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When Family Members Are Judged As Friends, We've Finally Got It
With a feeling that is stronger than blood and more powerful than genetic coding, we are inextricably linked to our family. Unlike other areas of our life, where we tenaciously cling to rational thinking in the wake of overpowering emotions, our family is perhaps the only place where we willingly abandon logical thinking and lead with the heart.
And that is because there is something very real and immediate about family. It does not matter if our feelings are positive or negative, or whether we believe family members are with us for a reason or simply by accident. We are connected to them and they are connected to us. Nothing can impair that feeling or make it less genuine. Even if we cannot find a deeper tribal meaning, we are left with a feeling we cannot simply dismiss.
Intellectually, we may try to deny the connection, but ultimately it sizzles and sparks and demands we pay attention. Love them or hate them, family members are capable of pushing every button we have. Criticism from a caustic mother can turn a self-assured daughter into a scared, defensive little girl, and disapproval from a narcissistic father can make a successful entrepreneur feel like a failure. By telling ourselves “it’s family”, we justify their behavior and ours, and make a thousand excuses for continuing to do things that don’t feel right.
But inherent in this uneasy feeling is a way out. As long as we are willing to feel rather than think, we know we are on the right track. The moment we connect to the feeling, we bypass all the “shoulds’ and “oughts and deal with reality, what is right there in front of us. Something that doesn’t feel good, in the deepest part of our being, makes us want to leave. We need to listen to that inner prompting and go. For in order to grow and flourish, we must consciously move away from things that don’t nourish our souls. And if that includes family, so be it.
Instantly, we reclaim our power. We accept full responsibility for what has happened up till now and know we can choose to change it. We begin responding appropriately. When we are abused, we pull away, and when we are supported and cherished, we love and move close. Here is an opportunity to equal the playing field – to choose one another as we would friends.
We have put equanimity in our family relations and it feels good. We are not talking about a quid pro quo relationship but rather an open interchange, that on the whole, feels balanced and harmonious. To meet one another in this open and unconditional way has tremendous possibilities. When family members are judged as friends, the way is paved for life long friendships of blood and heart. The script is gone and the rigid rules of interaction have been replaced by a more natural way of being. Finally, it makes sense.
from Reality Works - Let It Happen Copyright Chandra Alexander (purchase the Reality Works Book or Ebook) Starting Dec. 3-Dec.31, 2008 - Reality Works, book and ebook , Buy One, Get One Free - the best holiday gift.
If you like what you've read, you're invited right now to join the thousands who receive Chandra's FREE daily email "Cutting Through to THE REAL TRUTH” for a daily dose of clarity and truth.
“There is nothing I like better than getting to the core of something. It's a natural honing-in process that answers the question beneath the question, i.e., answers the question you didn't even know you were asking.” –Chandra. Want to ask a question? Ask Chandra Anything at her blog, “Chandra Unplugged, No Nonsense, Straight-up Blogging from a Life Coach”.
In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.
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It's hard to be realistic in family relations. People will stay with caustic parents for years because even though deep down they know that it's not good for them, they feel guilty letting them go. Very intriguing and truthful blog.
Coming from an Asian background, your blog hits home with me. I think in all cultures, people feel that closeness with their families that they will do irrational things for them. However, even though I know this in my mind, it's really hard to act on the "logical thinking". Thank you for such a through provoking blog.
You're certainly right that family members are capable of pushing our buttons. They know us better than most anyone else, so they know exactly what gets to us. But as much as you might want to, you can't choose your family members. You can choose to cut off a relationship if it comes to that, but unless you cut yourself off from all of your family completely, you can never be totally free from the person who antagonizes you.
Relationships within a family system are often much more complicated than we consider them to be. It's ingrained in most of us to love and stick with our family members, no matter the cost. Unfortunately, in some families, that is a high price to pay.
This is an amazing blog and read. I guess what it pretty much comes down to, that because we naturally love our families unconditionally, they can get away with doing pretty much anything. That's why most people live by the quote, "Your family will screw you over before anyone else will." It's because they know that no matter what they do wrong, you're their blood and family, you're going to love them regardless. I'm not saying it's okay, but that's just how the world works out. You won't agree with the things you do, and you may even fight about it, but you'll ALWAYS love them.
It's a little different with your own children, especially as they get older. It's important to remember to be their parent, instead of always trying to be their friend.
How true. Most family ties exist because people are loving by nature. I agree there are odd families existing only because no one wants to be the first to leave but they are rare.
I disagree wholeheartedly with most of the article. This "blood is thicker than water" analogy is nonsense. Evaluate people on a case by case basis, not on whether they are related to you - you'll get better results if you don't think every second "but they're faaaaamily". Horrid article, two thumbs down.
I could not agree more. You can not choose your blood family, but you can totally choose who you call family and spend your time with. My partner, after 20 years of trying to force her father to be a part of her life, gave up on having a relationship with her dad back in 2003. She has never looked back and is a completely different person for letting go of that toxic relationship. Just because you are related to someone does not mean they must be a part of your life.
Oh yes some family members can push our " bad" buttons. I only have one extended family member who pushes those buttons. I find it much easier to deal with remember that that person must truly be miserable to be such a grumpy crab. I just use niceness as my weapon of choice.
This is an amazing blog and read.Most family ties exist because people are loving by nature
This is a good thought. Lots of time, people barely realize that they have a /choice/ about family. If your family is not a healthy place to be, you can choose to take them out of your life. It's only when we think of our family as a relationship that we can start deciding if it's a beneficial one.
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