While waiting in line this weekend at the Apple store in Santa Monica, I was shocked by the questions posed by passers-by to the line-elites.

These people were most likely foreigners or red state hillbillies on summer vacation. The degree of ignorance displayed was disturbing.

It was as if we'd crash landed on a Planet of the Apes, where only I and my fellow line-warriors had any conception of modern technology, civilization, and the messianic glory of Father Jobs and the Apple Trinity.

Though I doubt these people own computers or are capable of reading complex English, I must record responses to their questions with the hope that many thousands of years from now their species will advance to the point that they can comprehend our brief encounter with their primitive ancestors. (Like our relationship with the aliens that built the pyramids.)

What are you waiting in line for?

Perhaps the most common question, as well as the most unfathomable. We are honoring beauty, imagination, childlike wonder, and all that is pure and good in the world.

Beyond the animalistic lives of primitive humans, there is a higher plane of spiritual being. Although we cannot depart our bodies and live permanently in this realm, we must grasp for it and cherish the rare moments of nirvana that can be achieved through ownership of iPhone 3G.

Why are you waiting in line for a phone?

iPhone 3G cannot be described by the word "phone" in your primitive language. It is the most advanced handheld device ever known to humanity and probably the universe. Perhaps the magnitude of this technology is easier to comprehend if you think of iPhone as a magical artifact that sorcerers use to communicate with omniscient spirits.

Won't iPhone 3G still be available next week?

Technically, yes. But you are missing the entire purpose of paying tribute to the glory of iPhone and the great blessing bestowed by Apple Corporation. In the way that people make public demonstrations in support of abolition, human rights, and civil liberties, the Apple faithful show their loyalty to the one true producer of consumer electronics.

Also by next week anybody could have one. Even dullards like you will get wind of it and the entire cachet of being among the first people to get one will be totally shot.

How long have you been waiting in line?

This question is completely irrelevant. You might as well ask the souls in purgatory how long they'd be willing to wait before gaining entrance to heaven. The human conception of time has no meaning when scaled to infinity.

What's the difference between iPhone 3G and the original iPhone?

Oh nothing, nothing at all. Nothing besides dramatically faster internet connectivity, real GPS technology, a redesigned exterior, and dozens of brand new applications that do all types of crazy intelligent stuff you probably never heard of. But other than that no difference at all.

And finally...

Can I buy your spot in line?

No, but you can cut in front of me when no one's looking for $500 and I'll pretend you were there the whole time.