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7 Fantasy iPhone Apps (That Will Never Exist)
The recent release of iPhone 2.0 software allows developers everywhere to create 3rd party applications for iPhone, resulting in a slew of useful and not-so-useful apps. Here are 7 fantasy apps that you won't find in the iTunes app store -- most of them for good reason.
Lie Detector
What it does: Load the app before you make a phone call and watch it display a meter letting you know whether the person on the other end is telling the truth or not. Bonus use: turn it on in your pocket during a real world conversation and it will detect lies being told straight to your face.
Why it would kick ass: Being able to tell when people are lying is by definition one of the coolest skills anyone could possibly have. CIA agents are required to take proficiency tests in the art of lie detecting, and CIA agents are bad ass. This app would have so many potential uses its ridiculous.
Girlfriend: Oh my god.
Guy: What?
Girlfriend: I'm pregnant!
Guy: Hold on... *taps a few buttons on iPhone* ... can you repeat that?
Girflriend: Are you listening to me? I'm PREGNANT!!
Guy: Not according to iPhone you're not!
Girlfriend: <pause> Wow... your phone totally saw through my thinly veiled attempt at lying to make you stay in our downward-spiraling relationship.
Guy: Yeah, it's actually this new app I got. Check this other one out it's called MonkeyBall.
YouPorn
What it does: If you really don't know, click your browser's address bar and add a .com to this app's title. Warning: NSFW. Also NSFN, in case you're a nun and not currently at work.
Why it would kick ass: Yeah, we've all seen the YouTube app. And we're over it. Oh, YouTube on the iPhone! Sweet! Now I can watch a squirrel getting kicked in the nuts no matter where I am! It's time for something new. Something exciting, risque. YouTube's idea of risque is the Wii Fit hulla hoop chick. The Wii Fit video compared to any video on YouPorn would be like comparing the violence in a Wiley Coyote & Roadrunner cartoon to the first 6 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. It just can't stack up. It's a fact* that pornography accounts for 98% of all internet traffic, with the other 2% being Wikipedia. Developers: time to give the people what they want.
* - May not be a fact.
Dealer Locator
What it does: Uses iPhone 3G's built in satellite assisted global positioning system to display the precise location of drug dealers within a 15 mile radius.
Why it would kick ass: Just move to a new area and don't know very many "people" yet? No problem, this app has got you covered.
Before you get upset about this app promoting drug use, remember that the real app pictured above enables addicts everywhere to get another fix of caffeine -- the world's most heavily used psychoactive drug. In fact, I read a scientific study once that proved coffee is more dangerous than black tar heroin. True story!
X-Ray Camera
What it does: Lets the iPhone's camera see through clothes. Just like the TSA!
Why it would kick ass: ...are you serious?
Remote Car
What it does: Allows you to remotely control an automobile via... Bluetooth? Sure why not.
Why it would kick ass: This app actually already exists, as clearly evidenced in James Bond "Tomorrow Never Dies." Watch Bond put the app in action for one example of its many uses -- outside of utilizing it to escape from armed henchmen trying to kill you, you could also use it to pick up your kid from kindergarten, for instance. Or you could route the phone through the car's sound system to pick up girls:
[Empty car drives slowly next to girl walking on sidewalk]
Car: Hey, what's up?
Girl: *looks around, walks faster*
Car: HEY!
Girl: *glances at car* uh.. hello?
Car: How's it going?
Girl: What the f***?
Car: Wanna get in?
Girl: Are you serious?
Car: This is kind of creepy, isn't it.
Girl: Just a little.
Car: ...I have Dave Matthews tickets.
Girl: *gets in*
Breathalyzer
What it does: Breathe into the iPhone and it displays your BAC.
Why it would kick ass: Potentially stops you and your buddies from getting a DUI, which should be avoided at all costs. Also can be used for drinking competitions, which should be won at all costs.
Ransom Caller
What it does: Takes care of the hardest part of kidnapping -- the ransom call. Chooses from 38 different effects to disguise your voice and uses iPhone 3G's built in graphing calculator to come up with a target figure.
Why it would kick ass: Why are you even reading this part? Creep.
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I would totally write a youporn iphone app. I'd be a dev hero!!
the ransom one would come in handy when you go totally broke from paying for the data plan
Lie detectors for phones and mobile phones already exist, so -1 on that. A youporn app is probably easily made, and it'll become available as soon as the iphone supports flash. And all the other ones are doable as well, if you're able to write stuff for the iphone.
Minus the x-ray one, but I wouldn't know what use that would be, really.
you could probably do the x-ray on if you wrote something to determine whats human then put a skeleton there to be the same size obviously it wouldn't be a real x-ray but it would look cool
Who gives a sh*t what you think ?
wow i LOL'd didnt think iphone info could do that...
btw it would kick so much ass to have those apps
unlimited data plan + YouPorn = got to go now, talk later
lie detector + ransom caller = is he/she gonna tell the police?
this is by far one of the most creative things i have seen on the internet...
besides the video of the squirrel getting kicked in the nuts.
Lol love the icons on that dealer locator app.... now it were possible I would need a designer shoe dealer!!
apple wouldnt make that happen sadly but that would be freakin cool!
No one seems to have mentioned this... but YouPorn already works on the iPhone. Not as an app, but through the browser.
x-ray camera would be pretty rad.
lol
hoyes, number 3 would make things so much easier.
Actually, most of this has been done so far!!!
Just looak at TouchScan (lie detector), NearMe (yeah, drugdealers are scheduled for v2.1) and believe it or not: at work (http://www.dlr.de/fs/en/desktopdefault.aspx/tabid-1236/1690_read-13097/) we allready used a phone to drive a car via WLAN ...works very well! :-)
I love my iPhone and I was excited to read this post. I thought it was very funny. Some of the apps here are pretty goofy in my opinion, but I do agree with remote control car. Oh yeah~ that would be GREAT! Also, I think the Ransom Caller app would be a cool way to send a normal text message... not a ransom message.
You rock, this is an awesome article! A note of interest: you can buy a "mini" breathalyzer, from thinkgeek.com. Attaches to your key chain and you're good to go! (Or to call a cab)
apple actually listening to their consumers and what they want is like president gw bush listening to his voters and actually having a double digit approval rating.... It AIN'T gonna happen!!! I think I would just be happy if iPhone supported flash... But again, it ain't happening, we all been butching about that functionality since the first iPhone came out a year ago. 3G been out almost 3 months and apple still has a "fuck off" attitude toward flash... Not impressed I will save my $$$ and wait for the competitor to blow apple out of the water like they usually do... Actually I think blackberry has already done that..... I dunno... Enjoy all!!
Meh, I think there are too many useless apps in the store already. I'd rather developers take their time to perfect their product instead of pumping out lame app after lame app. The ones you mentioned have been talked about on the internet numerous times, but cute article nonetheless!
This blog is LOL funny! The YouPorn had me rolling! Thanks for the laugh; I really needed it! You never fail to give me a laugh either! Keep blogging!
Now that is awesome. I would love to have the Lie Detector app on my Iphone. And come on the xray app.LOL. The Porn and the Dealer locator are genius.
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