Wow, this is advice I need to read over and over. I don't think I have a hard time saying no because I care what people think of me. I think I have a hard time saying no because I'm just too nice. I have this desire to help others but when I start to feel used, I get angry and resentful. I avoid those feelings if I just said no in the first place.

I disagree that saying "no" has to do with our own insecurities of not being liked. Can't it simply be that we want to make others happy? or participate? I am involved in a multitude of things and sometimes take on too much. While I do not feel it necessary to explain myself when I say "no," I do...simply because that's the polite thing to do. But, if someone is blatantly taking advantage I have no trouble with the assertive "no," trust me!

I am so guilty of this. People seem to mistake kindness for weakness, and I've been running into a lot of people that choose to use me rather than appreciate me. It's sad, really. I just recently grew a backbone and learned how to say 'no' to a lot of people. Let's just say I lose a lot of friends. If you lose friends this way, don't regret doing what you did. They were never really your friends in the first place.

I've always had trouble saying no, mostly at work... My boss would ask me to do 10 things while I was on my way out the door and instead of just saying no or telling him he could give it to a co-worker I would have to either delay or cancel plans I had... I really started noticing my problem when it started affecting my relationships... my girlfriend would ask me to do things or go places that I really didn't want but instead of saying no I went along with it and started resenting her...

my goal for 2009... saying no and causing myself less stress

I have a friend who is a doormat that I am going to forward this Blog to. I think its SO important to be caring and to help others, but not at the expense of your own pride and sanity. I used to be a doormat but have trained myself out of it. VERY good blog!

This is good advice for everyone. I have a problem saying no, but find when I do the world does not end and people still talk to me. It really is self-defeating to always say yes. Great topic!

Great advice. Saying no is so hard for some people. I'm big on caring and helping others and being good for others, but I'm not the world's doormat. I'm still a bit of a pushover, but I'm slowly learning to say No stronger and more effectively.

I started smiling when I read this blog because I use the unassertive NO all the time in my life. I also say YES too many times that I should say NO. I've always known this about myself and definitely do want to change. I wish that there may be another article that I can read to help me change into a person who can assertively say NO, but your article helped me remember that I needed to change. Thanks.

This is my number factor for stress! I guess inside GUILT builds up when I say NO to someone. I guess I feel like, 'If I don't help them, then who will?'. I don't know. My mom's friend gave me some advice, "JUST SAY NO". Just like your article. It's hard at first. The way I was able to start saying NO was by not letting people take advantage of me. Like I said, it's hard at first, but it will reap great benefits.

"- The aggressive NO. This No comes across as sarcasm with a hint of aggression."

This one's almost backfired on me a couple of times when I got this response: "Hahaha, that's so funny, you don't really mean that!"

"No."

It really is a complete sentence.

When working with my clients on assertiveness skills, the most frequently heard excuse for not saying no is, "I don't want to hurt their feelings." I tell them that if the person's feelings are hurt, it is up to that person to cope with that. A life lived with a constant "ok" on your lips is going to lead to stress, resentment, and a lack of peace. There is nothing wrong with a good, old-fashioned, "No."

Most people who think they don't say no enough are actually just people who don't organize things well. It doesn't mean you have to live your life according to someone else's rules. Even in these cases, the right answer is probably "yes, but only if."

No is a word that needs to be brought back and taught to some people again. Not just saying "No" to someone if they ask for something, but saying "No" to society. Peer pressure, expectations and that little nagging voice that makes you want to fit in all need to have a No button on them. Starting No on a one to one basis could be a good starting point for people to change their lives around... Oh dear, I'm rambling again. Great article and lesson to all those who care too much about everyone else. You get a positive vote for a positive message.

This is specially true for cultures where respect and submissiveness is a way of life till you turn 18. They fall into a habit of saying yes and cant say No even if that is the only thing they should say at times.

I really like this blog post! I worry when I say no people will think I am mean. It has been a hard lesson to learn but I am getting pretty good at the assertive no. Thanks for the reminder!

This is one of the first lessons I had to learn in my adult life. It wasn't until it seemed like everyone was taking advantage of me that I really learned how to say "no" and mean it.

I agree that the consequences are miserable when you say no when you really mean yes. You either get stuck doing something you don't want to do or you have to back out of something you've already committed to. It just feels bad either way.

This is a huge problem for me. I just have the hardest time saying no. I don't know what it is but when someone asks me for something or to do them a favor I always feel like I can't say no. Greta piece!

Saying NO used to be a huge problem for me. I would sacrifice myself many days to tasks I would have rather not done. It had nothing to do how I thought people would feel about me if I said no I just never wanted to leave anyone hanging, that's all. However now I say NO quickly without any guilt or anything. Feel so good and I can have free time for me.

I enjoyed this article mostly for the different classifications of the word no. I think a lot of people have trouble saying no, especially to people they are close to. But I'm not actually sure that it's a bad thing. Obviously there are some tasks no one wants to do, and sometimes you just don't have the time. But I think saying no should be a last resort. Who knows what sort of experience you would be declining?

Amazing!!, this is advice I really needed because I can really never say no even if it means I am in trouble. For some reason I will say yes to whatever anyone wants of me and I need to learn that saying no is alright.

easier said than done, but those are some good points!

I was among the throngs of sheltered children thrown out into the world by parents that didn't prepare them socially only for them to be punished when taken advantage of. However neglectful and unfair, I did learn to eventually stand up for myself but I still ended up using the wrong type of no in many situations.

This is a great piece because you are truly free from obligation when you learn the "assertive NO", it's the perfect balance between sincerity/respect and making your intentions clear. I think if children especially were taught the difference between different types of no and learned that among peers, no is acceptable, then we'd have a lot more well adjusted adults in the world. Kudos!

I definately needed this. Thanks!

This is definitely good advice. It is very difficult to say no sometimes but I guess you must consider yourself and the position you are putting yourself in, what you are willing to sacrifice for someone else for their happiness

I agree with your post. I've been guilty of saying yes when I really shouldn't be giving my time. I always thought I was being unselfish and putting others' needs before my own, but I ended up almost self-destructing - not getting enough sleep, not keeping the house clean, not spending quality time with the kids, not eating right nor exercising. I was too worried about what others' thought of me. No more, I hope.

I certainly agree! It's really that hard to say no to people you value most. On the other hand, this is not also a good attitude to keep. All of us must know how to say "No" when it is needed. This will make other people think and solve their own problems by themselves and this will also help them to be independent in a right way. It will also improve yourself as well in a sense that you will be able to know your limitations when it comes to helping other people.

I have such a problem saying no! It's defintiely my downfall. I really need to learn to say no and let go of the guilt- thanks!!

Nice post! I wish I had the courage to say NO when I wanted to say it. It’s hard because we all want to be liked. After reading this post I think I'm going to be more assertive. Thank you.

Thanks for the great blog! I need to learn how to say NO without being too aggressive about it :)