Wow! There are a constellation of issues that you're dealing with, any one of which would be too much stress for one person. Hang in there! Simple question: do you want to stay in the relationship?

No chance at reconciliation? That's sad, but it happens. Have you talked with a counselor? That would really help for you to sort out what you're feeling and what you want to do next. Then the big issue is finding a safe place for you and your children. Do you have relatives who could take you and your children in while you make the transition?

No, no counselors. He would know if I was going to therapy and that would just make things worse. I know my transition will have to be on my own, so I realize I have a lot to deal with when it comes to financial preparation and finding another place. I actually have a pretty solid idea of what I need to do...the separation is emotional. I have to figure out how to emotionally pull away so that the physical can follow. I am mentally detached, but he's trying so hard to hold on. It's strange....he brings out the worst thoughts, feelings, etc in me, yet I just can't seem to fathom hurting him. Nuts I know~

It's always that way in damaged relationships - love and hate are forever intertwined. Yin/Yang. You've had children together, so the connections will always be there. For the sake of the children (I'm assuming he has a connection with them), he must come to understand that having a friendly relationship with you will benefit them - and him. I'm sure you know that your perception of him is not who he is, nor are you his perception of you. It's never black and white. You're both obviously hurting. Even as you part, try to see the good in him. It will benefit the children.

Thanks. That is probably the best advice I've been given by far. :)

You're very welcome. It sounds like you've got a great head on your shoulders, and are certain of what you want to do. I hope this goes well for you and that there aren't any complications. It's just going to take time. You didn't mention any physical abuse, so that's good. A tip (if you aren't already doing this): if you do the shopping, make sure there's enough food for everyone but look for bargains and use the difference to set aside cash somewhere safe from each shopping trip for your "leaving" fund. I wish the best for you and your kids and, yes, even for your husband.

I guess that after so many years it's very hard to imagine your life without him, even if everything is not great. From what I've read, it's not healthy for you to stay in this relationship, because you are sacrificing yourself in a lot of ways. Aspian is right, you'll always have to have a friendly relationship with him, for the sake of your kids. But that doesn't mean you need to stay together.
My parents divorced when I was very little, but I can honestly say it was the best decision they ever made, because neither of them was happy in the marriage and they get along better now than when they were together. I hope you have made some progress since you posted this a couple of months ago!

It's hard after so many years to picture anything different. And you'd always share a relationship to some degree, especially sharing children. But this is simply not a healthy relationship, and that can be even worse for your children in the long run! Do what you need to do, but think smart. Mental abuse is every bit as bad as physical abuse.

I agree with KnitsofLove. Mental abuse is just as bad as emotional or physical abuse. It's unfair to your kids, that you're putting up with a marriage that's very unhealthy. Maybe you two should consider marriage counseling. If you feel that it's not going to make things better, maybe you should act and leave. My parents divorced, when I was younger. At first, I didn't understand it. Now, I get it. It took me getting married to realize that not all marriages work out. I'm currently 22 years of age, and I'm in my second marriage. I'm not proud of it, but I refused to stay in an unhealthy relationship. Be smart about it, please. Think about your kids, think about yourself.

Wrong to want it no, wrong to leave it yes. Marriage is a commitment and no you are not going to be madly in love 24/7. Remember you made a vow not only to him but to God and well now that you have children to them as well.

Try going to see the movie Fireproof and getting the book the Love dare, give it an Honest try and then revisit this.

Sounds like you don't love him and so he probably responds to you accordingly. If you are complaining about him to your friends on the phone and in emails, do you really expect a loving response from him? He could probably say the same negative things about you that you do about him. Has it occurred to you that he probably feels "abused" by you as you are obviously negative about him and don't want him in a sexual sense. Consider the age-old problem ... men feel connected to their partners via sex and then have an emotional response ... women need to feel emotionally connected to want sex. Sounds to me like you might be doing him a favour to leave so that he can also meet someone who loves and cherishes him. When people don't feel wanted, it can bring out the worst in them. Perhaps you should consider being the right partner rather than having the right partner. He may respond to you in a totally different way if you behave lovingly towards him. I speak from experience ... I used to complain about my husband until I woke up and really questioned just how perfect I am. Apart from that, what sort of example are you showing your children? Don't think they're too young to realise ... kids watch everything we do and whether we are prepared to admit it, quite often our behaviour is much more toxic than we realise. If you don't love this man, do the right thing. Tell him. Sounds like it's all about what you want and need ... have you really considered what he wants and needs? Marriage is a two-way street, it's not all about you.

I agree with anonymous. If my wife was complaining about me to her friends, wasn't interested in me sexually, wrote in forums how much she wanted to leave, etc, I'd be wanting to finish the marriage and find someone I could truly love and make happy. You don't want to go to counselling. You don't want to salvage your marriage. Yeah, do both of you a favour ... leave.