Yeah, but if someone in this triangle is being lied to, then it is an unhealthy situation.

If the marriage is open and everyone knows about everyone else and what they do, and safe sex is practiced, then, that would fall under "polyamory" -- but if a spouse is being deceived, and there is a lot of sneaking around, and partners or children feel neglected, with negative emotions being generated from (or by) any associated party -- then it is not a good situation and should be ended or adjusted, one way or another.

Other wise, if someone comes up with an STD or a pregnancy, someone might have a lot of explaining to do. Someone is going to get hurt if it's all a big secret. The sooner it's out in the open, the more time the spouse has to deal with emotions of betrayal and neglect, recover from it, and find someone who may be more compatible. It's a courtesy to the offended partner.

If it's not out in the open, that's why they call it "cheating."

Oh, if children are involved you best leave well enough alone, honey. That's a powerful kind of love.

Cool... So, what about 2 people in happy, loving, committed relationships (1 married, 1 not). Niether was looking for anyone, but they met & connected so well.
Niether has any plans to leave their partners, or wishes vise versa.
So now, we're mutually wondering "what are we suppossed to do now" - as the game grows more fun everyday & the feelings get stronger.
I have a lot of love to give & I don't feel guilty about anything.
I searched "why not to get involved w/ a married man" to see if someone could convince me otherwise.
Sensible advice is welcome, please.

My advice ... don't get involved. In the end you only wind up lonely, angry and hurt! Im ending my 1 1/2 relationship with a married man and I have to say it was harder than breaking it off with my last boyfriend.

I have been meeting with a married man in nyc for the past month. We have not talked about sex and he never mentions his wife. But compliments me all the time, and flirts alot. I know there is something unspoken, but maybe he is confused also about what to do. We have a 20 year age difference and our current relationship is he is like a mentor. The wierd thing is he always takes me to expensive restaurants and we drink. I dont know what will happen, but i do depend on him because he is helping me work-related. It is VERY hard to ignore the attraction. But I know I have to because in the end i will be hurt 100%

i had an affair with a married man for 3 years. i was married as well, we had known eachother from work. after the first year i left my husband for him. When my husband found out , he told my lover's wife, and they began to work on the marriage, i was heartbroken. tragically my husband was killed in a car accident, and in my grief, the relationship started again. For another year and a half i had to hear lie after lie "im going to leave, just a little more time." i should have left then, but he was a physician, and took care of me somewhat financially. He finally divorced 2.5 years after the affair started, but i found out he was still texting his ex wife, "i miss you, i love you". I should have known since i felt he was still hiding me from her, even though they had been divorced 3 months. the bottom line is i hurt a lot of people, including his wife, who did not deserve it. and just because he divorces you, if he ever does, does not mean you will end up together. take it from me, my lover divorced his wife, and we still didnt end up together. you ask who ended it? me, i could not take it anymore, the relationship had drained me, and what was left of me was this miserable, bitter person. he had hurt me so much from all the lies and bs, that i could not be with him anymore. i miss him very much. it was not worth it, and what is left for me, only guilt. in the end, no one wins...

My husband and I are in recovery for about six months now, prior to this he had a 4 month affair. We have been married for 16yrs, age 40, 3 children. We did get caught up in the mom and dad thing, the stress of everyday life, that we forgot to stop and admir e eachother. My husband say's he liked the way she made him feel, telling him what a great guy he was, thinking of him all the time, 1 month into the affair, he thought he was falling in love with her, by the third month he started to wake from what they call emotional impairment. He had told her a lot of lies about me, but started to wonder, Does she have any commen sense, Doesn't she know I have said nothing bad about me, I have blamed it all on my wife, there is always two sides to the story. He knew he was not going to leave me for her, but thought our marriage was over because of what he did, but still did not want her either, He came to me, told me and asked could I ever forgive him. Look girls, all you are doing by dating married men is attempting to be part of destroying many lives, its selflessness, and all you are saying to the man is, when we hit hard times, it is ok for you to seek the arms of another, and he will. the wife is #1 and you are #2, he knows you know this deep down, and does not respect you.
Things my husband told her, We hardly ever have sex, and he didn't want too, but was afraid if he refused me, I would find out, guess what, we were having sex and it was good.
He didn't love me anymore, and never says it, cmon, if this was true, I would have been following him everywhere, yes he was telling me he loved me everyday, and kissing me goodbye on his way to work every morning. married men and women are already commited, please do not go there. Put yourself in the spouses shoes, I have the strech marks from his children, 16yrs of hard work. Find a man who is capable of loving you, not telling you, one who can be with you freely, My husband has told me, that what kept him in it for the 4mo's, was it was a world away from reallity, he didn't have the stress of everyday life in the affair, if he would have, it would have felt like just another day, GOD BLESS.

I am dating a marreid man 2 1/2 years now.I love him so much with all my heart.He wants to be with me have kids.But he want leave hes wife,he wants to be with me and her.This relationship is very very paiful and it can be very sad.I walked out on him ones i left him,but still we got back.We do fight a lot and we do have good times sometimes.It is really hard i really do want to end this i dont no wats stoping me its very hard because i love him so
I have to move on with my life im still young 24 years old
its very hard for me i need help or talk to some one.
HELP

What about the woman! The one he's married to maybe? Is she not a reason? Morals?

Listen all, I believe no one is perfect. 80 percent of married women was involved with a married man before they become a first lady... lol. Its a recycle thing. What a life!!!

Very well said Anonymous on March 15! On all accounts! I wonder if MM Sept4th's wife DOES knows : ? and what she might feel about his "penis issue"

Weak defense!

To all on this website regarding September 4th, 2008, THIS IS EXACTLY WHY NOT TO GET INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED INDIVIDUAL!!! THEY ARE PERFECTLY HEARTLESS AND ONLY THINKING OF THEMSELVES!!!!!!!

My husband left me and my children for a woman he met online and moved in with her and her children after talking over the net 3 weeks. Neither one of them gets the Parent of the Year Award, but for some reason I look down on her the most. There is no excuse for any woman to lower herslf to a point where she accepts such a poor environment let alone drag the children along as well. I have taken more then half of his income (thank the Lord)and all she has is a deadbeat with no money. That should be a point on this list...Married/Divorce Men are broke.

Dream on. Its probably over already. Reltionships need to be built on solid ground...not sand.

Okay, maybe you need to read the 10 reasons again and again and again until you get it.

I agree, I am 25 and in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for the past 5 years plus and we have a child together, we are not yet married but it was our intention in the beginning. Things have changed so much that I don't think i can see myself married to him.

About a month ago a married guy with two kids came into my life, he is handsome, sensitive, loving and has everything a woman can ever want. I was actually considering dating him secretly but after reading your article my mind has suddenly changed. Why should i give up my five years of hard work with someone i fell in love with for someone who is married and won't commit to me.

Thanks for the advice.

Wise, wise words...unless you enjoy second-guessing yourself and
feeling like hell 80% of the time. RUN, RUN as fast as you can.

Hi ive been dateing a married man for two years and he has told me that he will leave his wife after the kids go to college what should i do?

I was in a relationship with a very beautiful, married man. I loved him in every way possible, I still love him. But he did me so wrong, he said he needed time apart then when we had it and came back things were cool for 4 days. He gave my key back and called me into tears. He lies so much and forgets about it. I lied once and no were over. I did nothing but love this man everyday of my life. We even got caught by his wife and the relationship lasted for months afterwards, he always keeps coming back, but I don't know if he will this time. I know I should stay away from him, but he means so much to me. I loved this man more than any other man I've ever been with. Everything about him was so good, except for his lies. I loved this man so much. I just want my fairytale ending with him, but it probably won't happen. I'm so sad and my feelings are hurt and he probably isn't feeling a thing.

There is never a good reason to date a married man. Don't do it! But with that send, yes I am currently dating a married man. The truth is I was also married when we started cheating with each other. It was not our intention. We were both just so unhappy in our marriages and even though we tried not to cross that line, we did. That was four years ago. We are still together. I am divorced. He has been separated from his wife for 8 months and is planning on filing. When...who knows... Soon I hope. It is hard. But I keep telling myself, I knew he was married when I got involved with him. I do believe that a divorce is in his future and then we will finally be together. No more keeping it a secret. No more feeling like his dirtly little secret.

Again, I am not proud of what we did but this might just be one story that works out.

My daughter married her highschool boyfriend after graduating high school.They moved away and had a child. Both of them cheated on each other I don't know who did it first but two wrongs don't make it right. I watched the marriage fall apart she moved back home with there daughter. Both families wanted so much for them to mend there relationship unforgiviness on her part resulted into his resentment for her. My daughter kept on saying she wanted a divorce. I tried and his family also to advise her to think of the child and how she would be affected. I know she was acting out from guilt and hurt.While they were seperated they went to counseling with no avail. He meet a girl from his job and they developed a relationship. My daughter knew of the relationship but I guess she felt they may eventually get back together as they were talking about it well time passed the girl became pregnant.He eventually filed for divorce. It devistated my daughter he didn't tell about the pregnancy she happen to look on a web page and saw the girl was 8 months pregnant.Needless to say my daughter was devistated. We witnessed her endure much pain around the situation. He and the girlfriend live together along with there son. My daughters child visits every other weekend. They try to communicate civil but there is always an issue.It is a difficult situation because he daughter seems t obe getting the raw deal but it's good to hear of others who have endured the same. Parent trying to console her daughter

i do have one thing to say - i was wrong for getting involved with a married man. I actually believed him when he said he was seperated and when i realized he really wasn't i was so deep in the relationship i didn't think enough of myself to get out. well the purpose of this email is to apologize to all of the women who's husbands have been unfaithful to them. i have also been on that end and it hurt so so bad. so again to all the married women - I apolize for myself and the others that have hurt you. it is wrong and it is so painful.......everyone of us need to believe more in ourselves, we are beautiful women that deserve the very best. that also goes for the men that have been cheated on.....

i have been reading everyones responses and it has helped me tremendously. obviousely i have the same problem as most you have had. i ran into an old friend 2 1/2 years ago, he had told me that he was seperated - why did i think that it gave me the ok to date him, i should no better. i had been married before so i honestly believed that seperation meant divorce just like it did for me, i can't believe i was that naive. my ex husband had an affair for 3 years before he divorced me - so i would have never thought i would date a married man. anyway i broke it off with him for the 20th time a week and a half ago. after sending an email telling him how much he has touched my life and how i love him - i realize when will i grow up - i'm 44 years old. when will i give myself more credit and respect that i deserve. so forgetting the relationship what i want to know is how do i get my self worth back...i feel like this relatioship has kicked me in my heart so many times. i keep blaming myself - i wasn't good enough, or i didn't do the right things, i actually feel as if i am going crazy, trying to figure out what went wrong, what did i do wrong, when none of this is my fault other than i should have never particiapted in something so wrong - but he lied to me and continued to lie to me and now i feel so completely terrible so let down so worn out - so unworthy. as if he is so much better than me and i am a no body. he has money and is very well known and his job is everything that i love - what i have a passion for, so i wanted to be every part of him...i know this isn't making sense..but i'm so lost and hurt and i want all of your advise how do i stop blaming myself.

I've just finsished a relationship with a MM after 5 months. I entered into it for what I thought would be just a bit of fun as I didn't want a serious relationship. However, It quickly turned into something more than this and I soon realised I was out of my depth.
I convinced myself I could handle being the other woman but in reality it was something I could never do. I couldn't trust him, I felt guilty all the time and resentful that he was in effect getting 'the best of both worlds', on the surface appearing to everyone as a devoted and loving husband and father. Meanwhile, I had to lie to family about being single and listen to my friends (justified) disapproval of what I was doing.
Yes, there were some good times, but these were far outweighed by the bad times, the tears and heartache, seeing him for a measly 3 hours most weeks. I knew that I had to end it and did so last week.It's been a tough week, but I know that I was responsible for getting myself into the situation in the first place and so will have to get through it and out the other side again somehow too.
I just want to say that whilst I should never have entered into this in the first place, I feel good deep down knowing I had the strength to end it. Anyone else in the same situation right now: you can end it and get over it. I know it's going to take some time but it can be done.
Also, great article by Dr Mark - have saved it to my favourites so during times when I'm upset, wondering if perhaps I could handle the situation after all, I read and re-read it and start to feel strong again and more certain than ever that I have made the right decision.

one word woman ,never date a married men ,the all want there cake and eat it to ,bad married men ,make us single woman ,love them ,and live us ,bad bad bda ,one mistek ,i am paying for loveing him ,,no married man ladys plsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Married Man Sept 4th, you sure don't think much of yourself do you? I have to wonder if your one of the three married men that lied to me when I asked them if they were married? Lying by ommission is still a lie, and that is the cold hard truth. So unless you are telling your wife that your out having sex with another woman, you are lying to her. You are also lying to the woman your having sex with if you don't tell her your married and just want to have sex with her. But the biggest lie that is done by ommission is the lie you tell yourself everyday when you think your doing women a favor. I like to call it a "penis issue".
The word "dating" when used with a married man is laughable. You can not date a married man. Cheating has nothing to do with love, nothing! Most of the men that cheat want SEX!!! They are obviously not happy in their marriage or they wouldn't be cheating in the first place. They are just too chicken to get out of the marriage. So unless he is in an open marriage and he takes you out in public amongest his friends introducing you as his date or girlfriend, you are not dating. You may be sexually flirting, you may be chat or text sexting or you may be just doing it. But you are not "dating".
Even if you do manage to catch the married man, you will not live happily ever after. Just because you were the push he needed to leave his marriage does not mean you are what he needs once out of the marriage. If you are now with a married man and you have doubt, get out now! Don't walk but run. Because unless you can put a large round ball into a small square hole, it won't work. It will only be a struggle, like putting that ball into that hole.
Now there is one subject that MM Sept4 and I do agree on. Do not fall in love with a married man. However we differ on the sex aspect. If you have good values, morals and you respect yourself you won't even think of having sex with a married man. But if you don't have all three of those qualities get a vibrator until you find them in yourself. Without them you may end up being the wife of someone like Sept4.
And don't worry about being lonely and never finding Mr right. Having sex does not take lonliness away it only soothes it for a short time. And being with a married man is the lonliest feeling ever. "I would rather be alone and lonely than with someone and all alone". You will live a very happy existence with the three qualities listed above be it with a man in your life or by yourself. Just make sure that the married man you are with...is your husband.

Definitely good points to consider, BUT I would disagree that there are no positive reasons for dating a married man. In fact, there are two.
1. NSA (no strings attached) sex
2. Safe sex (mostly true)

1. SEX. If you are self reflective and aware enough to be able say, "This is all I want", then this IS the biggest perk with a married man. The sex is GREAT! And I speak from personal experience. If you are a woman who wants this need fulfilled but do not want the hassle of a relationship, this is a great situation. It DOES work in this case, but you have to be honest about the kind of woman you are.

2. Safe sex. This is for the long-term affairs, which is the one I'm in. Most often, a married man is having sex with his mistress because he is not getting enough at home. Or, not the kind he wants. Or he and his wife are in a slump and his needs are being ignored. So mostly, the sex will be with you and with his wife....especially if you are with a successful and busy man, which I recommend. Of course there are married "player", but if you use your judgement, you can steer clear of those just like you can steer clear of the unmarried players. DO be aware of his wife's potential side action if you aren't using condoms, because if he's still with her which he usually will be, and she is having an affair too, then you have to deal with who she is bedding. Usually however, you are pretty safe. I find that appealing because I consider myself a monogamous long-termer....whether it be my own relationship or as a mistress. Safety is key for me!

So if you are wanting good, safe sex, the married man who is pursuing you is great. And if you keep yourself as coming from that place, it actually instills great respect from your married man. You can require respect without requiring a commitment! You will NOT get respect if you compromising yourself the accept less from him when you actually want more. But if you are getting what you want, he will know it, and he'll appreciate it. So make sure you ARE getting what you want and wanting what you get. In truth, few woman can do it, but those of us that can are quite content!

we think the mm 'loves' us..that is..until his wife finds out. watch how fast he separates himself from you..it'll make your head spin.

Great thread! I've enjoyed reading it. I was approached by a married man, and he's upset because I'm leaving the swimming club, to go to another club. Sad to say that he was nice to me when I was leaving my ex, was supportive on many fronts as a friend, but I see no future in letting him get closer to me. I'm under no illusion that someone else will eventually catch his interest, and I'll be forgotten. I prefer to leave instead of being pursued. Thank you everybody for posting :-) I've particularly read with keen interest why some women fall for married men. Now I know why he caught my eyes, but I prefer a single man. :-)

WOW! how true is that?! I agree most definately. It is a dog-eat-dog out there in the world of dating. I am single 39 yo female and have strong physical feelings for a married man but I am also interested in a single, divorced man who I made very clearly that I am attracted to him but not sure if he feels the same other than an occasional hook-up. I have never been married, in a long distance relationship for a very long time and believe me, EVERYBODY cheats; not just married men/women. There is always a justifiable reason (for that individual) to cheat. To each his own.

Good points but as some of the replies show people just do not except it.

I can not agree more! I try to explain to my friends all the time that married men are nothing but trouble but for some reason young women find themselves so in love with them. I really like reason number 7 because many woman don't like to accept the fact that they are just as guilty as the man.

Getting involved with a married man is just plain stupid. It's dishonest and it does end in a broken heart. Saying that you can go into it with open eyes and no one will get hurt is just wrong. What about the wife? Shes the innocent party and she will definetely be hurt. Good blog.

i would hope that no one would take up this practice anyway. but if they do, here is a good story on why not to.

This a great article, but I'd also like to see an article giving men 10 reason not to marry women they can't be faithful too. Most of the men I know are not happily married, in fact many don't even like their wives let on love them. If a man has comfort, financial security, sex on a regular he will tolerate his wife and never leave her.......love has nothing to do with it.....and that's tragic because love should have everything to do with it.

Any woman who is smart would never go for a married man.But we often come across married men saying "I'm in love". As the author says he is just not reliable. When he is ready to ditch his wife how long he would take to do the same to you when the honey moon is over.

These are great points out there.I am particularly happy that these points are given by a man. This will help women to understand men better.

A lot of women need to hear these reasons-it seems so obvious, but throw the word 'love' around and they kid themselves he's gonna leave his wife as soon as her mother gets out of the hospital. Infidelity is a sad reality of our society.

Great points. It never ends well when a relationship begins and one person is already married!

I love the eye-openers, especially coming from a man! It really surprises me to see how many have actully found themselves in this position, though. It's just so obviously not a long-term thing! But I can see the "use him, send him home" aspect - imagine no more picking up after him when you share that home!

I agree with this blog. I was seperated when I met my current fiance. I guess there is a big difference between seperated and currently married. I only committed to one person and soon after I met him (a week or two) finialized the divorce. So speaking from that perspective, if they are with two people at once... forget it!

Great advice! I've seen so many women fall for married or otherwise involved men and get strung along for YEARS. And they always end up the one alone. I'm bookmarking this. Thank you for the clear and succinct points!

fiscusj5, if your boyfriend is actually separated from his wife and they're not going to be reconciled, there's no problem. Divorce can take a long time, but a marriage in name only is no marriage at all. I say this having been separated from my wife for two years (the length of time needed for a no fault divorce in the UK).

Tara,
It sounds like you're involved with a married man.
EEEEEEWWWW.

i've read most of the comments here and have found them both funny and eye opening. i came to this site looking for answers because, yes, i am dating a married man. when i 1st met him, he didnt tell me he was married. i found out when he ended up in hospital with a throat infection and since i was out of the country, i asked my sister and fnds to check up on him and take him flowers which i had sent them money for. turns out one of my fnds even works with his wife.
anyway, he came clean and we decided to give things a go. their situation is more complicated because they have 2 children, both of whom are special needs children. adorable as they may be, i spent 1 week with them and in addition to having to clean up after them and deal with alot which i cant get into right now, i really like them. they are adorable and we formed a bond with them.
the strange thing is that 1 week was not that great for us as a couple. there was no romance between us and he did make it clear that i was not his priority, they were. bitter pill to swallow which brings me to this site because i'm wondering what to do now that i am back home and alone with my thoughts.
he has also made it clear that he wants to marry me and has introduced me to his mum and his sibblings.
thing is, is this what i want for my life? i am still young and beautiful in my eyes and still quite eligible. i have no kids and actually changed diapers for the 1st time in my life with his kids. they are quite a handful and i wonder if this is the kind of relationship i want especially since i will always be 2nd/3rd (after his mum).
i am at that point where i need to make a decision and either stay for life or move back in with my mum since i left my well paying to come back to the country and develop this relationship. both sides of that coin dont look that great since he really is a great guy and i have strong feelings for him. he has asked me to recommend a lawyer to help with his divorce since i have contacts in the legal fraternity so i believe he is serious about getting divorced but i ask again, is this really worth it? and with everything i have read here, will he do the same to me once his kids are grown and independent and i have brought them up? these are the questions i am battling with tonight as i write this.
thank u to everyone who took the time to read this and write a response . i really appreciate it.

I was dating a married man and was delighted when he told me that he was going to leave his wife and live with me. I then lived with a man who was going through an acrimonious divorce where his wife hired a ferocious attorney and wound up taking most of the wealth they had accumulated during their marriage. The stress proved to be too much for our relationship and it ended shortly after.

This is a maried man with children, so the one should pull off is you despite how much he love you. Whatever is not right just not right. If you keep on relationship until illegitimate child exist, the one who suffer is not only you and you child but also you are breaking up other family for you own prosperous, do you want to be a person with guilt for your whole life of doing this just for what so call true love. For that i rather be a society helper helping people instead of hurting people.

you are doning something no right. Are you happy with your situation now. Do you know you are breaking someone heart and family for your own love. /try to have love that not to the extent hurting and break other family remember. Even whatever reason you give we will not stand for you

Crazy about of people pouring out their hearts here. Insane.

It seems that people date married men for a few reasons:
- unobtainable love (they like the chase)
- low self-esteem (they like the guilt)
- sex (they like the b'donka donk)

Married men also cheat for their own reasons:
- passive aggressive (they want to leave but can't confront it themselves)
- high expectations (they like the spark and flame)
- sex (they too, like the b'donka donk)

It seems the article by this doctor immediately contradicts himself though - " There are no positive reasons for dating a married man. Even the good reasons don't stand the test of time and turn out to be bad ideas in good ideas' clothing."

Along with it being poorly written (let the editors help you Doctor) it seems there ARE good reasons to cheat with them. Not everyone who cheats (OK, Has sex) with someone who's married is a victim. This doctor is taking that angle immediately on the "helpless victimized women."

The top ten list of "Why Not to Date A Married Man" should have been "What Appeals About Married Men and Why It's Not True" - it gives it more of an empathetic bent instead of this "stay away you poor helpless things!" preaching kind of tone.

I admit the advice is good - and from all the people willing to pour there hearts out here it definitely seems like it's true. But - it's noting they're not saying (either with words or between the lines). OK gift, bad packaging and nothing that hasn't been said before.