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Why We Wait In Line for iPhone 3G and You Are Inferior
While waiting in line this weekend at the Apple store in Santa Monica, I was shocked by the questions posed by passers-by to the line-elites.
These people were most likely foreigners or red state hillbillies on summer vacation. The degree of ignorance displayed was disturbing.
It was as if we'd crash landed on a Planet of the Apes, where only I and my fellow line-warriors had any conception of modern technology, civilization, and the messianic glory of Father Jobs and the Apple Trinity.
Though I doubt these people own computers or are capable of reading complex English, I must record responses to their questions with the hope that many thousands of years from now their species will advance to the point that they can comprehend our brief encounter with their primitive ancestors. (Like our relationship with the aliens that built the pyramids.)
What are you waiting in line for?
Perhaps the most common question, as well as the most unfathomable. We are honoring beauty, imagination, childlike wonder, and all that is pure and good in the world.
Beyond the animalistic lives of primitive humans, there is a higher plane of spiritual being. Although we cannot depart our bodies and live permanently in this realm, we must grasp for it and cherish the rare moments of nirvana that can be achieved through ownership of iPhone 3G.
Why are you waiting in line for a phone?
iPhone 3G cannot be described by the word "phone" in your primitive language. It is the most advanced handheld device ever known to humanity and probably the universe. Perhaps the magnitude of this technology is easier to comprehend if you think of iPhone as a magical artifact that sorcerers use to communicate with omniscient spirits.
Won't iPhone 3G still be available next week?
Technically, yes. But you are missing the entire purpose of paying tribute to the glory of iPhone and the great blessing bestowed by Apple Corporation. In the way that people make public demonstrations in support of abolition, human rights, and civil liberties, the Apple faithful show their loyalty to the one true producer of consumer electronics.
Also by next week anybody could have one. Even dullards like you will get wind of it and the entire cachet of being among the first people to get one will be totally shot.
How long have you been waiting in line?
This question is completely irrelevant. You might as well ask the souls in purgatory how long they'd be willing to wait before gaining entrance to heaven. The human conception of time has no meaning when scaled to infinity.
What's the difference between iPhone 3G and the original iPhone?
Oh nothing, nothing at all. Nothing besides dramatically faster internet connectivity, real GPS technology, a redesigned exterior, and dozens of brand new applications that do all types of crazy intelligent stuff you probably never heard of. But other than that no difference at all.
And finally...
Can I buy your spot in line?
No, but you can cut in front of me when no one's looking for $500 and I'll pretend you were there the whole time.
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The iPhone 3G is a piece of crap - if you knew anything at all about the cell-phones of the world you would have realized this, and anyone who think the iPhone is "the most advanced handheld device ever known to humanity" is simply stupid and ignorant beyond words. This is why: http://geekedout.se/iphone.php and http://www.digitgeek.com/7-reasons-why-iphone-3g-sucks/
LOL, waiting in line for an inferior toy. Yes we're all apes (cough,cough) looked in the mirror recently Mr. can't make up your own mind and follow what the media tells you to. "It has faster internet" wow every phone I've had on Sprint has had EV-DO welcome to something many people have had for years, it has GPS so does my phone wow and you can't even use navigation applications with that fancy old GPS(what no A-GPS for that Iphone)?
I think that it is sad that people waste their precious life time standing in lines for material goods that the corporations brainwash them into believing they must have or they will not be "cool" or whatever. Its all about money and making people feel inferior to other people. I will never understand it.
Very funny! I *gasp* do not own an iphone, but I certainly enjoy your comments here!
These are just phone. These people need to get lives and find real life problems to care about. When I see these people standing in line it makes me think that we are regressing backwards.
And this is why you're visiting this site and writing in ENGLISH, right? LOL
The iPhone is NOT just a phone! How in the would could you say that. I don't know what is going on in your minds but people who think the way you think need SERIOUS help!!! Fast!
lol good stuff
The degree of of arrogance displayed by the author is only is only surpassed by his distorted view of anyone not aligned with his thinking.
hahah "please die".. well said.
That's why it's amusing!
This is great! Brilliant work - truly hysterical. "Father Jobs," people without iPhones being "from red states," "the Apple trinity," et cetera. Great parody.
But the funniest part is how stupid most of your readers who go on to leave a comment are. Can people *really* not see the sarcasm here?
Drink Me.
While you were in line, I got laid!!! It was glorious!!!!!
Oh my god... people actually thought he was being serious with this article.
It's called satire and you people are exceptionally stupid.
this article was a joke, but the comments were worth the read, apple fanboys need to get a life
I can't believe the majority of replies think this is serious. it is a joke/satire..come on now.
hahahaha and you are inferior mortals! take that hahahahha
you are a pretentious deuche bag. burn in hell.
"i wont wipe my ass with an i-phone. the shit on my ass is worth much more.
"
the shit on your ass probably has more chance of opening a MMS than an iphone aswell lol
Nice satire. You nailed pretending to be an Apple consumer. They only way you could've made it better would be with a picture of you standing next to your VW Passat/Toyota Prius with an obama/vegan/yoga/free tibet bumper sticker and a starbucks cup in hand. oh, and a hemp-sewn courier bag, flip-flops/converse tennis-shoes and/or a trendy turtle-neck.
You have something to say to the author of this article? Go find him.
He'll be waiting in line for 84 hours to suck Job's dick.
Yes, we call them tourists...
i wont wipe my ass with an i-phone. the shit on my ass is worth much more.
I'll agree with you that much of this country is a pile...founded on hypocritical premises and yeah, it is sliding into the toilet. But god damn, you f*****s that refer to humans that live in this geographical area as, homogeneously moronic, flag-waving 'mericans. you are the idiots. why not judge people by what they do and say rather than where they are from...dipsh**.
what, there are no fat, illiterate, willfully ignorant numbskulls in your country?
I'm an American, and I approve the above statement.
In general, we're a crappy nation.
Whats really funny about that is, America could continue to slide into the toilet for the next 5 years, and in the end, it still wouldn't be as shitty as the place you probably call home.
If any of the above posters thought this was serious ... I weep for humanity.
ROFLZ, this was NOT funny!
I like how just because you're a dork, you think you can write a funny, dry, satirical op-ed that makes you look like you come out on top!
For all we know, you weren't looking for a new phone, rather a new sex toy.
pwnedpwnedpwned
California has the most flakes, according to Frank Zappa.
This is a perfect example of everyone being at the "Mall" in America. It makes me ill. Keep spending, keep shopping. Sure you've got the money, credit whatever but when it all crashes down, it being society, your iPhone won't represent anything except plastic and metal.
And being annoying pretentious assholes?
LOL! this guy is right and it's just a phone i should know i have an iphone. a real dickhead wrote this article, talkin of nirvana and such. LOL what a joke these apple fanboys are!
BWAHAHAHHAHHAH. World power. That's some funny shit considering your whole country is sliding into the toilet, your dollar is plummeting and the entire world hates you. Hell, your country's financial institutions can't even keep themselves afloat without your government propping them up while millions of homeowners are thrown into the street.
Idiot.
Can you get Steve Jobs' c*** out of your mouth? I didn't hear what you were saying.
This article shows exactly the mentality of an Apple fanboi and should be used as a guide to figure out what kind of dipshit to avoid speaking to.
YES! You just made my day. I was on my way to post a very similar comment, thinking how odd it was that no one actually GOT it, and thinking how humorous it is to watch these poor saps endlessly throw poo at each other. Well done my friend. Well done, indeed!
Mac fanboys are loosers......its definetly NOT the most advanced phone out on the market, and as a smartphone, its mediocre, still.....
It has NO MMS, that must be very advanced....
It has NO STERO BLUETOOTH, that must be 22 century or something...especially for a music player.
It doesnt have a full compliment of bluetooth profiles....nuff said...
It has no Stylus, pretty advanced since its one of the very very very very few touchscreen phones that doesn't.
Its so advanced, that's its the only 3g phone that doesn't have an internal vga camera, or external flash....perhaps its just being iSmug....
No picture uploading in browser.....
No keyboard...the HTC brands have the same touchscreen with accelerometer and they have slide out keyboards and all the features mentioned above.
The mapping software sucks and the gps hardware isnt any better.....I'm NOT in kryzdzrzarearastan !!!!
More people own an Iphone than Mac, so why not a development environment for windows..or linux...
Its so advanced, that its batter cannot be replaced.
Its sooooooo advanced that its locked to a provider by default when it should of been sold as an unlocked phone....
Its soooooo advanced that it doesnt sync with windows properly...or at all.....
Its soooooo advanced it doesnt need an IR port....most windows based phones have one.....so you can change channels on the tv...
What a dumbass Mactard. Pull your head out of Jobs' colon, you asswipe. You're the inferior scum with small penis that' why you need some overhyped tech crap.
For all of those who said "It's only a phone...", I didn't hear anything like this when people were waiting in lines for Windows. Hmmmmmmmm...it's only an operating system.
This article is pathetic. A phone is a phone. These people have to know they are certainly not extra cool because they wasted hours standing in a line. I sincerely hope this article is viral marketing or someone isn't going to be getting a lot of calls on their new iphone because they're too lame to hang out with.
"I'm a consumer whore!"....not
It's funny how many people didn't get the tone of this piece of writing. This guy is not serious. Might even be mocking the liners. What I find funny about these people that stand in line and wait to be the first, is that they're the ones that complained when the price drop took place.
At the same time it does show how effective marketing can be. Beat you over the head and tell you how much cooler you are than somebody else that uses their phone to make calls.
we can because were the only world power. i presume your euro trash
I think people missed the satire. Not that the article was really that amusing anyway, given I know people who seriously think like that.
My observations were that the "liner uppers" were more likely "Blue State" snobs who will shortly revel in the glow of the privilege of paying higher taxes. Pretty much like the folks who love the smell of their own farts as they drive a Prius (south Park episode that captured your ilk to perfection).
Oh? was this a political column?
Stupid author.
I am a "red stater" who had the self control to wait a few days to buy without a line. But then again, you are voting for the empty words of "hope and change". I don't expect you to be adult enough to understand that my time is more Valuable then yours.
RC
all those who are knocking the iphone can't afford it. And don't be fooled by the wankster above me. He is what they call, an internet troller. He cruises through blogs hoping to stir the hornets nest by making remedial comments.
Now go play with your free subsidized phone. hahaha.
awww, guys, first off, the guy is a writer. Second off, a writer for People Jam. Lets cut him some slack, he obviously is unable to afford one for himself.
Look people, relax. There are people who love Ford and Chevys, and there are those like us who enjoy BMW's and Audi's. We like our products designed and engineered so ease up and be happy.
just saying the htc touch diamond and touch pro put this phone to shame. i have a 1g iphone as well.
Linux won't work for a number of things that the Mac user-base needs their computers for like graphic design, music development, and using Apple software. hahaha
"...where only I and my fellow line-warriors had any conception of modern technology, civilization..."
If you had any conception of modern technology you would stand in line for a phone that is ACTUALLY modern. Wow the iPhone just got 3G, 3.5G phones are already everywhere. OMG IT JUST GOT GPS, phones have had GPS in them for a few years now, and the fact that you still can't send/recieve MMS messages or copy/paste anything is sad, and the camera that has an extremly low resolution and cant take video. It's alright if you like the phone but DO NOT call it the best phone out there becuase it has a long way to go before it can actually copete with an actual smart phone.
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