I'm too great to be a narrcissist.

Hey, Mark, all kidding aside, this term "narcissist" is used a LOT here in Los Angeles. Maybe too much. Perhaps unsurprisingly, given that Hollywood is ground zero for fantasy ego projections.

But it seems to me that people toss the term around quite liberally without thinking through the full meaning. Can you offer a definition of the term?

Your description above doesn't really provide much clarity. For instance, example #1 doesn't necessarily clarify what a narcissist is (or isn't). There are a lot of reasons why someone might blurt out an idea and thereby interrupt other people. I work in an office where that happens all the time, but I don't consider my colleagues narcissists. They have a lot of ideas. The interruptions are generally worthwhile, and they're always tolerable.

Likewise, I don't think it necessarily means someone is a narcissist if they take offense at getting interrupted. Sometimes, it's just plain rude to interrupt someone else. So getting offended is not such an unreasonable reaction.

In sum, I think it's a little facile to say that someone who reacts in a certain way is an a**hole or whatever. Depending upon the circumstances, the reactions might be perfectly reasonable.

Care to clarify?

RT

So if you don't like to be interrupted, you are a narcissist and an ******* and a *****?

Nobody likes to be interrupted. My point was that if you are someone who interrupts others frequently when they are talking or when they're thinking, but then react with hostility when they do it to you, you are living a double standard and are acting as if you're more important than others and as if others are less important than you.

True narcissists believe the world revolves around them. They haven't the capacity to empathize with others (this is KEY). Self-obsessed, self-involved, exaggerated sense of self-importance. Much like the myth of Narcissus, others exist to serve as mirrors to their "beauty" and "magnificence."

Criticize a narcissist and you'll be treated to a NARCISSISTIC RAGE episode (narcissistic injury). Entitled? You bet. The slightest personal inconvenience unleashes the hounds of hell. You've seen them in lines at the airport.

Narcissists use and manipulate others to get what they want. True narcissists don't see their behavior in this way. Others exist to serve. They are casually cruel and dishonest. They contradict themselves in the same breath, leaving others to feel like they're the crazy person. For example they say or do something hurtful and then deny they said or did it 5 minutes later. "But you just said. . ." "I don't know what you're talking about." Huh?

People can have narcissistic TRAITS and not have full on NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Other personality disorders (e.g., Borderline Personality Disorder, Anti-Social Personality Disorder) share many of the same symptom features.

It's an easy over-simplification to refer to someone who's behaving like an entitled jerk as a "narcissist," but are they really? Maybe they're having a bad day. Maybe they're going through a difficult time and they just suffered one indignity too many. To accurately diagnose someone as a narcissist, you need to observe them over time and in different situations.

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/howto.html

Thank you Tara for supplying the steak to my sizzle as you always do. I appreciate the value added that you add.

And now for a little more sizzle. If you apply your explanation about narcissists and narcissistic rage, could this explain why people are often hesitant to blow the whistle on a narcissist in power (i.e. they have the power to use that rage to really hurt you) or as I like to describe it, declaring that: "The Emperor has no clothes, and no scruples."

Could this also explain why when someone does stand up to that narcissist and doesn't get destroyed, that others start to come out of the woodwork?

And might this explain why formerly pro-Clinton supporters have now started to "vote with their feet" according to their core values and now support Barack Obama, such as Bill Richardson and Robert Reich (and George Stephanopoulos several years back)?

Furthermore might this also explain why nations of the world are no longer hesitating to do whatever they want and risk the ire of the United States, now that the US has been defanged and declawed?

Maybe this comment should be a separate blog: Who are YOU afraid to stand up to?

Great comments Dr G & Tara,
I am interested in finding out what causes a person to be a narcissist. Do either of you provide some insight.
Also I used to work for one and the advice that my shrink gave me to deal with him was to visualize a large wound on his chest and be very thoughtful about what I said so I didn't set him off.

A little narcissism never hurt anybody...actually, I am not condoning people being jerks but rather promoting confidence. Also, there are narcissists all over the world, not just in Los Angeles! I encountered more when I went away to college in the South - way more than growing up here in L.A. Many of the egocentric people in this city moved here and are giving the rest of us a bad name. I run into kind, down-to-Earth, good people every day here - both transplants and natives. And let's not forget, Hollywood and entertainment are only a portion of what it's all about here - there is so much more to life!

I am all for confidence and having strong opinions, I am not for arrogance and being opinionated.
A narcissist needs to be right; a confident person wants to know what's right and then lets that be their true north.

Add Your Comment
Amen!

Well put Dr. Mark! You say it with so much more eloquence than I!

Hello,

A good article, and the comments are even better. I would like to add a few more.

Actually, from what Nancy McWilliams writes in her book, it becomes evident that behind the confidence and arrogance of narcissic persons there lies deep unconscious fear because such people are vulnerable. Hollow as they are, they have no strong moral principles, which makes them look like young children doing whatever they please. Narcissism stems from corrupted upbringing, when parents treat their child not like a human being with personality, but rather like an object that should display certain behaviour to be socially acceptable. The child becomes an object put to display by his/her parents.

Soon the child learns that if he behaves in a certain way he earns his parents' gratitude and respect. However, he does not know or feel why he should behave so and so. This gives birth to a constant feeling of uncertainty and vulnerability.

Gradually the child stops thinking about it and understands that if he is dressed sharp, if he has an expensive car and holds himself like a prime minister, he will almost always win. Here I must note the difference between a narcissic personality and a healthy one. A narciss relies on the outer side of things, his judgments of people are not based on their character or personality, but rather on their looks.

This can be explained. A narcissic person was never taught to see people as human beings, to understand them and share the common morality.

The biggest problem with narcissic personality disorder is that it is very hard to see the hollowness inside such a person under his shell of superficial confidence. Such persons are very unbalanced, and their view of other people very distorted.

While I certainly do not pretend to be a specialist in NPD, I felt a strong urge to talk about it. Thank you guys.

Narcissists love Cleavland Steamers and Donkey Punching your mom too. Those bastards. Aargh.

yes

This was very helpful to me. I am dealing with a sister in law you is a narcissist and it has destroyed my relationship with my brother. I am glad I was able to atleast put a name to her.

at least its not a sister who has managed to destroy an entire family. Sometimes i want to slap her because she behaves like such a b**** and seems to thing that she is the most fantastic thing ever. her favorite activity is going around and saying that every one is an idiot. She is very paranoid too.

there's more to narcissism than being self centered so be careful about titling someone who's generally conceited as a certifiable narcissist.

I dont know why I have this need to write this or be googling narcissism, but here I am....3 weeks ago my narcissistic ex-husband committed suicide..his offical diagnos was bi-polar but as we split up and I got distance from him I realized what a narcissist he was. I didnt expect him to committ suicide,he thought too much of himself, or at least I thought he would take me with him, so right now I feel grateful to be alive. Its a very sad way to end a 30 year relationship. Thanks for listening.....Jane

I just separated 3 weeks ago from my husband and recently relized that he has major narcissistic behavior. We have not spoken in two days when I told him that I think he is a liar and cannot be trusted. He has lost about 3 jobs in the past 1 1/2 years and I have to take the finacial burden while still slaving over him. I finally got tired of it and asked to separate. I get nervous now and again that he may just kill himself although in the past it has never crossed his mind (or so he says), I fear that this separation may start him thinking.

Who controls who in a narcissic relartioship? The narcissist doesn't seem to think that they are overbearing and controling, passing the blame off to the someone elsre to make themselves look like a hero. All the time speaking out both sides of their mouth! Confused? I am.... Talk about mixed signals and emotions. I now relize what has been wrong with my husband, over the years he has remained somewhat in control of his emotions but recently he has just lost it. He is now 45 years old and acting like a selfish 2 year old. Reading about the charector traits of a narcissist was really interesting! Shows no emotion and or feelings for others..Yeah! He always thought people put him on a pedistal, I didnt see it that way but he did, not liking the feeling, or did he? I was the only one who didnt and therefore he is on down the road. I think it is gererational his father is the same way and see how it has come to be passed on....

OMG! I was prepared for a dry, serious text book definition!
Hilarious, with at least a hint of truth.

I was expecting to open up this blog and read something more along the lines of the actual definition of a narcissist. I honestly cannot put together an actual definition of it, so I was hoping this blog would give me some insight. I would not recommend this blog to someone who is looking for a real definition of the word and actual ways to identify if they are being one. However, it was kind of hilarious!!

I agree with Josie Lynn. I was looking at this blog to gather more information about narcissism and what traits someone who is a narcissist has. I was also interested in finding information about narcissitc personality disorder, as I have a client whose father was recently dianosed with this. I understand this is sort of "the lighter side" of narcissism, but it wasn't what I was looking for.

Can people be called Narcissists just because they interrupt others? I thought it meant more than that. First of all, a huge bloated EGO.

I can not believe that this came out of a doctor's "mouth." I came to this blog for real science and advice. What I got was cussing and name calling. I am so disappointed.

Crap! I don't think I like what I just discovered about myself. I do catch myself wanting to interrupt. I think my mind is just going so fast all the time, I don't really listen to what someone else is saying. Thanks for this post, it is blunt, but sometimes that is what is needed. I don't think I am an ***hole though, so that is a relief. lol

So I'm not a narcissist? I find that hard to believe....

These statements kind of confused me. Are they meant to be helpful? How do they define narcissism? Does it really help to be rude and call names?

Well, i guess that about sums me up!

After reading this blog, I guess I'm definately a narcissist. I'm definately number 1, but I have no problem listening to them. I only do it because I have a really good point, and if I don't get it out right then, I have this horrible brain fart. I end up forgetting a great thought, as well as a great point. My friends understand me, and I guess I'm lucky according to this blog. Great blog, and it so made me laugh.

I am a narcissist. That's why I feel the need to comment on your blog. I have nothing super relevant to say but I fell that anything I say is important. Well what can I say? I feel that for some reason my thoughts are important. I know I have no job and didn't go to college and didn't even finish high school, but I have a lot of good ideas!

Dr Mark,
It seems as though people are looking for more professional, well researched information on narcissism. Please recommend some books and/or websites so that we can learn more about how to identify narcissists so that we can avoid them. Also I am sure that those who are involved with narcissists would like information on dealing with them.
Your recommendations would be greatly appreciated. Also if anybody else has any book recommendations, I would welcome those also.
I recently read "disarming the narcissist" by Wendy T. Bahedry and I would certainly recommend it for anybody involved in a relationship with a narcissist.

Your article to me personally doesn't sum up what a narcissist it. Granted it is very rude to interrupt but it doesn't make one a narcissist. Am I a narcissist if we start speaking at the same time? Who interrupted who?

Sir, you are dealing with a real problem with many people, and you seem to be treating it lightly in this blog. If you are going to continue to post do you not think you should get some "meat" or some real valid points besides this slight and not so well thought out opinion?

Thank you for bringing up the subject, now please, educate us on how to actually know, rather then stating something as fact which leads me to think you just were on the brunt end of being interrupted.

I was expecting a real article about the actual personality disorder . . . not 'you're a b**** or assh***." i agree with above comments that it can be a serious thing for those who suffer from it. Calling someone who is a simply a "bit**" narcissistic is a misconception.

Some people are just immature. I don't consider that real narcissism. Maybe socially inept. Once in a while it's necessary to gently interrupt someone who is gong on and on about something to where it's annoying to others.

I think this would depend on the situation. If the person was rudely interupting you than its fine if you get mad. What if the person doesnt allow you to speak at all? Are you a narcissist? Just because you are a narcissist doesnt mean your rude, its not a disease.

As I reading more and more of the doctor's articles I am seriously doubting his education and credentials.

I'm simply defeated by the brevity and absolute idiocy of it. I can't figure out how to answer it. It's as futile as arguing with a delinquent.

Doctor, you sadden me.

Lighten up people. Narcissism is an insiduous mental disturbance that manifests itself uniquely in everyone it touches. Even the DSM has been called into question as to whether the criteria for diagnosos is accurate and complete. Additionally, the very essence of narcissism is deeply roted in denial of reality, nothing is what it appears to be on the surface. Nailing down an accurate diagnosis would take years of continuous observation, because the patterns of similar behavior are the most telling sign. True narcissists are so compartmentalized in thier lives, every person they know sees only whatever spin on reality the narcissist wants them to see, depending on what perception it would be adventageous to the narcissist for that person to have.Even professional counsellors only observe an an hour once a week, while thier patient is on their best behavior. It is very easy for a narcissist to twist the truth during these sessions, misrepresent the circumstances. Narcissism isn't like algebra...follow this formula and you will arrive at the correct answer. Seriously, anyone can have a bad day, where perhaps thier behavior is less than stellar. This in itself doesn't constitute a personality disorder. But a pervasive attitude that what you have to say is more important or relevant than what others are saying is a dead giveaway. I'm not a psychologist, but I have had the distinct displeasure of spending nearly twenty years in the midst of an entire family of elitist narcissists, and the following two years, reading, learning, studying, trying to grasp the truth of it. There's nothing simple or uncomplicated about it. But the interuption analogy, while lighthearted and simplified, really isn't all that far from the truth.

I feel like you wrote this about me. I guess I should take a good look at myself! Well written!

Would a person (I believe to be a narcissist) chase after a ruined friendship if they are a narcissist? She continues to persue me after I have made it "abbundantly" clear that the friendship will not be repaired.

I know people who are both those things for sure.