You selfish son of a bitch. Yeah, you. What, you think we didn't notice? You're ruining the gym for everybody else. Why? Because you're an asshole.

When you join a gym, you need to abide by certain rules - many of these are passed on to you by the hot chick at the front desk. For example, to become a member you have to pay X amount at the same time each month. Before they'll let you work out by yourself, you'll need an induction course from a personal trainer, even though you weigh 240 pounds and have a bodyfat percentage somewhere in the low teens, whereas he's 160 and likes to do his dumbbell flyes on the Swiss ball. And if you're really, really fat and/or ugly, you should probably think about working out at home.

And so on.

But there are many important rules that, whilst unwritten, must be obeyed at all costs. Pay attention, as inevitably you're part of the problem.

Have A Shower Before You Go To The Gym. Or at least wash your armpits and put some deodorant on. I've been a member of four different gyms in the last ten years. One of them - a tiny, old-fashioned, bodybuilder's dungeon kind of a place - used to have a big sign near the front door that said, IF YOU STINK, I WILL TELL YOU! And the proprietor - a woman, naturally - used to stand by that rule. As a result, the place wasn't awash with the foul stench of body odour. This isn't the case in the upper-market gym I belong to now. Lots of people blatantly do not wash. Ever. All it takes is one really foul-smelling Neanderthal to walk past you when you're in the middle of eight reps on the bench to really screw you up. And trying to hide your smell with some dime-store bodyspray isn't a substitute for some hot water and soap. You stink - how the hell can you not know?

Wash Your Gym Clothes Every Time You Use Them. Again, it's common sense, isn't it? When you sweat, your clothes get dirty. Wash them when you get home, or never come back to the gym again.

Lose The Perfume. It's one thing to be clean at the gym, quite another to have bathed in cologne before you came out. It's preferable to B.O., sure, but nobody wants to breathe any of your shit in, believe me.

Dress Appropriately. Lose the stupid bandana, don't wear sunglasses indoors and if the only colour of socks you own are black, you need to shop. And nobody needs to wear jeans to the gym - nobody. This isn't a frickin’ fashion show.

Lose The Attitude. Yeah, you're a real big guy. You've been coming to the gym for years and, like the Hulk, you're probably the strongest one there is. You can lift eight plates? Good on you. Now stop being a jerk, learn some manners and if you eyeball me again I swear to God I'm going to follow you home and kill everyone in your family while you watch.

Don't Hog The Machine. Or a given set of weights. If you're the sort of pathetic loser who needs to rest for 5-10 minutes between your set of fifteen reps at the lowest weight, sod off and do it somewhere else. I can get my entire workout on that machine done in the five minutes you spend sitting there wondering why you've been doing the same thing for six years and haven't gained a pound of muscle.

You Don't Always Have To Superset. Or tri-set, or giant set. Going from the squat rack to the bench to the pulldown machine and making me wait for an hour for you to finish is why bad things happen to worse people.

Let Someone Work In. If you're going to be on a machine for a while and you see me waiting, ask if I want to work in with you. Or, usually, I'll ask you. And you must say ‘yes'. It's the right thing to do, especially if you're the sort of cretin who does ten sets of twenty reps.

Leave Your Phone In The Locker. Or at least turn the volume off. You didn't come to the gym to make calls - you came to work out. The only thing worse than some ignorant cretin hogging some dumbbells or an exercise machine for five minutes between sets is another ignorant cretin chatting to his ‘homeboy' (i.e., another ignorant cretin) on his mobile phone for quarter of an hour. If you want to make calls, go home. I came to lift weights.

Shut The F**k Up. At every gym I've ever been to there's always one loud-mouthed ignoramus whose normal speaking voice seems about a hundred decibels higher than Moses'. You know this muppet - he's either talking on the phone (as above), barking to his lowlife of a friend about some shit in their non-existent life or singing along to whatever R&B crap they've got coming out of the stereo system. Don't let this person be you. Shut the f**k up.

Use One Set Of Dumbbells At A Time. You're not a pro. You don't need to lay out all five sets of dumbbells in advance, all in a nice little row, so you can stay sitting on your fat ass the entire time. While minimising your rest-time between sets is to be applauded, making everybody else in the gym wait for you to finish your entire routine is not. One set at a time, Einstein.

Don't Hog The Bench. You do not need to do thirty sets of declines, inclines and flat bench. You are not Ronnie Coleman. You are an asshole.

The Smith Machine Does Not Belong To You. If you're at the gym by yourself it often makes a lot of sense to do certain exercises on the Smith machine. Safety first, and all that. What you should not do is run your entire workout through it - squats, bench press, rows, deadlifts, military press, and calf-raises. One time, I even saw one guy trying to do curls on the Smith. If you can't do most of these exercises in the right place, you're lifting too much weight. Go home. Infomercials were made for people like you.

Put The F**king Weights Back In The Right Place. Yeah, you're the big strong guy, huh? We've seen you laying down and doing a questionable three reps with the 100-pounders, huffing and panting, and dropping them to the floor when you're finished so everybody can hear. Nice job. Now pick them the hell up and put them back on the rack, you selfish bastard. This goes double for the bench. I don't have time to strip down the six five-pounders you have on each side. Do it the f**k yourself.

Don't Lift More Than You Can Handle. You look like an idiot. You've only been coming to the gym for a week and you're already wearing the wifebeater and wrist-wraps. It's ‘arms day', yeah? Gonna work those guns. COME ON! Yeah, go ahead - pick up those 60-pound dumbbells and crank out a set of curls, your shoulders and back doing 90 per cent of the work, you schmuck. Now try the 16-pound ones, and do a proper set. Asshole.

If You're Skinny As A Rake, Don't Wear Spandex. What are you - gay? Is that what you want people to think? It must be. We do. You weigh 140 pounds, max. There is nothing there that people want to see. Put a t-shirt on. Even if you are gay, at least give us something to wonder about.

If You're Built Like A Brick Shithouse, Don't Wear Spandex. It's gay!

Don't Openly Stare At The Hot Chicks. Do it secretly with a sly turn of the head while you're doing your set. That way, everybody wins.

If You're A Hot Chick, Don't Get Offended If We Stare. Nobody told you to wear no bra and run on the goddamn treadmill. Either dress appropriately or deal with it.

When You Finish With The Bench Or A Machine, Wipe Off Your Sweat. It's common courtesy. Particularly if you're ugly.

You Are Not, And Never Will Be, A ‘Cage Fighter'. Unless your gym doubles as a dojo or boxing club, it is not the place for you to stand around with your equally stupid friends and practice roundhouse kicks, shadow box or engage in ‘sparring' sessions. You look like a complete imbecile, which of course is what you are.

Do Not Talk To Me. Ever. Particularly when I'm in the middle of a set. Yes, you can have it when I'm finished. What, you thought I was taking it home with me? Moron.

If I'm In Front Of A Mirror, I'm Using It. Standing in front of me means you must die.

Don't Expect Me To Spot For You. I'm busy. "Just help me get it up, then I'll be okay," you say. No you won't. You're lifting too much. Re-evaluate, and leave me the hell alone.

Keep Away From Me. I need my space. What I don't need is your bench six inches away from mine. Find somewhere else. Like another gym.

Do Not Scream Or Shout When Lifting Weights. Yes, you're a strong guy. We can all see that. We don't need to hear it. Nobody needs to go "YEAH!" or "COME ON!" during reps. Grunting loudly or screaming doesn't make you any stronger. It makes you a moron.

Lose The F**king Entourage. Having a partner to help you out in the gym is admirable. A partner. One. If there's three or more of you then you're inevitably only there to socialise which means you're going to stand around talking about whatever hideous piece of trailer trash you may or may not be ‘hitting' or the lack of modifications you've made to your piece-of-shit ‘pimped up’ car in between poorly-performed sets of EZ bar curls, bench presses, shoulder raises and other ‘beach body' exercises. Either come to the gym to do a proper workout or don't.

Don't Give Me Advice. Did I ask for your help? No.

Listen To Me When I Give You Advice. You're an idiot and doing it all wrong.

Don't Claim To Be Natural When You're Blatantly Not. We can all see the acne all over your face and shoulders. Nobody in their late 20s is that greasy. I don't give a shit if you're juicing or not - just don't make out you're Mr Natural when you're something else.

Don't Ever Let Me Hear You Use The Word ‘Stack'. This is particularly important if you're referring to the ‘stacks' they sell in bodybuilding magazines. Just because you take creatine and glutamine back-to-back after your protein shake does not make it a stack. It makes you a gullible puppet.

You Never Used To Be ‘Bigger'. You've always been the same - small. You did not used to compete years ago and you never had any serious shoulder injury that meant you had to take a year off and "lost all your size."

Most Personal Trainers Are Assholes - Ignore Everything They Say. This is particularly true if you belong to a fancy gym in a fashionable location. It looks like a glamorous job, but most personal trainers earn the same sort of money as the guy who flips burgers at McDonalds. Nine times out of ten whatever bullshit routine they're insisting is the best thing ever came out of that month's issue of Muscle & Fitness. Here's a simple rule of thumb you can use to evaluate your PT: the more exercises they want you to do on the Swiss or balance ball, the more retarded they are. I heard one trainer telling his client to do squats on the Swiss ball once. Squats. I'm pretty sure that client is now dead.

Don't let that be you. Unless you're the sort of person who never bathes, hogs all the machines and thinks you're going to fight in the UFC - in which case, go right ahead.