to display the precise location of drug dealers within a 15 mile radius.

Why it would kick ass: Just move to a new area and don't know very many "people" yet? No problem, this app has got you covered.

Before you get upset about this app promoting drug use, remember that the real app pictured above enables addicts everywhere to get another fix of caffeine -- the world's most heavily used psychoactive drug. In fact, I read a scientific study once that proved coffee is more dangerous than black tar heroin. True story!

X-Ray Camera

What it does: Lets the iPhone's camera see through clothes. Just like the TSA!

Why it would kick ass: ...are you serious?

Remote Car

What it does: Allows you to remotely control an automobile via... Bluetooth? Sure why not.

Why it would kick ass: This app actually already exists, as clearly evidenced in James Bond "Tomorrow Never Dies." Watch Bond put the app in action for one example of its many uses -- outside of utilizing it to escape from armed henchmen trying to kill you, you could also use it to pick up your kid from kindergarten, for instance. Or you could route the phone through the car's sound system to pick up girls:

[Empty car drives slowly next to girl walking on sidewalk]

Car: Hey, what's up?
Girl: *looks around, walks faster*
Car: HEY!
Girl: *glances at car* uh.. hello?
Car: How's it going?
Girl: What the f***?
Car: Wanna get in?
Girl: Are you serious?
Car: This is kind of creepy, isn't it.
Girl: Just a little.
Car: ...I have Dave Matthews tickets.
Girl: *gets in*

Breathalyzer

What it does: Breathe into the iPhone and it displays your BAC.

Why it would kick ass: Potentially stops you and your buddies from getting a DUI, which should be avoided at all costs. Also can be used for drinking competitions, which should be won at all costs.

Ransom Caller

What it does: Takes care of the hardest part of kidnapping -- the ransom call. Chooses from 38 different effects to disguise your voice and uses iPhone 3G's built in graphing calculator to come up with a target figure.

Why it would kick ass: Why are you even reading this part? Creep.