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Are You Ready for Marriage?
Everybody's doing it. Or so it seems. When you're ready to make a lifelong commitment to your partner, it suddenly seems like everyone around you is getting married—Carrie and Mr. Big, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, the girl from high school voted "least likely to get married" and a boy she met in college. Next thing you know, June comes around, wedding shows appear on every television channel, and even your single friends are trying to figure out their ideal wedding date (7-7-07 is gone forever, oh my!).
So how do you know if marriage is the right decision--right now--for you?
You must know that there is no such thing as a "marriage timeline". A couple who have been together for four years are not necessarily more ready for marriage than a couple who have only been dating for seven months. Perhaps your partner feels completely committed to you and feels no reason to sign a contract reinforcing your relationship, but you want that contract—and the picture-perfect wedding to go with it. You have the marriage bug. So what are you going to do about it?
You must have an open and honest discussion with your partner about marriage.
The Catholic Church forces this discussion through their Marriage Encounter program. If you're not Catholic, you can go through a similarly painful and enlightening process by having a frank discussion with your partner about the nitty gritty to make sure you two really are on the same page.
Creating a happy marriage is entirely dependent on your ability to communicate, and ultimately, your knowledge of yourselves and what you want as individuals. To make your partner aware of what you want and need, you have to share.
To start, try having a conversation in which you both answer the following questions:
1. Do you have any debts?
If your partner has a student loan, there's no reason to panic (as long as he/she's paying it off diligently). However, poor credit can spell disaster for a relationship, as it will impede you from buying a house, car, or even renting an apartment. You don't want to end up like that guy on the free credit report commercial, living in your fiancé's parent's basement for the rest of your life because you didn't know your partner was nose high in credit card debt.
2. Do you want kids? How soon?
You say: 5, before you're 30.
She says: I'm waiting until I'm over forty like Nicole Kidman.
Now what?
3. Where would you like to live?
Does your potential future spouse have a job that will move you around? Are you OK with that? Do you have a job that will allow you to move as well? Do you have secret fantasies of living by the beach? Must you live within a certain radius of your mother to keep Meatloaf Mondays alive?
4. What activities will our disposable income go to?
Do you like to spend your money on eating out? On video games? Shopping? How much money do you want to save a month? When your married, your money becomes "our" money. If the two of you have completely different spending habits, this is something you should examine very carefully. It may be cute when you're dating, but if your husband is buying every new Wii gadget invented while you're eating Ramen noodles and acting as sole contributor to the joint savings account, you won't be happy for long.
5. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
If your girlfriend, currently a lawyer, answers, "Working at an orphanage in India," and you answer, "Living off of my loaded girlfriend," you've got problems already.
If these questions didn't get you two all riled up yet, try reading Susan Piver's book, The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do", one of Oprah's picks. If you still love each other after discussing every question, you may start picking out your wedding colors. (And if you can't agree on those, maybe you should hold off on marriage for a little longer!)
Finally, after you've delved deep into each other's psyches, determined that you truly are destined for each other and that you want to declare your love to the world, make sure you understand what marriage means, both romantically and practically.
Romantically and spiritually, marriage is a lifelong commitment to a single partner, a pledge to grow old together, and to love one another eternally. That's the stuff many women like to focus on.
Legally, marriage means contemplating filing joint or single tax returns, employer healthcare options for your spouse, possibly assuming your spouse's debts, and realizing that those annoying conversations you just had to determine if you wanted to marry each other in the first place will continue to be a part of your daily lives together.
So before you buy a subscription to Brides magazine, or start researching your city's best DJs, have a heart to heart with your partner. That way, you'll know whether he/she is thinking about marriage too, and whether he/she seems compatible for you as a life-long mate. And if he/she doesn't turn out to be either of those things, you'll save $12 and a lot of time.
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Getting married is a huge decision, and it's something that you need to be ready for financially, mentally, and emotionally. It's all about compromising and making things work out. A lot of people jump into marriage, looking for a happily ever after. It doesn't exist, so don't even bother with it. Marriage requires work and understanding, and you have to take time to learn eachother. It doesn't matter how long you've been together, there's always something more to learn about your significant other. It's not something to rush into. This article is very true and helpful.
I am somewhat of a newlywed (1.5 years) and I agree with all these questions. It's important to talk through these things before you get married. Of course, I think most premarital counseling will go through most of these so I would just suggest that you should go through premarital counseling. Good article for those who are thinking about marriage.
I just got married 2 months ago and this blog had many good points and things to consider!
Great article, awesome points. I actually discussed many of these points with my (now ex) fiance. I'm glad we did, our marriage would have been a disaster, instead we parted amicably.
Marriage Encounter is not the program for people getting married - it is an enrichment program for married couples. It is frequently sponsored by Catholic churches but it is an independent program.
When I did Catholic marriage preparation it was called pre-Cana.
I have an uncle that works in the financial department of a car dealership. He says that any large gulf in credit scores between partners almost inevitably leads to divorce. There is more to marriage than simply love, if someone cannot understand that, they should not get married.
Being financially responsible IS a big deal in a relationship. Money issues are the biggest cause of arguments in a marriage and a lot of the time it has to do with one or both partners in the marriage not being financially responsible. So it should most definitely make the "are you ready for marriage" list. Unromantic, true, but practical. If you give yourselves less things to worry about, ie money troubles, then you can have a lot more time for the emotional and romantic parts. And being late on your credit card bills just twice isn't going to significantly screw up your credit rating. it's basically where you spend spend spend money you don't have and then get to where you can barely afford to make your minimum payments. It really does not take much at all to have a good credit score, unless you are a victim of identity theft and someone else is screwing up your credit. If you can learn to live within your means (like a responsible adult) and not pile up a lot of debt, then it shows you're probably responsible enough to be in a serious commitment like marriage. And it is even better if the person you want to marry can show himself or herself to be the same.
i find it offensive that credit score is considered a valid determinant for marriage. "gosh, i'm madly in love with you, but you were late on your credit card bills twice last year! it's OVER!"
i understand that it's important to have no secrets, but a person's financial troubles (or lack thereof) prior to meeting you shouldn't be any kind of deciding factor, let alone make it to the top of the list of "are you ready for marriage?" criteria.
I made a mistake...I didn't mean 'given' the fact that money is the root of relationship problems and breakups, I meant 'despite' the fact that it is, doesn't it sound selfish and shallow to break up because of money?
My friend and I are in the same situation...both of us have been dating great guys for a couple years, but both of them have money issues. Not knowing how to spend it or save it, basically an overall irresponsibility towards money and grown up life decisions. Other than that, our relationships would work out beautifully. Given the fact that money is the root of a large percentage of breakups and divorces, doesn't it sound selfish and shallow to break up over money? The concept is understandable and justifiable, but when you say the words out loud, they don't seem to measure up to a good reason.
you dont sound ready?
my friend said just recently whilst dicussing the future, that before you marry, you need to 'get it all out of your system now otherwise youll have a mid-life crisis later on.'
and i think that is the most consise and truest opinion ive heard- your supposed to mess it up now, make your mistakes, get hurt and break hearts, follow your own path. then reach a stage where when you meet the right person, you can dedicate your life to them. something i heard on a tv show once 'i gave you my heart to take it to the grave', made me think, when you plan to marry someone, its more than just the money/big day, it really is the first day of the rest of your lives, and if your not ready to begin it, if you have other plans or doubts, then you shouldnt start it.
After being in a relationship for six years, we are finally getting married, next month. I'm not sure I'm ready, but we've been engaged five years, lived together for four and a half years, and I can definitely tolerate this. That sounds bad; of course I love him, very much, but I could forsee the day when our careers may take us in different directions, and in that event, I am not good at being faithful and I suspect he would not be either. My parents are divorced and both remarried. His parents are not divorced. One of the things I wish my parents had taught me is that relationships are not always easy, that sometimes they are work. But of course they didn't know that while I was growing up. Oh well, life is an adventure. If it doesn't work out, nobody dies, we just wasted $15,000.
There is no such thing as "incompatibility". Marriage is not a trip to a computer store and buy a gadget for your laptop. It requires work and commitment. If a marriage is breaking down, it's because either one or both are not working as hard as they could to keep it together.
Good points
There is no such thing as "common sense" anymore. That ship sank decades ago, if it ever truly existed. The overwhelming majority of people may be able to think of some of these things if pressed, but I doubt that very many would consider all of them without hints. For evidence to that effect, look at the divorce rate.
Divorces are caused by only two things when it comes down to it - so called "incompatibility" and selfishness.
If the couple is incompatible, they obviously did not consider everything that marriage entails before they were married.
If one or both of the spouses cheat, abuse the other, engage in irresponsible spending habits or refuse to compromise on any major issue, they are acting with only their own self interest in mind.
Um, all of the questions that you think are significant to ask yourself are probably not on that list because it's COMMON SENSE.
I'm sure anyone who feels like they need to read this article will NOT be single, in a relationship for only 1-3 months, abused, mentally incapable of knowing for themselves that if they KNOW the other person or not.
This is for COUPLES thinking they want to get MARRIED; Not move in together!!
Um, all of the questions that you think are significant to ask yourself are probably not on that list because it's COMMON SENSE.
I'm sure anyone who feels like they need to read this article will NOT be single, in a relationship for only 1-3 months, abused, mentally incapable of knowing for themselves that if they KNOW the other person or not.
This is for COUPLES thinking they want to get MARRIED; Not move in together!!
My first question is.. do you even have a man/woman in your life?
Have you had relationship problems most of your life?? Because if you have maybe you should work on you first & fixing the past before considering something so serious.
2nd big topic for me..are you both truely compatible?
Can you live with your significants worst habits, & did you know that when married those bad habits are 10xworse?
Is this person likely to cheat on you, or abuse you in anyway?
Have you had time to really get to know this person?
Is it just infatuation & puppy love or do you know that you would be will to be with them forever & work anything out?
Most people that end up together share the same similiar beliefs, values, interests, backgrounds, & rate in appearance according to studies. These things should have been talked about during self disclosure of getting to know them. You should be aware of how different or alike in these things you are. And if this person is stubborn or bossy, not willing to change or agree ever you might be in for some problems.
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