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10 Reasons to Not Date a Married Man
There are no positive reasons for dating a married man. Even the good reasons don't stand the test of time and turn out to be bad ideas in good ideas' clothing. If you find yourself on the brink of temptation, look at these 10 truths before you leap:
1. He won't commit to a future with you.
A man who is in a very unhappy or unsatisfying marriage can feel swept away by how wonderful you make him feel. He may even blurt out, "I've never felt this way before and I can see spending the rest of my life with you." This may sound like a commitment to a future with you. It's not. Don't confuse his loving the way you make him feel with his loving you and making a commitment to you.
2. Cheating on his wife tells you how he deals with any situation he doesn't like.
You are evidence of his inability to avoid dealing with unpleasant situations head on. This means that he's likely to resort to some devious behavior with you if the two of you encounter relationship problems.
3. Hiding is exhausting.
Having to keep your relationship a secret can attack your self-esteem and cause you to miss out on one of the wonderful aspects of a relationship. Walking together freely and radiantly through the world can fill you with the glow of being with someone who is proud to be with you.
4. He's got his cake and is eating it, too.
He has a legitimate married relationship that helps his public persona and he has an illegitimate one with you to make up for what he's missing in his marriage. As appreciative as he sounds, many women who are involved with married men come to resent his having the best of both worlds, when she has the least.
5. Can you love someone who is so disrespectful of his wife?
The existence of your relationship with a married man tells you how little he respects his wife by lying to her instead of being a man and telling her that he wants out.
6. Lose his respect and it's over.
Even though he's the one who pursued you. Even though he's the one that made it difficult to say "No." And even though he tells you how wonderful you are. At some level, he's going to have trouble respecting you for settling for such a flawed relationship. Like the Groucho Marx joke, "He may not want to be in a relationship that would have him as a partner."
7. You're not a home wrecker, just an accomplice.
Like it or not, you are a willing participant in a man violating his vows and betraying the trust of his wife -- not to mention grossly disappointing his children and making it difficult for them to see him as a role model.
8. You're kidding yourself.
Despite his reassuring you how much you mean to him, his not ending his relationship with his wife in an above-board and respectful way -- and not beginning a legitimate relationship with you -- are actions that speak louder than words.
9. Beware the guilt boomerang.
Many men (and women) have difficulty accepting full responsibility for their deceitful actions. Human nature finds it easier to blame than to accept shame. If he is caught by his wife or conscience, don't be surprised if he tries to blame you and get you to take the fall.
10. Time is too precious to waste.
Ever notice how quickly the years go as you get older? Because it's convenient and comfortable, a relationship with a married man can go on for a long time -- and before you know it, eat up the precious time you might have had in a healthy relationship with a chance of flourishing. When people who have been involved with married men finally move on, they often regret having wasted the time in a dead-end affair.
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Great points, Dr. Mark. On some level, women who get involved with married men know all of these things. However, it's hard to ignore them in writing. I used to make similar points to former patients involved in love triangles. Thanks for posting them here.
The bottom line is that excuses for the married man not to end his marriage are just that: EXCUSES. It doesn't matter how complicated, if you're going to end it, you end it. There is no perfect time. There's no way to do it without emotional fallout. Either the married man grows up and grows a pair or all parties stay in a ultimately unsatisfying situation. Life's about making choices, especially the difficult ones.
i had an affair with a married man for 3 years. i was married as well, we had known eachother from work. after the first year i left my husband for him. When my husband found out , he told my lover's wife, and they began to work on the marriage, i was heartbroken. tragically my husband was killed in a car accident, and in my grief, the relationship started again. For another year and a half i had to hear lie after lie "im going to leave, just a little more time." i should have left then, but he was a physician, and took care of me somewhat financially. He finally divorced 2.5 years after the affair started, but i found out he was still texting his ex wife, "i miss you, i love you". I should have known since i felt he was still hiding me from her, even though they had been divorced 3 months. the bottom line is i hurt a lot of people, including his wife, who did not deserve it. and just because he divorces you, if he ever does, does not mean you will end up together. take it from me, my lover divorced his wife, and we still didnt end up together. you ask who ended it? me, i could not take it anymore, the relationship had drained me, and what was left of me was this miserable, bitter person. he had hurt me so much from all the lies and bs, that i could not be with him anymore. i miss him very much. it was not worth it, and what is left for me, only guilt. in the end, no one wins...
I had an affair for many years with a married man. It was something I swore I'd never do but I fell in love.
He kept telling me he was going to leave and wanted to plan a future with me but it was never the right time. First he wanted to wait until he'd put enough money away. Then he had a career problem. Then he couldn't desert his kids and wanted to wait until the last one left for college.
I hung in until his second child left the nest. Then his wife's doctor found a suspicious mole and he couldn't desert her in her hour of need. Finally I had enough.
I regret the years I spent waiting and hoping. Five minutes was to long to wait for someone who doesn't have a backbone. I feel used and foolish. I blame me to. I wanted to believe.
I wish I could say everything was great and I found a wonderful man to share my life with. I wasted the best years of my life and I cant ever get them back.
Hi ive been dateing a married man for two years and he has told me that he will leave his wife after the kids go to college what should i do?
As a man dealing with a wife who has pretty much abandoned him and is living in limbo, I would say follow these rules:
0) Be open. If you go on a date tell the wife. Also, let the date know your situation and that you aren't available for more than casual dating.
1) No sex. It will just drive you and your date mad until your situation is finalized.
"1) No sex."
LOL
We're talking about humans right?
Its very difficult to resist sex,but i did it just coz he shldnt do it
with her
But all in vain, despite of loosing my viginity i am still standing empty
handed. He do everything with his wife no bars for him.
But lies that he is not involved.
Why these men dnt understand the feeling of true love
I love him truely but he despite of having his wife had so many girlfriends
wat a destiny i have got!!!
He is always fooling me around!! and i didnt even know it
He says his wife is on the top most priority and then anything else comes
Then Jesus ask him y he loved me so much , where his priorities were gone when
he was with me on bed
God Will Never Spare these Married men!!!
GOd if u Exist then Punish them......for breaking Hearts and faiths
Good article. Very good advice.
I agree, I am 25 and in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for the past 5 years plus and we have a child together, we are not yet married but it was our intention in the beginning. Things have changed so much that I don't think i can see myself married to him.
About a month ago a married guy with two kids came into my life, he is handsome, sensitive, loving and has everything a woman can ever want. I was actually considering dating him secretly but after reading your article my mind has suddenly changed. Why should i give up my five years of hard work with someone i fell in love with for someone who is married and won't commit to me.
Thanks for the advice.
Why restrict it to married men? Married women cheat too, perhaps as often or more so. Though perhaps the 10 reasons would be different.
well wht do i say m involved with a married man . He is 51 and m 30. He is separated from his wife stays with me always . only goes home to give money to the house . He says its impossible to get the divorce done as catholic churches dunt allow.
you are doning something no right. Are you happy with your situation now. Do you know you are breaking someone heart and family for your own love. /try to have love that not to the extent hurting and break other family remember. Even whatever reason you give we will not stand for you
A familiar situation! Move on with your life. He is not being open to you. Very soon, he will tell you why things can't work out between the two of you. And then, where do you stand? This is not right.
I have been in love with a married man for almost 10 YEARS. We met on a chat line when I was separated and lonely. He was on and off with his wife and experiencing enormous amounts of stress regarding his business. When he was traveling for the business, we were there for each other, just chatting on the phone, sometimes until dawn. After 5 years we decided to meet. It was the most difficult thing I ever did. I was so confused and guilt ridden. He told me, "(he) was looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with and he hoped that person was me". The "affair" in person lasted for 2 1/2 months. He ended it, saying I reminded him of his wife and I was a lot older than he thought I would be. Meanwhile he is 7 years older than I am and his wife is 8 years older than him, lol. We had a 3 1/2 year period where we didn't speak.
Then he contacted me and things ALMOST started back up again. Thankfully, after he declared in no uncertain terms that he was "staying married for a variety of reasons", I realized this man would only be a friend. It was truly awful and painful and I too, have wasted the best years of my life.
My advise to any woman contemplating or on the verge of this kind of disingenuous relationship is, don't think that it will not affect you for the rest of your life. You are worth so much more. Take care and be strong!!!
This really should be called "10 Reasons to Not Date a Liar". As other commenters pointed out, sometimes a man is legally married but emotionally separated. Also, a new generation is realizing that monogamy doesn't work for everyone; extramarital relationships can absolutely include commitment and healthy emotional support, as long as everyone involved is being honest.
This list really points at dishonesty and inequality, which are huge red flags in any relationship. Just as you should never date someone who won't tell his wife about you, so should you never seriously date someone who won't tell his mother or friends about you. Also, what's good for the gander is good for the goose: if he has a wife, he should not deny you the right to date other people. If you're falling in love, you may not want to actually date someone else, but you can surely test his capacity for jealous rage by telling him that you're going out to dinner with a man you're attracted to. If he forbids it or becomes angry or noncommunicative, you have every reason and right to DTMFA.
Im a married man and have "dated" single women just for sex for years. As for my experience: Some women like the adrenaline, others are very lonely, it doesn't matter how many shrinks they see to get over guilt, or workout hours to get in the best possible shape, they're usually attractive succeful but lonely women that go from one married man to another or stand-by for decades, and there's nothing anybody (shrinks, religion, government, etc) can do about it.
I'm SURE and POSITIVE that if it wasn't for guys like myself these women will get to the graveyard with an empty existence.
God is fair, everyone has as deserved! So if you girls don't find a quiet single to "put-up and shut-up" with your recreational manners or you don't have the guts and patience to reach out for single men, then its either "giving your best years" to "somebody" or to NOBODY (yeap, rot in your bed and work until you're 70 then retire some place nice to get rotten and die).
To all on this website regarding September 4th, 2008, THIS IS EXACTLY WHY NOT TO GET INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED INDIVIDUAL!!! THEY ARE PERFECTLY HEARTLESS AND ONLY THINKING OF THEMSELVES!!!!!!!
i think the person who wrote the comment before mine is sick... and i *truly* feel sorry for him. a person with no moral values like him does not deserve anything.
i'm 25 yrs of age dating this married man, we never had sex we've been together for about 5 months now the main thing is i dont think i'm the only one hi's cheating his wife with so how will i know or should i just back off forget about him and move on with my life or should i just pretend as if i dont see nothing i realy dont know what to anymore i do love him but i just cant take it anymore i just think he's using this thing thing of me loving him as a worpon to short me back please tell me what should i do
You are 25 years old and perhaps a bit lonely so you got involved with this man. Lets think clearly here and not beat yourself up. I would like to help you, I am 49 and I remember 25 very well. Life is very, very good and if you take care of your body, your brain, your heart and spirit you can have a wonderful life. Yes you can have what you want however it is not easy nor is it handed to you. It will not come through dating married men PLEASE. Without a lecture, this will not work. No matter how much you try to convince yourself, this is not the way.
Get on with your life. Remove his name from your email, phone, etc. Do not pick up the phone. If he presses you, do not allow him in to your home but be clear and do not see him. Tell him you are not interested in dating a married man and best of luck. Be kind, firm and disciplined. Save your life. Do not remain friends. WALK AWAY
Take care of yourself.
Great tips! Married men should really know better than to cheat on their wives. I always say, if you don't think you can commit to a relationship, don't get married in the first place. And even if you do, do not give birth to children. How irresponsible can you be running behind other women when you have children to raise of your own??
DON'T DO IT, THE POWER OF SAYING NO AND GOODBYE. DISCIPLINE AND TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF LADIES...YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Some men will say absolutely anything for that immediate sex gratification, it reminds of heroin junkies and what one goes through for a drink or a cigarette in dire straights. Its an illness and indeed you can ruin your life.
For the ladies...don't do it. It is nothing but misery. Your self esteem will be destroyed.
I have been "dating" a married man for 3 months now. We have not actually had sex, just lots of talk about it. I think he feels like he's not really cheating since we have not had sex yet, though he has made many promises of a future with me. I have known this guy for a while and happened into this relationship very unexpectedly, at a very vulnerable time and he knew this. Being in love with a married man is truly misery beyond words. Nobody really understands, you feel very isolated and very alone. In fact, you are. It does destroy your self esteem, because in the end the wife will always be placed above you and it makes you question your own worth. I was actually researching ways to commit suicide before happening upon this site and I'm so glad I found it. After reading all the comments, I know what I need to do and I don't feel so alone. Thanks for letting me vent and share my story.
i have been reading everyones responses and it has helped me tremendously. obviousely i have the same problem as most you have had. i ran into an old friend 2 1/2 years ago, he had told me that he was seperated - why did i think that it gave me the ok to date him, i should no better. i had been married before so i honestly believed that seperation meant divorce just like it did for me, i can't believe i was that naive. my ex husband had an affair for 3 years before he divorced me - so i would have never thought i would date a married man. anyway i broke it off with him for the 20th time a week and a half ago. after sending an email telling him how much he has touched my life and how i love him - i realize when will i grow up - i'm 44 years old. when will i give myself more credit and respect that i deserve. so forgetting the relationship what i want to know is how do i get my self worth back...i feel like this relatioship has kicked me in my heart so many times. i keep blaming myself - i wasn't good enough, or i didn't do the right things, i actually feel as if i am going crazy, trying to figure out what went wrong, what did i do wrong, when none of this is my fault other than i should have never particiapted in something so wrong - but he lied to me and continued to lie to me and now i feel so completely terrible so let down so worn out - so unworthy. as if he is so much better than me and i am a no body. he has money and is very well known and his job is everything that i love - what i have a passion for, so i wanted to be every part of him...i know this isn't making sense..but i'm so lost and hurt and i want all of your advise how do i stop blaming myself.
Wise, wise words...unless you enjoy second-guessing yourself and
feeling like hell 80% of the time. RUN, RUN as fast as you can.
I meant to add more to the previous., I just ended a 10 year relationship with a married man and although is difficult for the moment since it is hard to get over him I believe I did the right thing.
i do have one thing to say - i was wrong for getting involved with a married man. I actually believed him when he said he was seperated and when i realized he really wasn't i was so deep in the relationship i didn't think enough of myself to get out. well the purpose of this email is to apologize to all of the women who's husbands have been unfaithful to them. i have also been on that end and it hurt so so bad. so again to all the married women - I apolize for myself and the others that have hurt you. it is wrong and it is so painful.......everyone of us need to believe more in ourselves, we are beautiful women that deserve the very best. that also goes for the men that have been cheated on.....
I was in a relationship with a very beautiful, married man. I loved him in every way possible, I still love him. But he did me so wrong, he said he needed time apart then when we had it and came back things were cool for 4 days. He gave my key back and called me into tears. He lies so much and forgets about it. I lied once and no were over. I did nothing but love this man everyday of my life. We even got caught by his wife and the relationship lasted for months afterwards, he always keeps coming back, but I don't know if he will this time. I know I should stay away from him, but he means so much to me. I loved this man more than any other man I've ever been with. Everything about him was so good, except for his lies. I loved this man so much. I just want my fairytale ending with him, but it probably won't happen. I'm so sad and my feelings are hurt and he probably isn't feeling a thing.
I am glad you ended the 10 year affair, I hope the next 10 years will be romantically happy for you, that you get want you want. Don't look back, its a good lesson learned. i wasn't with a married man for 10 years but my last decade was lonely and very tough, but I made it.
This is for the married man who made a comment Sept 4, this column is not for you. Your rude remarks are not wanted here. Your feedback did not add anything constructive.
i met a married man recently. we really get on well, and seem to 'click'.
i truly believe that sometimes two people marry, and many years later may be in a sitution not brought on by them or you...but a chance meeting outside there marriage. someone who they get on well with and maybe even more so than the wife, or husband. sometimes you marry an individual, and truly realize there may have been someone else you were meant to be with. as long as you dont act on it, and keep your sh1t in check, feelings are feelings, and no one should feel guilt for the way they feel, only for the way they deal with the feelings.
Hi there! I'm the "Sept4 Married Man", some controversy here, ok here's my answer to:
1. Anonymous on September 14: I do have values but their just different than yours (and I'm not the only one who shares them). I might "not deserve anything" from your perspective, but believe me I'm probably getting more than anybody in their lives. Don't go around feeling sorry for others that usually reflects Your Own Self-Esteem.
2. Anonymous on October 6: You want something constructive read again my comment and EITHER: A) stay out of that profile, grab your own luck by the horns and stop self flagellating (Truth is "rude", only Lies are "soft"), OR B) Enjoy life as it comes, and please do remember you only live once.
3. "Sucidal" Anonymous on October 11: Sucide is proably WORST than cheating or being "the other" all together. Its like if want a turkey, but you only get chiken and you say: No thanks! I think I'll eat shit instead! I advise you to take the chiken.
4. "I agree" Anonymous on October 11: Make your brains grow and make a point in your answers, nobody dates "I agree" people, they die lonely. Even the cheater, the cheated or the other have more brains than that.
5. To add more fuel to the fire: Saying that women cheat too and more than men its a cheap line, so I'll just bring to your attention that not all cheaters are liars they just don't usually tell the whole truth and WOMEN don't usually ask the right questions or skip them on pourpose. By all means DO "date" married man if that's what life gives, you'll remember it all life long!!, BUT do NOT fall in love with a married man unless you are sure of who you are, what you're getting into and a safe way back to you ego.
Cool... So, what about 2 people in happy, loving, committed relationships (1 married, 1 not). Niether was looking for anyone, but they met & connected so well.
Niether has any plans to leave their partners, or wishes vise versa.
So now, we're mutually wondering "what are we suppossed to do now" - as the game grows more fun everyday & the feelings get stronger.
I have a lot of love to give & I don't feel guilty about anything.
I searched "why not to get involved w/ a married man" to see if someone could convince me otherwise.
Sensible advice is welcome, please.
Yeah, but if someone in this triangle is being lied to, then it is an unhealthy situation.
If the marriage is open and everyone knows about everyone else and what they do, and safe sex is practiced, then, that would fall under "polyamory" -- but if a spouse is being deceived, and there is a lot of sneaking around, and partners or children feel neglected, with negative emotions being generated from (or by) any associated party -- then it is not a good situation and should be ended or adjusted, one way or another.
Other wise, if someone comes up with an STD or a pregnancy, someone might have a lot of explaining to do. Someone is going to get hurt if it's all a big secret. The sooner it's out in the open, the more time the spouse has to deal with emotions of betrayal and neglect, recover from it, and find someone who may be more compatible. It's a courtesy to the offended partner.
If it's not out in the open, that's why they call it "cheating."
Just because men can have sex without becoming emotionally attached doesn't mean women can. Its called oxytocin. What you are doing is not "dating", its using. Just because those poor women don't know it doesn't absolve you of responsibility for damaging them, or your wife for that matter. If you have some kind of open marriage or something, fine. But otherwise you are a person who does not keep their promises. There is NOTHING ok about that, no matter what nasty-$5.00-worded-reply you may make. You talk about others' self esteem? Only those with the absolute lowest could live a life like yours "getting more than anybody in their lives". Just a little "rude Truth", no offense.
i am dating a married man for the past 3 years. he says he can not leave his children because they are still very young. she has threaten him to take everything away from him. she also says that he will not be allowed to see his children. i dont know if i should end this or keep on waiting for him. he says that i am the best thing that has happened to him. he has left him home a couple of times and she has denied visitation. should i really belive that he will leave one day and stay with me? HELP!
This is a maried man with children, so the one should pull off is you despite how much he love you. Whatever is not right just not right. If you keep on relationship until illegitimate child exist, the one who suffer is not only you and you child but also you are breaking up other family for you own prosperous, do you want to be a person with guilt for your whole life of doing this just for what so call true love. For that i rather be a society helper helping people instead of hurting people.
Oh, if children are involved you best leave well enough alone, honey. That's a powerful kind of love.
I am 32 and I am currently seperated and have found myself involved with a married man. This happened by mistake we knew eachother casualy but then something happened and something changed and here we are together. I know that he won't leave his wife and for the time being I am still leagaly married so therefor getting involve in a serious relationship with someone sigle is not a possibility at the moment. I will say this that he was upfront and honest that he has no plans to leave her. He has also treated me better than anyone else i have ever been with. He makes it a point to see me as often as he can which is alot i see him at least 4-5 days a week. Granted he can not always stay the night and that is the part that i miss. He doesn't want me to see anyone else so therefor he tries to keep me as happy as he can so that i don't want to see anyone else. He makes sure that we take trips together so that we can go out and be a couple without anyone seeing us to get caught. I am not going to say that dating a married man is right or worng.
I think that it is wrong since as a woman i would hate to have someone cheat on me. That raises the question if you were to become involved in a committed relationship and he DID leave his wife would he cheat on you down the road? HMMM I wonder what the answer would be to that one?
I think that being with a married man lets you enjoy things in life with a man that you might have not experienced with out the commitment part of it. Married men are amazing in bed since they don't get that much at home is usually why they stray and they couldn't dare have a younger woman thinking they were anything less in bed.
So i guess it is to each is own. For now for me i think it is what i need to not be lonely but when i am ready for a true relationship this will not be the one that i hold on to.
Hello
This has made some interesting reading. I am confused right now, my wife left me a while ago now, and of course I have been getting on with my own life ever since. I am still technically married, and just seperated, there isnt any posibility of me and the missus getting back together as we both have different veiws on life (one of us doesnt want kids, and the other does) I have met a few women, and have this desire to fill the empty space in my life, and I seem to have met someone I am very fond of, and we seem to get on well together all though there is a sizable age gap (natrually she is younger, how sad is that?). We havnt started a relationship at all yet, but we have been texting alot, and calling each other, and just seem to hit it off well and have fun. I know eventually I will probbably end up divorced from my wife, but I am so confused and i just dont know what to do, i really like her.
I been in relationship for 3 years with a married man. I'm 27 years old, have 2 kids, he has 1. He was my manager at my jobs. I finally left the company becuase there were alot of problems. I love him so much. My heart tells me I love him too much don't ever leave him. The best is yet to come. Then my mind tells me you can do so much better, you are worth so much more leave his ass. I 've tried recently but the next day I gave in, and we got back together. He helps with the bills, and etc. I want to get married, and I want another baby. He can't do neither one. We are very close traveled the world these past years. We see each other 4 days a week......He's like my best-friend. He begged me not to leave him ever. How do I move on really? Do i meet someone first and see how it goes then leave him. I love security, and comfort and time, if I know I have someone that will be with me and respect me having 2 kids the bills and etc, then I will leave him in a heart beat....HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hindsight,etc...! I had a friend who went through this nightmare! Finally,by the grace of God,she broke off the relationship.Guess what! The guy had a new fling within a month!
I would say that this is a commonsense list; but, after reading the comments, I guess I'm wrong. In my younger years, I did pursue married men. At the time I was ignorant and didn't take their families' feelings into consideration. Now that I'm older, all I can think about is the damage that an extramarital affair can cause. Maybe reflecting on that can help others in similar situations.
I think anyone who would engage in a true relationship with a married man has some serious esteem issues. That being said, the points you hit in in this blog post are right on. It all boils down to one main concept, though: if he were such a great catch why's he sliming around on his family?
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