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Agendas Push People Away
We grow up believing it is always important to have plans, but as much as we love knowing what is going to happen, we never like feeling controlled or manipulated.
There is a very significant but subtle difference between making plans and having an agenda. Making plans requires some necessary forethought – What would you like to do? Where would you like to go? It is about determining what might be a match for the way you feel. Do you want to go camping or do you want to go the movies? The process starts with the feeling and moves out to a specific counterpart – movies or camping. When we make plans like this, it is an appropriate way to use our will and create a life that makes us feel good.
Conversely, agendas are at the opposite end of the continuum. If making plans starts with examining a feeling than having an agenda begins with a conditional thought – If I do this than I’ll get that. From the get go there is an implicit assumption that behaving a certain way will get the desired result. We stay focused on the future, not the present, and do what needs to be done to achieve our goals, regardless of how anyone feels.
Having an agenda is manipulation. As the object of someone’s agenda, we can feel when we are being manipulated and it does not feel good. We may not be able to intellectually analyze the interchange, but we can sense the subtle exploitation. Although nothing has been said, we know there is an expectation, a particular way we are expected to be, and intuitively we know it is not okay to say how we really feel.
This “walking on eggs” feeling lays the groundwork for the relationship and sets the pattern for communicating. Almost before we know it, we have bought into this dysfunctional way of relating. We rationalize not feeling good by labeling it “negotiable needs” and proceed to hold back spontaneous thoughts and feelings if we sense they are not in keeping with the silently agreed upon program. The more we “think before we speak”, the more isolated we feel.
Feeling lonely and disconnected in a relationship is the result of being unreal. When we cannot be real, the distance is always palpable. We are acutely aware of the emotional isolation and find no solace in a life that has all of the accoutrements but none of the substance. With no promise of change, eventually we leave, - or worse, we stay.
from Reality Works - Let It Happen Copyright Chandra Alexander
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My boss usually works with an agenda in mind.. he calls it good business strategy.."Tell the Client what you want but make them believe they want it too..."
I wouldn't say agendas are on the opposite end of the continuum, but you're right about the very subtle difference between plans and agendas. You gave a very good description of the difference, but it'll still probably be hard to have a plan and not let it turn into an agenda, even with what you said in mind.
I really can't agree 100% with you, because I have so many agendas and they can be positive things, especially in a workplace. However, I do understand where you are coming from and in our relationships that we want to foster, no, we should not have agendas; we should just be who we are.
I have to agree on this article. I can't stand manipulators, at all. There is no such thing as fun, when it comes to lying to people and making them believe something that was never real in the first place. It's cruel, and it's demeaning. It's like you're calling the people around you dumb. How is that fair to anyone? It's not. Having agendas aren't positive, because you expect things from people. You want them to do what you're doing, and you'll do whatever it takes to make sure that happens. That is wrong.
I disagree that agendas push people away. Agendas, plans, or programs are foundations of thoughts and principles for us to come together in our professional and personal lives. These forums allow us to interact in the now while progressing to the future with our partners. Lack of a shared agenda leads to poor communication which in turn isolates us and leaves us disconnected.
I agree with you that agendas are a form of manipulation; however, agendas can be a good thing and manipulation is not always bad. I do feel that the majority of manipulation is self-serving though and that personal agendas tend to be selfishly motivated. I guess the same could be said of corporate agendas too now that I think about it.
I simply have to disagree with this article, no matter how well written. While agendas can push some people away, sometimes an agenda is used to bring someone closer to you. Not everything in life can be accomplished without simple manipulation. You can't potty train a child without an agenda, but that's not really self-serving.
I can't quite agree with this article. Having an agenda is what keep me organized. It doesn't push others away it brings them closer because there is time for the fun stuff in the agenda. We have a big agenda on our family trip every year.
I definitely agree that we should give ample time and energy to focusing on the present, but I also think that almost everything we do has an agenda to it. Agendas are not necessarily bad things. When you begin to date someone, you're pursuing an agenda - seeing if they are appropriate for a long term relationship - and they're doing the same thing. And if both people weren't okay with that, they wouldn't be dating.
I never really thought about agendas in this light until I read this article, but it makes perfect sense. Having and keeping to an agenda is manipulative, and the only one who benefits is the person who made the agenda! It is really clear in my mind how agendas are usually "one-way," while "plans" have some give and take involved. This was pretty enlightening for me, since I'm usually the one who feels that there needs to be an agenda for everything! I think if I just substitute the word "plan," I may be able to change some of my inside feelings and how I relate to others. Very good insight here.
I also disagree. I call having an agenda having a vision. I changed my life for the better with a vision for me and my family. Hopefully, I will never live life totally by the 'seat of my pants' again!
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