Hi Dr. Mark:

Thanks so much for your beautifully articulated view of men and commitment.

I think all too often women lose sight of the fact that men are more like us than different when it comes to risking rebuff, rejection, or abandonment.

We are all getting much better at identifying, experiencing and expressing our emotions, don't you think?

And even as we become more practiced at being emotionally intelligent, I imagine we will still continue to hedge anything that smacks of rejection.

Happy Holidays!

Warmly,
Dr. Jackie

I'm learning that men and women both suffer from a fear of rejection. Dr. Mark is right on the money, men have different strategies of dealing with and coping with rejection. Society tells men that they're supposed to be so strong, they're supposed to support other people, bring home the bacon etc. etc. If a man feels weak, his entire world could come crashing down. It could take a long time for his ego to recover. Life as he knows it, may never be the same. A man can get his heart broken and become a hardened a$%hole for life! He might become a closet misogynist who sabotages relationships and abuses the women he claims to loves. In our modern society, both men and women have come to fear each other and I think they'd be foolish if they didn't.

Dr. Jackie,
Thanks for the feedback. I believe you are right. Men and women long for the same thing- a secure connection that works. We may go about it in different ways at times, but we share a fundamental need for a good relationship. The more emotionally intelligent we are about going after that, the more successful we are going to be at getting it.
Sincerely,
Dr. Mark

Amanda has a good grasp on the issue. It's not the absence of commitment that is the problem, but the presence of fear. Both men and women fear getting hurt or rejected and both do things to thwart love in life by not dealing with that fear openly. Pretending we are not afraid, or self medicating against it with other things doesn't help. If you are going to love you are going to get hurt. Don't let your fear keep you on the sidelines. Courage is not the absence of fear, but saying yes to love in the middle of it.

I'm glad that you wrote about this issue. As a woman, I still hate the generalizations made about men in relationships. Although men and women can be quite different, I think it's completely unfair to label one gender unable to commit. In layman's terms, that generalization almost equates to saying that men cannot love. I'm glad that you further explained the issue to get rid of stereotypes.

I think Dr. Baker only covered one side of the coin. SOME men are like he describes. Most of the ones I've seen turned out to be the non-committing types who stay with a woman until something better comes along. When a woman has a man who is willing to commit, she doesn't have to speculate whether or not he's willing to. He proves it to her every day.

Thanks for the great article on why men seem to be commitment phobic. Maybe in my next relationship (if something ever happens) I can try to be more understanding of this so things don't go awry again.

Good article, and I'm sure it's true in most cases. Funny how it was the other way around in our relationship, though! ;-)

I don't want to be judgmental, but I think it's true that men tend to be more afraid of commitment. Of course, there are exceptions, but even my relationship with my husband, he really wanted to get married after he knew I was the one, but before then, he was taking baby steps. He even told me that he feared rejection. I definitely agree with your blog.

I have to say that I both agree and disagree with what you are saying here. I agree that humans fear rejection and abandonment and thus tend to protect their hearts. I disagree that it is a male thing alone. I also feel it is not because men and women are so different biologically in their emotional centers, but that they are raised to be different in our society. Our society allows women to express their emotions openly and without constraint, while men are told that expressing anything but anger and happiness is unacceptable and unmanly (big men don't cry syndrome).