I do not know either of you and do not doubt your love. I would carefully evaluate whether you can have a totally chaste relationship and not resent her even subconsciously. Perhaps conventional therapy would help her deal with her issues. It wouldn't be fair to her for you to resent her in the back of your mind for the lack of sex nor fair to you to force you to have a non-sexual relationship if you are a sexual person.

A lot of things can make a sexual abuse victim relationship hard. First, before it can be a truly functional relationship, your partner needs to begin overcoming the abuse- which sadly, it sounds as if she hasn't. Yes, it's an extremely long road, but it's not one that should be traveled alone. At least a few one-on-one therapy sessions would help some. Other than that, it all comes down to love. Are you prepared to wait a very long time or will resentment ruin the love you feel. Sit down with her and discuss it.

I don't have any real wisdom to impart - just hope that you are able to find a happy path for the two of you. I know what it's like to love someone who was abused, and we haven't found the answer to these questions either.

It sounds like even though you don't really know how to go about it, you need to sit down and talk things out. You can't blame her for anything, and in the same breath she can not blame you either.

I am like your partner. I was abused, although not as heavily. Because of this abuse, I am not particularly interested in sex with anyone, particularly men. I am not sure if she is a lesbian because of the abuse (I have contemplated it) or simply the way she was born, but this may be part of the problem. Perhaps she isn't that into women.

Additionally, I am into "alternative" sex because of the abuse. While I know it is probably not healthy because it replays my abuse, it also gets me more aroused than anything. Perhaps your partner needs a little role playing sometimes.

Lastly, I think that helping her, showing her that sex can be for expression of love might help. I always feel used and who wants that?

Thank you everybody for your support, your stories, and your advice. We have talked about it a lot and it is something we are both going to work on. We have decided on a compromise that I be more patient and she try to understand that our relationship is not governed by what abuse she's weathered through before, that what we do is an expression of love. Instead of playing a blame game by pointing our fingers at each other or ourselves, we're going to go about it by trying to understand the other's situation. It will take a while to see where it will go, but I think communication will really help us.

I'm being really hopeful that things will improve. I don't know if her being with me is chiefly because of what she's been through and her trust issues, but after talking, I think we're both on the same level. Thanks again everybody, you guys were a big help.

The most mature and healthy thing is to not engage in any sexual activity unless your partner initiates it, and you have to let her set the boundaries (keeping in mind that your boundaries are respected too). Even if she doesn't know what those would be, they have to be set by her. She gets to decide what goes on, for how long etc.
Her comfort comes before *any* iota of your need for sex. It can be quite frustrating, but remember that this is the woman you love, and doing what makes her happy and helps her is very important.
The other thing is that she has to go through some sort of therapy for there to be any chance of a healthy sex life.
You unfortunately must put your own needs to the back burner and wait until she is ready.

I am a victim of abuse, and I've always been a hard person to get close to. I'm still amazed by the fact that my husband fell in love me, regardless of how messed up I believed myself to be. He's helped me overcome so much. People don't realize how abusive relatonships, both mentally and physically, can mess an individual up. My husband would do anything to ensure my happiness, and he's helped me overcome so much. He's the kind of man, any woman would be lucky to have.

You sound like a very loving partner to seek advice on this. While I don't have 1st hand experience someone dear to me does. To be honest she says she couldn't open this way until she had worked out her issues with a therapist. Is a therapist a possibility for your partner?

She has been through a lot of therapy but not so much these days. She still goes to one, though very sparingly. Money is partly the reason why more therapy cannot be achieved. Rather, I am wondering about utilizing the informal method of mediation with a mutual friend as our buffer but I am not sure if that will be entirely fruitful. Hopefully, it will at least make communicating seem easier, because we will have a person we are both comfortable with who is not biased. I mean, we are able to talk to each other about it directly, but for some reason, a third, unbiased party seems wise to have. We have spoken about this problem before and we can understand each other, but we still both have different needs and we have yet to decide on a compromise. That is currently being worked on.

Anyway, I appreciate all of your kind words as always. It means the world that you are all so good to me by giving me your take. I am definitely going to be steadfast in my support for her as she copes with her sexual abuse as I always have been, but I will definitely keep trying to be less selfish and put interests aside when I must. But what do I do in the meanwhile to curb my sexual appetite? Hmm. :/

Oh well, that is trivial right now... In other news, thanks again and have a happy, safe holiday!