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Why Married Men Flirt
Dear Dating Doctor:
My question, rather problem, is this . . . why is it that my friend's husbands or boyfriends are always hitting on me and flirting behind their backs. I do not do anything to contribute or promote this behavior, so why is it happening?
Miranda
Dear Miranda:
Get out your pad or lap top and take a few notes. First off, these men are completely dishonest and must feel as if they can flirt with you. Even though you expressed that you are "doing nothing to contribute to the problem," they obviously feel secure enough with you to make such a move. They evidently have no fear that you will "give them up" or they are so taken by you that they simply don't care if you do.
A second reason these taken and married men flirt with you is that you are available and they are not. What do men want more than anything else in the world? That which they cannot have. You may also posses qualities and characteristics that are lacking in their spouses or significant others.
The passion may be gone or dying in their present relationships and you may ignite some kind of "emotion or passion" in them. Some men may use you as a barometer to see "if they still have it" (if they ever really had "it" in the first place!). Nothing is stronger than a male ego in need of a jump start.
These men may be in unhealthy relationships and want out, but are unable to find the proper way to "escape" or repair their damaged relationship. You may be exhibiting signs (intentionally or unwittingly) that you are receptive to their advances. It is a natural human reaction to be flattered when someone shows an interest in you. Engaging with these men in excessive eye contact, smiling or banter may be giving them all the hope they need.
Where and when are you speaking to these men without their partners present? The more you increase the odds of this happening by allowing yourself to be alone with them, the greater the chance that it will happen.
Without knowing you, I would venture to say that you are a young, attractive, outgoing, warm and compassionate woman --all qualities that would attract such men. I would also presume that many of these married men who flirt with you got hitched at a young age and are now restless. Remember this, if a man does cheat on a woman the odds are extremely favorable that he will repeat the behavior again.
Spend more time with your significant other (If you have one. If you don't that might be part of the problem!). If you truly want the behavior to cease, make it clear to them that their advances are unwelcome, that you have no interest in them, and reduce the number of opportunities they have to flirt with you. If not, get ready to make a list of the worst pick-up lines in history.
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You're right! Assholes like you should never get married. Most people don't see life as a big game like you ... on the prowl, for their next "high" or "fix." Only a sociopath would play with someone's emotions and future like this. Sounds like you definitely have some serious issues though. I'm gonna guess you are either a love/sex addict or a sociopath. GET HELP! Oh, and while you're at it tell your wife about what a disrespectful, shalllow, self centered, cheating idiot she married! That's right! YOU ARE A CHEATER! Stick this "I never cross the line" BULLSHIT where the sun don't shine. Any way you slice or dice it, YOU ARE A CHEATING SCUMBAG! YOUR WIFE DESERVES TO KNOW THE TRUTH SO SHE CAN MOVE FWD AND FIND REAL LOVE!
In so much as experience being the best teacher I have to say I am also quite naïve, but well versed in self deception. I am a married man who enjoys the company of good looking women. I flirt with women every chance I get. I take the game right to the line, but never cross it. I enjoy conversation that flows over dinner, the thrill of meeting someone new, the sparkle in the eyes of a woman as I try to gaze into her soul, and if we connect it can only be described as magic. For me this is not an act, not ego. It’s not something I try to do, and for the past few years it is what I have been trying to avoid doing; by locking myself away and hiding behind my work.
(--hmmm could this be a natural byproduct of being married? Self deception and denial?)
My self control at this point is a direct result of consequences that will naturally follow. But this will eventually break down as I come to terms with an inevitable truth.
People like me should never get married.
Well; many of the comments here seem so awfully naive.
Loving someone is so very different to wanting someone.
Loving determines so much of our life, but it's really the wanting that drives us to make decisions.
Wanting someone is all about chemistry. Go ahead and act on it if it won't destroy your love relationships; but think long and hard about the consequences.
Sex is one thing, a great thing, but having someone in your life that loves you and cares about you regardless what you do is something different...
It just makes me mad to be in the presence of my husband and he flirts.
I've only been married for 1.5 years and I have to say that I haven't experienced that yet. I hope that I will not be in Miranda's shoes. I can't imagine my husband being this way, and I am so thankful for him. I would feel horrible if that happened to me and I really wouldn't know what to say in that situation. It was good to read this to inform myself.
CAPS off please. T'ts conveyed as shouting.
Good blog. I agree that making your feelings known to your flirty man is a good idea.
A MARRIED MAN THAT ACT AS YOU SAY, IS VERY SELFISH AND DOES NOT LOVE YOU, HE DOES NOT EVEN LOVE HIMSELF, THAT IS SO BAD AND I AM VERY SORRY TO TELL YOU THIS. THAT BEHAVIOUR HUMILIATES YOU, AND SOME WOMEN CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT AND CAUSE YOU EVEN MORE HUMILIATION. THAT IS NOT WHAT A MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSSED TO BE , THAT WHAT YOU SAY LACKS THE VERY EXPRESSION OF LOVE,
THE HALLMARK OF LOVE IS THAT THE LOVER WANTS TO MAKE HIS LOVED ONE HAPPY, AND WOULD NOT HUMILIATE THAT PERSON. PLEASE NOTE, THERE ARE WOMEN LIKE THAT TOO, ADVICE: DO NOT LIVE LIKE THAT,LEAVE HIM. HE WONT CHANGE, I KNOW IS VERY HARD, BUT IS IMPORTANT TO BE TRUE TO YOUR SELF, TO SAVE GUARD YOUR DIGNITY, YOU LOVE YOUR SELF, YOUR PERSON, SAVE YOURSELF, GET LAWYER, GIVE YOURSELF A CHANCE TO BE HAPPY AND TO LOVE.
MY EXHUSBAND WAS LIKE THAT, HE WOULD PLEASE EVERYONE, AND LOVED RECEIVE ATTENTION FROM WOMEN, AND WITH HIS INDIFFERENCE TO ME, AND NOT CARE FOR ME AS A PERSON TO WHAT WAS INSIDE MY SOUL, HE DESTROYED THE LOVE I HAD FOR HIM ONCE...THE SUFFERS FROM A MENTAL ILLNESS, I DISCOVERED, YOUR HUSBAND MAY SUFFER FROM NARCISSISM, A MENTAL ILLNESS, I LEFT HIM, WITH MY CHILDREN, AND DIVORCED HIM, AND THE CHILDREN AND I ARE HAPPY, ENJOYING LIFE, I SOON FORGOT ALL THE YEARS OF MYSERY. I KNOW ONE DAY I WOULD MEET, SOMEONE THAT WOULD LOVE ME.
My husband also seems very nice on the surface. He makes long and interesting eye contact with other females, makes jokes with them, gives complements galore and always agrees with them, whether it leaves me looking like an !@#$ or not. He is gullable to buying anything a saleswoman has to offer. When we go to get togethers he leaves me and goes off for hours to be in the company of a group of women. My husband loves attention, lots of it!
When we are alone, together he is a different person. He criticizes and berates me, compares me to other, more successful women. He doesn't listen to more than 5 minutes of anything I have to say. When together we don't even talk because he will shut the conversation down. I am a very loving and loyal person to all my friends. I will give my life for someone I love. I just don't understand how a marriage partner can mistreat another like this.
Thanks for listening,
This is a game with him and you have allowed yourself to become a player in it. Grow up! You are not 17 any more! It is time to evaluate who YOU really are and woman-up.
Stop being a pawn.
i've been married for 15 years - i got married when i was 17 and he was my first boyfiend - and i have a male friend who is also married, he's been married for 10 years - i've been clueless to the idea that men need to be validated sexually. when we work together he looks at me up and down nods his head askes if i want "breakfast" (we work grave yard together)at first i asked him why he was looking at me like that (i had never been looked at like that before)
this goes on for about 3 days of flirting - making me feel beautiful - a female coworker that has worked with him for about 4 years told me alittle about him when i first got the job; she said that he is looking for someone to have on the side. am i this women? or am i just being used for his arousal, arousal that he then takes home (where it whould be) but the point is i am getting the feeling i am being used and that makes me mad. i dont intend on cheating on my husband and hurting him, so why am i mad. why can't i just tell him to stop or ignore him?
Men are like that.. can't help it :)
I'm a married man, and I have lately been experiencing the same problem, only it's the girls coming onto me, even though they certainly know that I am spoken for. My biggest "fault" or problem is that I am just plain ole' "too nice" and find it difficult to be harsh to people in general. My niceness gives in and I find these ladies pushing the boundaries of how much they can get away with, even in front of my wife. I'm just sayin' that ladies aren't the only one who experience this.
I REALLY don't have a clue, but do have a 'gut feeling' that maybe it has something to do with a need to feel sexy and wanted.
www.theflirtingshack.com
When I was in college, I was constantly bewildered by the unwanted attention I received from an assortment of men. It was only after a few REALLY bad experiences and quite a bit of therapy that I saw my part in it. I had been walking into each and every interaction with a story that I wasn't enough, a huge need to be liked, to be found attractive. I was a magnet for predatory men who recognized a vulnerable, needy woman. I was an invitation. Maybe not specifically to those men, but in general. Not good, not bad, it was simply what I was doing.
Also the way I responded to the attention, my own lack of clarity about who I was and what I was —or wasn't —available for, acted as an opening for men who did know what they wanted.
Ultimately, IMHO it matters much less why men are attracted and much more who you are and choose to be in the presence of that kind of attraction. From a place of absolute clarity about your values and choices, that attraction can be quite enjoyable!
keep bringing soul into it,
sharon
Sharon Rich (www.soulincorporated.net) engages people in a completely new conversation about —and relationship with—Self and Body , which results in profound shifts in all aspects of life.
...but could it also be a need for these men to be validated? What could be more flattering than to have a young woman respond to the flirting (eventhough she did not)?
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