How many times have we heard, “The passion becomes less after you’ve been together for a while,” or “Naturally things are strongest at the beginning”? We buy into these platitudes as though they are gospel, never questioning the inherent nature of love. Time and again we willingly fall prey to this distorted view and rather than open to another way of looking at love, we buy into the status quo. This happens to everyone, we tell ourselves, so it must be true.

In the newness of a relationship, we are swept away by feelings that bypass the brain and we are transported, literally, into another state of consciousness. This happens quickly as our hormones rage. Sexual contact accelerates the process even further. We mistakenly think physical intimacy is real intimacy and we are shocked when we realize it is not. Although sometimes the initial merging lasts for a while, eventually the disconnection takes place. And when it does, we are unprepared for the pain of separation.

Frightened of our own vulnerability, we pull away. This unconscious retreating shuts us down and we immediately begin to “think” rather than to “feel”. Now we are caught in a trap of protecting ourselves against a false enemy. But it is not the other person who has betrayed us. We have been led astray by our own confused thinking.

The truth is that this is what happens when we don’t understand how it really works. We don’t get it. We think our opinion is reality, when it just may be our opinion and nothing more.

This static fantasized goal of ever-lasting pleasure keeps us stuck. We hold on to an idealized notion of what love is and we get thoroughly sideswiped with anything less. Whatever doesn’t fit into our agenda we reject as “not love.” We withdraw and blame and then we regroup, and approach again. A variation of this advance/retreat process is what we all do – until we stop doing it. The players may change, but the drama remains.

After awhile, even we see it. Until we are tired of doing the same old stuff over and over again, we will never change. Unless we are willing to give it up – the story, the illusions, even the hopes and dreams – we can never begin the very real and wonderful process of loving.

An amazing thing happens when we can honestly connect to the monogrammed satchel of stuff that belongs to us, no better or worse than anyone else’s, simply ours. The moment we “feel”, we stop acting out. We take responsibility for all our behavior, not just the parts we like. We stop getting angry, projecting, and gathering consensus for our point of view. We look at what is and let it be that, regardless of how we would like it to be. We make an actual conscious decision to be present in the moment, so we can “see” clearly. From this space only, we begin to love.

This is not something that just happens to you. You make that choice. Choosing to be real, touching your never-ending well of humanity (the nitty-gritty, all of it), you automatically touch the other person’s as well. When you love from that place, your generosity of spirit extends effortlessly to another.

To know your Self is to know another, and there is nothing more tender than being known. We do not want to be loved in spite of our humanity, but because of it. When we are loved like that, we are eternally grateful, and joyfully love in return.

We have only one heart. If we close it to hurt, we close it to love. There will never be anything outside us that can guarantee love – not a perfect person, an ideal situation, a signed promise. It is only when we expose our soft underbelly to the universe that we are protected, and the world cannot hurt us. That is the only thing we can be sure of.

The natural evolution of everything is change, movement from moment to moment that encourages us to stay vigilant and not go to sleep. When we stay awake, love grows. It can’t do anything else.

from Reality Works - Let It Happen Copyright Chandra Alexander