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Sometimes marriage is just not worth the effort
I have been in a relationship for going on 10 years. We are married and have 3 children together. My problem is that I met him so young. We moved in together when I was just 18; he is 11 years older than I. I noticed things that I didn't like in the beginning, but I was dead set on making it work. I feel like I have grown into a strong, independent woman. I enjoy different things than he and I am more outgoing and social. He is bothered by things that I do. For example, I have an email that I consider to be private. Therefore, if I email a girlfriend about an issue regarding my relationship that I wish to discuss with her, I do not feel like I should have to explain myself to him because he read my sent messages. He doesn't like me to go out without my kids or him. If I do then I'm escaping the house work, or the kids. He tells the children I don't love them. If I go to school for a meeting, I am "escaping my children and my household responsibilities". If I want to go out with a girlfriend and go dancing...I am out scouting for men. If I go to a coffee shop I am meeting someone there. If I have a PHONE CONVERSATION that he doesn't know about, I am being sneaky and talking bad about him. (granted I may be, but so what! Can't I have a conversation without him knowing the details or talking in front of him) I am constantly told that I am acting like a child. If I roll my eyes because he's being obnoxious, I'm a child. If I use anything he does as an example in an argument I am being a child. He'll tell me I'm a lazy piece of sh** or a loser. I'm tired of trying to justify or defend my actions. I feel like it doesn't matter if I do absolutely nothing all day...does that warrant being called a piece of sh**? One of his biggest complaints is that I don't come onto him anymore....the problem is that I'm just not attracted to him. I've gained a lot of weight that I am having a hard time losing. I just don't feel sexy, I often don't have a sex drive. That was why I didn't come on to him before....now it's because I just can't imagine being turned on by someone who speaks to me in the manner he sees fit. My question is....am I wrong to want to leave this relationship? I am honestly scared to do so....he doesn't physically hurt me, but mentally I'm not sure I could take something more intense than what he dishes. Any suggestions as to how I can even talk about this?
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Wow! There are a constellation of issues that you're dealing with, any one of which would be too much stress for one person. Hang in there! Simple question: do you want to stay in the relationship?
No. It is however; very difficult to separate myself from something that has become so ingrained into my life. I know I need to get out, I'm just not sure how.
No chance at reconciliation? That's sad, but it happens. Have you talked with a counselor? That would really help for you to sort out what you're feeling and what you want to do next. Then the big issue is finding a safe place for you and your children. Do you have relatives who could take you and your children in while you make the transition?
No, no counselors. He would know if I was going to therapy and that would just make things worse. I know my transition will have to be on my own, so I realize I have a lot to deal with when it comes to financial preparation and finding another place. I actually have a pretty solid idea of what I need to do...the separation is emotional. I have to figure out how to emotionally pull away so that the physical can follow. I am mentally detached, but he's trying so hard to hold on. It's strange....he brings out the worst thoughts, feelings, etc in me, yet I just can't seem to fathom hurting him. Nuts I know~
It's always that way in damaged relationships - love and hate are forever intertwined. Yin/Yang. You've had children together, so the connections will always be there. For the sake of the children (I'm assuming he has a connection with them), he must come to understand that having a friendly relationship with you will benefit them - and him. I'm sure you know that your perception of him is not who he is, nor are you his perception of you. It's never black and white. You're both obviously hurting. Even as you part, try to see the good in him. It will benefit the children.
Thanks. That is probably the best advice I've been given by far. :)
You're very welcome. It sounds like you've got a great head on your shoulders, and are certain of what you want to do. I hope this goes well for you and that there aren't any complications. It's just going to take time. You didn't mention any physical abuse, so that's good. A tip (if you aren't already doing this): if you do the shopping, make sure there's enough food for everyone but look for bargains and use the difference to set aside cash somewhere safe from each shopping trip for your "leaving" fund. I wish the best for you and your kids and, yes, even for your husband.
I guess that after so many years it's very hard to imagine your life without him, even if everything is not great. From what I've read, it's not healthy for you to stay in this relationship, because you are sacrificing yourself in a lot of ways. Aspian is right, you'll always have to have a friendly relationship with him, for the sake of your kids. But that doesn't mean you need to stay together.
My parents divorced when I was very little, but I can honestly say it was the best decision they ever made, because neither of them was happy in the marriage and they get along better now than when they were together. I hope you have made some progress since you posted this a couple of months ago!
It's hard after so many years to picture anything different. And you'd always share a relationship to some degree, especially sharing children. But this is simply not a healthy relationship, and that can be even worse for your children in the long run! Do what you need to do, but think smart. Mental abuse is every bit as bad as physical abuse.
I agree with KnitsofLove. Mental abuse is just as bad as emotional or physical abuse. It's unfair to your kids, that you're putting up with a marriage that's very unhealthy. Maybe you two should consider marriage counseling. If you feel that it's not going to make things better, maybe you should act and leave. My parents divorced, when I was younger. At first, I didn't understand it. Now, I get it. It took me getting married to realize that not all marriages work out. I'm currently 22 years of age, and I'm in my second marriage. I'm not proud of it, but I refused to stay in an unhealthy relationship. Be smart about it, please. Think about your kids, think about yourself.
Wrong to want it no, wrong to leave it yes. Marriage is a commitment and no you are not going to be madly in love 24/7. Remember you made a vow not only to him but to God and well now that you have children to them as well.
Try going to see the movie Fireproof and getting the book the Love dare, give it an Honest try and then revisit this.
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