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Sex Starved Husbands: It's midnight, do you know where YOUR Eliot is?
What's a guy to do when his wife is just not into sex?
Radio
host: Dr. Mark, I have read somewhere that a man thinks about sex as
often as a woman thinks about her children or how she looks. What do
you make of that?Dr. Mark: I didn't know women thought about their children or how she looks that often.
As
more of the facts behind the Eliot Spitzer scandal come to the fore, it
may be clear that once again grandiose, narcissistic men come to
believe that they live by different rules than others. It may also be
clear that men who possess a great drive to succeed not infrequently
have that drive cross over into a sex drive that doesn't seem to be
satisfied within a mundane typical marriage.
On the other hand, even non narcissistic men are not immune to discovering that sex is a great way to relieve tension.
Men
in fact did not ask that sex for sex sake would be such a great tension
reliever. It just is. (And as women are becoming more competitive and
aggressive in the world, they are not far behind in discovering it).
But if a guy is married to a woman who demands and deserves to be
treated with respect who would not take too kindly to serving as a
vehicle for purely carnal sexual relief, and is someone he respects, he
can sometimes have problems covering up his desire to sometimes just
use her (and in his mind not very respectfully) for a release rather
than to make love.
So… if a man has a large uncontrollable sex
drive, feels it is the only way to relieve tension and he has a wife
who either has less of a sex drive, would be turned off to having sex
the "imaginative" way he would like to and talking about the problem
only makes it worse (as he can come off as whining, complaining or
sullen and not much of a turn on), what should that man do?
a) hire a prostitute and be sleazy
b) have an affair and be a cheat
c) service himself by masturbating to pornography downstairs in the den and feel pathetic
d)
suggest going to a marital/couples therapist (which is too embarrassing
for most couples, especially if the man is going to bring up his
"uncontrollable" sex drive)
e) sublimate his drive to buying and washing a sports car
f) put a rubber sheet on his bed and hope it all gets worked out in his dreams
g) other -------
What's your opinion?
Read about frustrated women in "Forget Eliot Spitzer, what what his wife thinking?"
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Would you marry someone with incompatible values? I wouldn't. Just like I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't possess a mutually fulfilling sex drive. In fact, one of the main reasons the idea of marriage holds appeal for me is the ability to have as much sex as I want as often as I want it . . . There are many reasons to "make love." Furthermore, you don't always have to "make love" with the person you're in love with. . . Sex is a conversation between two bodies. You can express a whole range of communication physically: anger, forgiveness, tenderness, laughter, playfulness, animal passion, lust, love, just wanting to be close, creativity, celebration- you get the idea. . . If I were married to a man who believed sex had to always be a pure expression of love. . . Actually, strike that, I wouldn't marry anyone like that. . . For coupled people, if you can't have an honest conversation about sex nor get your most basic physical needs met by the person to whom you've pledged your life, what on earth are you doing with them? . . . Life is too short to be spent secretly masturbating in the den or sneaking around, cheating on your spouse. Unless, of course, misbehaving is the real turn-on or you enjoy playing the long suffering martyr. . . TJP
So if I was turned on by your blog, is that being unfaithful to my wife?
Thanks for your comment as always Tara. Now it's time to take a cold shower.
Mark Goulston, M.D.
"Get Out of Your Own Way"
http://markgoulston.com
http://markgoulston.com/blog
Actually, thanks for the belly laugh and you're welcome! TJP
St Augustine wrote that in the 4th Century. Seems like a reasonable policy for today.
Interesing post..the topic I refer to as a "holding hostage" situation.
As a former Courtesan, I've talked to many, many men in this position. I also talk to many women in the position of not having their sexual needs met.
What to do in a monogamous relationship where one person's needs aren't being met and the other is comfortable with themselves so feels no need to change and meet the other half way?
I have two solutions...both based in honesty and transparency.
The first is to have a polyamorous relationship. By this, I mean having more than one partner, but being honest about it with my primary partner. This might get tricksy in the heart department, but is well worth the journey for those who want to engage in the work it can take to do this kind of relationship successfully. THE strongest relationships I know are those who are polyamorous.
The other would be to hire a Courtesan with the partner's permission. She is trained to be a professional companion...is there to be an "outlet" of sorts for the sexual component which is missing, cares about the man and his family while fully understands the importance about not getting emotionally entangled.
I know both these approaches are new ways of looking at relationships. But our current paradigm of lying, deceit, being held hostage, resentment, needs not being met and drying up in relationship aren't working, either. Perhaps it's time to revisit our paradigms....???
I've just been invited to blog here and think this will be the topic of my first post. Will just cut and paste this and expand..thanks!
Hi Gillette,
Interesting thoughts!
I am a hubby with a very dear wife who, when younger, made for some great and memorable sex. Since then, however, she's caught up in her own business and household chores. I work out of station, hence there isn't that much contact between us, though for the same reason there's plenty of connect.
My sexual needs are definitely not being met, in the present time. I have tried everything from suppressing them to masturbation … just to put it behind me so I can get on with the work in life. This is a problem in more ways than one, for me. I jus' dunno how to cope. I stay in India and the society here is hypocritical enough to ban me for life for even thinking about a polyamorous relationship though every other person is merrily into one in what is the second most populated country.
Sexual gratification? Not available. Alternatives? Not satisfactory at all. New-fangled approaches? Won't work here. What do I do? Any ideas?
I have bookmarked this page and will return to check for any replies. Thanks!
Yeah, I totally agree with that. So many men have a high sex drive and I believe that it's wifely duty to satisfy your husband's needs. Now, I don't want to take women's rights back 100 years, but a lot of problems can be avoided just by having a healthy and frequent sex life. I do have to say, however, that there should be some compromise. Some women naturally do not have much of a sex drive, so I think an open communication is necessary.
I agree with the above post. It's so much easier to just go for it than to cause problems by trying to avoid it. Keep your man satisfied and everything else falls into place!
The problem is that people MAY have the exact same desires and sex drive in year 1,2,3,4 whatever. Then something changes down the road..now you have 8 years of marriage and two kids in this mess and your significant other doesn't seem to like sex anymore. Now your stuck between being selfish and leaving to satisfy your needs and staying and being misrable in a sexless marriage. I am living this nightmare AS I WRITE this post :(
I'd be perfectly happy if my husband "used" me to relive his sexual urges rather than spending hours focusing on making me have an orgasm. I have no problem providing all the sex he wants, if he would just accept that it doesn't always have to be "mindblowing" for me.
I'd say that i agree to this. dont know if the consensual courtesan will work for me or no. I am in a love marriage with same person with whom i had courtship for 10 years. I love my wife and she does too as far as there is no heat display. Now I am in loss of any desire towards career, home, family or life. Is a visit to Thailand the answer to my problems???
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