Great points, Dr. Mark. On some level, women who get involved with married men know all of these things. However, it's hard to ignore them in writing. I used to make similar points to former patients involved in love triangles. Thanks for posting them here.

The bottom line is that excuses for the married man not to end his marriage are just that: EXCUSES. It doesn't matter how complicated, if you're going to end it, you end it. There is no perfect time. There's no way to do it without emotional fallout. Either the married man grows up and grows a pair or all parties stay in a ultimately unsatisfying situation. Life's about making choices, especially the difficult ones.

I had an affair for many years with a married man. It was something I swore I'd never do but I fell in love.

He kept telling me he was going to leave and wanted to plan a future with me but it was never the right time. First he wanted to wait until he'd put enough money away. Then he had a career problem. Then he couldn't desert his kids and wanted to wait until the last one left for college.

I hung in until his second child left the nest. Then his wife's doctor found a suspicious mole and he couldn't desert her in her hour of need. Finally I had enough.

I regret the years I spent waiting and hoping. Five minutes was to long to wait for someone who doesn't have a backbone. I feel used and foolish. I blame me to. I wanted to believe.

I wish I could say everything was great and I found a wonderful man to share my life with. I wasted the best years of my life and I cant ever get them back.

As a man dealing with a wife who has pretty much abandoned him and is living in limbo, I would say follow these rules:

0) Be open. If you go on a date tell the wife. Also, let the date know your situation and that you aren't available for more than casual dating.

1) No sex. It will just drive you and your date mad until your situation is finalized.

Good article. Very good advice.

Why restrict it to married men? Married women cheat too, perhaps as often or more so. Though perhaps the 10 reasons would be different.

well wht do i say m involved with a married man . He is 51 and m 30. He is separated from his wife stays with me always . only goes home to give money to the house . He says its impossible to get the divorce done as catholic churches dunt allow.

I have been in love with a married man for almost 10 YEARS. We met on a chat line when I was separated and lonely. He was on and off with his wife and experiencing enormous amounts of stress regarding his business. When he was traveling for the business, we were there for each other, just chatting on the phone, sometimes until dawn. After 5 years we decided to meet. It was the most difficult thing I ever did. I was so confused and guilt ridden. He told me, "(he) was looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with and he hoped that person was me". The "affair" in person lasted for 2 1/2 months. He ended it, saying I reminded him of his wife and I was a lot older than he thought I would be. Meanwhile he is 7 years older than I am and his wife is 8 years older than him, lol. We had a 3 1/2 year period where we didn't speak.

Then he contacted me and things ALMOST started back up again. Thankfully, after he declared in no uncertain terms that he was "staying married for a variety of reasons", I realized this man would only be a friend. It was truly awful and painful and I too, have wasted the best years of my life.

My advise to any woman contemplating or on the verge of this kind of disingenuous relationship is, don't think that it will not affect you for the rest of your life. You are worth so much more. Take care and be strong!!!

This really should be called "10 Reasons to Not Date a Liar". As other commenters pointed out, sometimes a man is legally married but emotionally separated. Also, a new generation is realizing that monogamy doesn't work for everyone; extramarital relationships can absolutely include commitment and healthy emotional support, as long as everyone involved is being honest.

This list really points at dishonesty and inequality, which are huge red flags in any relationship. Just as you should never date someone who won't tell his wife about you, so should you never seriously date someone who won't tell his mother or friends about you. Also, what's good for the gander is good for the goose: if he has a wife, he should not deny you the right to date other people. If you're falling in love, you may not want to actually date someone else, but you can surely test his capacity for jealous rage by telling him that you're going out to dinner with a man you're attracted to. If he forbids it or becomes angry or noncommunicative, you have every reason and right to DTMFA.

Im a married man and have "dated" single women just for sex for years. As for my experience: Some women like the adrenaline, others are very lonely, it doesn't matter how many shrinks they see to get over guilt, or workout hours to get in the best possible shape, they're usually attractive succeful but lonely women that go from one married man to another or stand-by for decades, and there's nothing anybody (shrinks, religion, government, etc) can do about it.
I'm SURE and POSITIVE that if it wasn't for guys like myself these women will get to the graveyard with an empty existence.
God is fair, everyone has as deserved! So if you girls don't find a quiet single to "put-up and shut-up" with your recreational manners or you don't have the guts and patience to reach out for single men, then its either "giving your best years" to "somebody" or to NOBODY (yeap, rot in your bed and work until you're 70 then retire some place nice to get rotten and die).

i think the person who wrote the comment before mine is sick... and i *truly* feel sorry for him. a person with no moral values like him does not deserve anything.

i'm 25 yrs of age dating this married man, we never had sex we've been together for about 5 months now the main thing is i dont think i'm the only one hi's cheating his wife with so how will i know or should i just back off forget about him and move on with my life or should i just pretend as if i dont see nothing i realy dont know what to anymore i do love him but i just cant take it anymore i just think he's using this thing thing of me loving him as a worpon to short me back please tell me what should i do

Great tips! Married men should really know better than to cheat on their wives. I always say, if you don't think you can commit to a relationship, don't get married in the first place. And even if you do, do not give birth to children. How irresponsible can you be running behind other women when you have children to raise of your own??

DON'T DO IT, THE POWER OF SAYING NO AND GOODBYE. DISCIPLINE AND TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF LADIES...YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Some men will say absolutely anything for that immediate sex gratification, it reminds of heroin junkies and what one goes through for a drink or a cigarette in dire straights. Its an illness and indeed you can ruin your life.

For the ladies...don't do it. It is nothing but misery. Your self esteem will be destroyed.

I meant to add more to the previous., I just ended a 10 year relationship with a married man and although is difficult for the moment since it is hard to get over him I believe I did the right thing.

I am glad you ended the 10 year affair, I hope the next 10 years will be romantically happy for you, that you get want you want. Don't look back, its a good lesson learned. i wasn't with a married man for 10 years but my last decade was lonely and very tough, but I made it.

This is for the married man who made a comment Sept 4, this column is not for you. Your rude remarks are not wanted here. Your feedback did not add anything constructive.

i met a married man recently. we really get on well, and seem to 'click'.
i truly believe that sometimes two people marry, and many years later may be in a sitution not brought on by them or you...but a chance meeting outside there marriage. someone who they get on well with and maybe even more so than the wife, or husband. sometimes you marry an individual, and truly realize there may have been someone else you were meant to be with. as long as you dont act on it, and keep your sh1t in check, feelings are feelings, and no one should feel guilt for the way they feel, only for the way they deal with the feelings.

Hi there! I'm the "Sept4 Married Man", some controversy here, ok here's my answer to:

1. Anonymous on September 14: I do have values but their just different than yours (and I'm not the only one who shares them). I might "not deserve anything" from your perspective, but believe me I'm probably getting more than anybody in their lives. Don't go around feeling sorry for others that usually reflects Your Own Self-Esteem.

2. Anonymous on October 6: You want something constructive read again my comment and EITHER: A) stay out of that profile, grab your own luck by the horns and stop self flagellating (Truth is "rude", only Lies are "soft"), OR B) Enjoy life as it comes, and please do remember you only live once.

3. "Sucidal" Anonymous on October 11: Sucide is proably WORST than cheating or being "the other" all together. Its like if want a turkey, but you only get chiken and you say: No thanks! I think I'll eat shit instead! I advise you to take the chiken.

4. "I agree" Anonymous on October 11: Make your brains grow and make a point in your answers, nobody dates "I agree" people, they die lonely. Even the cheater, the cheated or the other have more brains than that.

5. To add more fuel to the fire: Saying that women cheat too and more than men its a cheap line, so I'll just bring to your attention that not all cheaters are liars they just don't usually tell the whole truth and WOMEN don't usually ask the right questions or skip them on pourpose. By all means DO "date" married man if that's what life gives, you'll remember it all life long!!, BUT do NOT fall in love with a married man unless you are sure of who you are, what you're getting into and a safe way back to you ego.

i am dating a married man for the past 3 years. he says he can not leave his children because they are still very young. she has threaten him to take everything away from him. she also says that he will not be allowed to see his children. i dont know if i should end this or keep on waiting for him. he says that i am the best thing that has happened to him. he has left him home a couple of times and she has denied visitation. should i really belive that he will leave one day and stay with me? HELP!

I am 32 and I am currently seperated and have found myself involved with a married man. This happened by mistake we knew eachother casualy but then something happened and something changed and here we are together. I know that he won't leave his wife and for the time being I am still leagaly married so therefor getting involve in a serious relationship with someone sigle is not a possibility at the moment. I will say this that he was upfront and honest that he has no plans to leave her. He has also treated me better than anyone else i have ever been with. He makes it a point to see me as often as he can which is alot i see him at least 4-5 days a week. Granted he can not always stay the night and that is the part that i miss. He doesn't want me to see anyone else so therefor he tries to keep me as happy as he can so that i don't want to see anyone else. He makes sure that we take trips together so that we can go out and be a couple without anyone seeing us to get caught. I am not going to say that dating a married man is right or worng.

I think that it is wrong since as a woman i would hate to have someone cheat on me. That raises the question if you were to become involved in a committed relationship and he DID leave his wife would he cheat on you down the road? HMMM I wonder what the answer would be to that one?

I think that being with a married man lets you enjoy things in life with a man that you might have not experienced with out the commitment part of it. Married men are amazing in bed since they don't get that much at home is usually why they stray and they couldn't dare have a younger woman thinking they were anything less in bed.

So i guess it is to each is own. For now for me i think it is what i need to not be lonely but when i am ready for a true relationship this will not be the one that i hold on to.

Hello

This has made some interesting reading. I am confused right now, my wife left me a while ago now, and of course I have been getting on with my own life ever since. I am still technically married, and just seperated, there isnt any posibility of me and the missus getting back together as we both have different veiws on life (one of us doesnt want kids, and the other does) I have met a few women, and have this desire to fill the empty space in my life, and I seem to have met someone I am very fond of, and we seem to get on well together all though there is a sizable age gap (natrually she is younger, how sad is that?). We havnt started a relationship at all yet, but we have been texting alot, and calling each other, and just seem to hit it off well and have fun. I know eventually I will probbably end up divorced from my wife, but I am so confused and i just dont know what to do, i really like her.

I been in relationship for 3 years with a married man. I'm 27 years old, have 2 kids, he has 1. He was my manager at my jobs. I finally left the company becuase there were alot of problems. I love him so much. My heart tells me I love him too much don't ever leave him. The best is yet to come. Then my mind tells me you can do so much better, you are worth so much more leave his ass. I 've tried recently but the next day I gave in, and we got back together. He helps with the bills, and etc. I want to get married, and I want another baby. He can't do neither one. We are very close traveled the world these past years. We see each other 4 days a week......He's like my best-friend. He begged me not to leave him ever. How do I move on really? Do i meet someone first and see how it goes then leave him. I love security, and comfort and time, if I know I have someone that will be with me and respect me having 2 kids the bills and etc, then I will leave him in a heart beat....HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hindsight,etc...! I had a friend who went through this nightmare! Finally,by the grace of God,she broke off the relationship.Guess what! The guy had a new fling within a month!

I would say that this is a commonsense list; but, after reading the comments, I guess I'm wrong. In my younger years, I did pursue married men. At the time I was ignorant and didn't take their families' feelings into consideration. Now that I'm older, all I can think about is the damage that an extramarital affair can cause. Maybe reflecting on that can help others in similar situations.

I think anyone who would engage in a true relationship with a married man has some serious esteem issues. That being said, the points you hit in in this blog post are right on. It all boils down to one main concept, though: if he were such a great catch why's he sliming around on his family?

Agree.

Very well said Dr. Mark. A lot of women need to read this article. I have never dated a married man but have had acquaintances who have and I preached the same words to them before ending our friendship because of the difference in opinions. I always tell my friends that if a man will cheat on his wife, he'll do the same to them, but for some reason they don't believe this. All the facts you stated are TRUE facts. I still say they are home wreckers because unless a woman isn't aware a man she is dating is married (the signs are very obvious) then she knows she can destroy a family so I put the blame on both parties equally. Yes, time is too precious to waste and most do that chasing false promises such as he will divorce his wife, etc...etc. I hope this article gets read by those who really need to apply it to their lives. Thanks for writing it!

Wonderful points and all true. I just think it is sad that it had to be broken down for people. You just don't do it. PERIOD

Good advice! i was just informed by my boyfriend now that he is still married but has been seperated from his wife for over a year now.. and he doesnt want to divorce her til she pays him the money she owes him... needless to say... Im breaking up with him very very soon... Thanks!

women who date married men betray not only themselves but other women. as a feminist, I wouldn't consider doing that to another woman. Women who date married men smack of desperation. the same goes for men who dat married women. EEEEEEW!

My husband left me and my two children after 12 years of marriage to move in with his girlfriend. No separation period to adjust. He just walked in one day and told me he was moving out and within a week he was living with his girlfriend. The pain that I and my children have experienced is indescribable. I did not sleep for abut 6 months. The children did not want to see him for years. The relationship with the girlfriend ended. Perhaps he woke up and realized that she was desperate white trash. Perhaps she woke up and realized he was spineless and selfish.
The moral of the story I guess is that even though in this case, my husband did leave me for his girlfriend, a relationship that starts in a deceitful, desperate manner does not have a strong foundation. Even if he or she does leave the spouse, these deceitful relationships rarely work.

This article will be good for a friend of mine. It is a concise and well written list of the down-side. I have always seen it as such a "lose/lose" situation, but this will be helpful to some who many not have the ability to look ahead to the heartbreak that is sure to come.

I think all women who are willing to date a married man in hopes of him leaving his wife should read this article. I never could understand why a woman would allow herself to willingly be a part of something that is unmoral and think that it is something proper to do. It is a shame that this day in age people have to be told these things. Most of us would think it is common sense but I guess it is not.

It's a sad reality that there are many women out there who are dating married men, whatever reason there may be. Although it may be difficult to break up with a man you love, it's important to know that if he really loves you, then he would break up his other relationship and put you first. There should not have to be a blog like this, but it's sad that this is necessary for some people to read.

women who dat married men are desperate.

I personally cannot understand why women would choose to date married men, when there are perfectly good single guys out there.

Dating a married man is a dead end road! Good article!

Dating a married man is not a crime remember men are fewer in number than women i.e. The world has not produced enough men so that one man one woman.

I have so many contradictory opinions on this, I feel like Cybil.

I met my husband (soon to be ex) while he was still married... gave me the whole line of divorcing his wife soon, blah blah blah. He did finally divorce her, but only after years of going back and forth between the two of us, lying to both of us, sleeping with someone else (!) at the same time, and his wife finally filing the papers. I was stupid, young, and naive enough to think that since I was the one he was cheating on her With, that surely it wouldn't be that way with me. I took his word for it that it was due to how bad that relationship was. After 8 years of trying everything I could to make my marriage work, a close relative finally said to me, "Staying in a relationship that is making you miserable is not a noble act. It's okay to leave." Today, I'm 6 months into a divorce. After his 6 0r 7 episodes of cheating - one being his best friends wife and one being my Mother! - I had enough. It wasn't that his first marriage was so bad that he just wanted a way out, it was (for him) the thrill of the act itself. Not to mention being a full blown slut.

On the other hand, I have also cheated. All 3 situations were brief, sexually based, and very intense. The last time, I talked myself into falling in love with someone so I could find the nerve to finally divorce my husband. (We did not get physically involved until months later.) The funny thing is that every time I cheated, I would feel so guilty that I would immediately tell my husband! I just could not cheat And lie. The bottom line was that I was unhappy - emotionally. He didn't cause that "feet on cloud 9" feeling anymore. And I've always said, if someone is unhappy enough to cheat, they need to get out of the relationship. I figure if you cheat, something is wrong.

Now, to get to the topic of the article, which is dating married men, not cheating (thank you for your patience)...
I'm currently "dating" a married man. I use the word dating hesitantly, because really we are a particular sort of "Buddies", if you know what I mean. We have no "real" life together - I don't call after 5:30 or on weekends, and he shows up every day during the week. He's told me stright out he hasn't been with anyone other than his wife for about 10 years, so he's not a compulsive cheater. I guess his marriage is awful and they stay together for the kids. They barely have sex. He told me openly that he has a wife, he's not looking for another. I told him openly that I just got rid of my ball and chain, I'm not looking to be tied down. We both know it will stop eventually. There won't be any broken heart, though, just an empty place in the bed and plenty of fantasy material down the road.

Go into it with your eyes open is my advice. See it for what it is and guard your heart. If he treats her that way, Why would you think he;d treat you differently?

What he does with you, he will do to you. Married men who cheat are spineless. When you date a married man, watch how he treats his wife and children because that is how he will treat you when the love high wears off. Karma's a bitch.