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Why Men Can't Say, "I love you"
Just Because your Husband/Boyfriend is Afraid to Say, "I Love You," Doesn't Mean He Doesn't
If he feels it, why won't he say it? Just because your husband is afraid to say "I love you" doesn't mean he doesn't. And pressuring him to say it isn't going to make him want to say it any sooner.
So what's going on? Why can't men say "I love you?" Most men feel self-worth based on how much responsibility they can take on, but feel a threat to self-worth if they take on responsibility and then disappoint people. Part of their hesitation to say, "I love you," is that it starts them subconsciously down the road to increasing responsibility with the next steps being: "Let's live together," "Let's get engaged," "Let's get married," "Let's have kids," "Let's buy a house." This sequence makes sense from the woman's point of view when building a family and life together. (It is actually analogous to how a man builds his career, i.e. get the job, told you're doing a good job, expect raise and/or promotion, expect bigger and better titles, etc.)
Here's the problem. If the man has already had failures in his life -- with marriage,divorce, guilt about kids now coming from broken home, child and spousal support, etc. -- he is hesitant to add more commitments to the list of things where he thinks there is a likelihood that he will disappoint even more people.
What to do with this insight? Check it out with your man to see if it is true. If it is and if you show you understand him, he may be able to exhale and when he exhales and relaxes into your understanding it will replace his feeling tense when he feels pressured by you. Exhaling and then relaxing will open his mind and create more mind space to see how he can take on more responsibilities without getting freaked out. Because you have been empathic and understanding vs. nagging him, he will feel grateful and be more likely to show generosity to you by making more commitments.
He may even start to say, "I love you." And best of all, he'll mean it.
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Nice article. Its really helpful. Men do seem to be more hesitant to show love and affection, I've always blamed it on society's male image, but maybe this has some merit too.
This is definately a fresh point of view on men's hesitation to say "the three words." But, what about women? Many women also have trouble saying I love you. And I am sure that many men have deeper reasonings beyond their hesitation, too. What are some of those?
This is a new point of view I haven't thought about. I've always figured the hesitation to be a sensitive man or say I love you was based on the "macho" image but this has some interesting points. Now, if I ever have a man, I'll try it out!
As for me, my husband went years without saying "I love you" to anyone, even his mother. After we got together, and had more confidence in each other's love, we got married and now he's slowly making more changes in saying it to me. I think it depends on the men and their experiences. Sometimes, it's nice not to have the men always say "I love you"... when he does say it, you know that he means it.
Being a lesbian I don't expect men to tell me they love me... but I now seem to understand why my dad has trouble saying it...
Strange though is that I've noticed that this doesn't relate as much to the generation of young men that are walking around today...
A really good friend of mine says I love you to his girlfriend every single day, I on the other had.. head for the hills when the thought of love even pops up...
I have never looked at men and the words 'I love you' this way before. Then again, I've never had a problem with a man telling me they love me. The only problem I have had was them actually showing it. This blog is so helpful in explaining why this is so hard for them. I noticed when my husband I got together, he was so great when we were alone. But when it came to his friends, they always gave him a hard time about it. A male ego is everything to a guy. They're not used to giving up their male pride for love, just gotta give them time to get used to it.
Well that's a good explanation for a lot of men who can't say those words. Be careful in trying to apply that to everyone though, the guy just might not actually love you :P
Good explanation. My father was one of those men who could never say I love you. He was raised to believe men are tough and saying mushy stuff was weak. I say if your man doesn't say he loves you look at his actions. Most times actions are much louder than words.
well, you offer one explanation but there are probably a lot more. my parents never said 'i love you' and now i have a hard time with saying it too. so although it annoys me that my boyfriend has trouble with it I can't really hold it against him. hopefully we'll both improve over time.
With my experiences the female always jumps into it to soon. A little advice if you are in a long term relationship and hes not saying it then this blog has some good starting points to find out why but, you also might be wanting it to soon or, you can also try giving him a little more time.
This is a very good blog. I think it's common for people, especially women, to assume that all men feel hesitation at saying I love you because of some machismo self-image problem. That may be true for some men, but I don't think it is for the majority. Telling someone you love them is a responsibility. Another explanation regarding men and affeciton that I've recently had trouble with is, I'm with someone who recently came out of a relationship where sweet talk, I love yous, and physical affection was always (and only) a precursor to her boyfriend wanting sex. We men know that you ladies don't want to nearly as often as we'd like, and sometimes (at least for me) it can feel awkward being "sweet" especially when those efforts have been mistaken for sexual interest and nothing more.
This is alright, us men well me, I am not a fan of commitment, and I do not want to lie to a girl by saying I love you and lead her on to future things. I may like her a lot and love to spend time with her. But saying "I love you" is just to much to do.
I love you is not something to be played with. Some people take these workds more seriously than others. Some use it as power to get what they want and in that case it does end up getting someones feelings hurt. How does a person know when the other person really means it?
This article revals the actual feelings of men. Men are not that good in expressing thier love. This blog would help women to undertsand men better. The inability to say "I love you" does not mean they don't have real love and care for their women.
I think society has a big impact and men are afraid to seem to feminine.
It sounds reasonable. Saying I love you does seem like a commitment.
I agree that actions are more important than words. However, being verbal creatures, most women long to hear the words - particularly if we have uttered them. The blog does make some excellent points. I think I've considered these reasons in connection to my own relationship. Still, it's helpful to recognize that it's perhaps more generally pervasive than I realized. In my previous relationship, my boyfriend said it multiple times every day. It lulled me into a false sense of security about the relationship, which didn't last. My current boyfriend shows his caring and concern for me in so many different ways. It makes me feel a little silly for putting so much emphasis on three specific words. Sure, I still hope to hear them at some point. But I'm not going to push it. I know he really cares about me and that's enough for now.
After 6 years, my boyfriend has not uttered the 3 words. Several months ago after a dispute, I asked him if he loved me. He did not reply at that time. After a few moments and ending our conversation for the night, he said, good night and you know I do. I've heard him many times tell his daughter, I love you so it's not as tho he has a problem saying it. I'm beginning to think the problem is that he can't say it to me :(
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years, and were really good friends for about 3 years before that - we live together and are generally pretty happy together. Lately I have been feeling really bad about the fact that he's never said, "I love you." My dad is like this - totally non-demonstrative - and I really never thought I would put up with that in a love-relationship. My last boyfriend was so verbal - he always told me he loved me and how special I was to him - but his actions were more selfish and actually not that loving. My current boyfriend is a very caring person and I know he loves me, he just refuses to say it. I asked him why he says it to his Mom and not me, and he said that she forced him to through years of badgering and emotional manipulation. Obviously, that's not what I want to do - it would feel awful to know that the only reason this person says "I Love You" is because they are being forced to.
Still, I need to hear "I Love You" once in a while from the man I love and live with - but it seems like his pre-established feelings on this phrase trump my need to hear it every time. I've already started several fights about this - I end up getting really upset and he just insists that it's all in my head and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I wish I could just ignore it and accept that there are some people that just don't say that phrase... it's just hard for me to accept that he doesn't think that when he's with me. He says, "It just never occurs to me to say it." I get so upset that he's withholding something important from me, I get really upset and I have a temper, so I generally lose it, and then we're in a bad place and I feel like I should leave to get some space and deal with my own issues. (Obviously not hearing I Love You is a big issue for me)... should I just get over it? How do you let go of something you think is important? He is not very romantic at all - so I feel like it's not just this phrase, it's expressing his feelings in general. Sorry for the long post. :/
I can totally relate to this post. My story almost mirrors yours, my bf and I have been together about 2.5 yrs and he wont say I Love You. I wonder the same thing- am I being selfish asking for someone to say those words when they are already so kind to me? My last boyfriend was young and selfish, but he always managed to tell me he loved me, or that I looked nice, or the like. I feel like my current boyfriend is simply "not that into me" sometimes and it sucks. I can forget about it sometimes, but sometimes it creeps back and I start to question the whole relationship. Is that a reasonable reason to break up? I also wonder if there will ever be a commitment, and since I want to be married to him it hurts. a lot. I'm not afraid to be alone, but I am afraid to lose him over this.
If I were you I would think this really hard I myself am in a relationship that started out just like yours. I married him I guess I thought things would eventually change but you know what 13 years later Im still waiting to hear him say I love you whats even worse he cant even answer "me too" when I say it to him. I go on take deep breaths calm myself down I let it go but then when I least expect it the thoughts of insecurity come back and I start wondering all over again. I think some of us need to hear it and the fact that the other person may or may not have issues does not change that. I think life is to short to settle for less than we want and some things will simply not change.
If I were you I would think this really hard I myself am in a relationship that started out just like yours. I married him I guess I thought things would eventually change but you know what 13 years later Im still waiting to hear him say I love you whats even worse he cant even answer "me too" when I say it to him. I go on take deep breaths calm myself down I let it go but then when I least expect it the thoughts of insecurity come back and I start wondering all over again. I think some of us need to hear it and the fact that the other person may or may not have issues does not change that. I think life is to short to settle for less than we want and some things will simply not change.
Wow! I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I would get really upset about him never dating I love you. I would get really upset and worked up, question everything and then clam myself down and convince myself I did not need it. Then the emotions would come back and I would starts the cycle over and over again. I do not want to wake up I 13 years and think... Am I happy? ... It's so hard.
im with my bf since 7 months and he still cnt say i lov u :( bt wen we chat, he doesn't hesistate to tell me so. 1 day wen he said i love u via chat i said come and tell me the same thing in front of me when we shall meet after 2 days. He agreed. But on the eve, again via chat he said he can't tell me bcoz it's not yet the right time. :( what should I do?
My husband and I have been married for 35 years and he has a really hard time saying it,as for me I don;t but he will say things like you know I do,but he does little things to that I guess are his way of showing love he takes me places,pays all the bills,gives me money,helps me in the yard,keeps a check on my oil in my car,Is that signs of love and caring? Sometimes though I would just like to hear those words just once,Anyone can e-mail me at CATA@BLOMAND.NET with any opinons or advice.Thanks
MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 35 YRS,AND HE HAS A HARD TIME SAYING I LOVE YOU,BUT I GUES IN WAYS HE DOES SHOW ME, BY KEEPING A CHECK ON MY CAR,GIVING ME MONEY,TAKES ME PLACES WE DO SEEM TO SPEND MORE TIME TOGHETHER NOW THAN WE USE TO, HE PAYS ALL THE BILLS, HELPS ME MOW THE YARD,IS THIS SOME SIGNS OF LOVING AND CARING FOR SOMEONE? IT WOULD JUST BE GOOD TO HEAR THOSE WORDS EVERY NOW AND THEN, ANYONE CAN E-MAIL ME WITH ADVICE OR OPINIONS AT CATA@BLOMAND.NET I KNOW BY 35 YRS YOU WOULD THINK I WOULD KNOW IF HE DOES OR NOT, BUT WITH HIM IT IS A PUZZLE. THANKS
I am having this problem just as most of you are. My boyfriend and I have known each other for 8 years but have been exclusive for about a year now. We just moved in together and will be moving to another state in two months for my school. We are talking about buying a house together and everything. I am so confused because he can talk about all of this with me, but he cannot tell me that he loves me. I got mad one day and asked him why he has never said it and that it makes me feel like he doesn't because he cannot say it. He said that it doesn't mean anything when people say it and that he has been with friends who are cheating on their girlfriend, but saying I love you on the phone with them at the same time. He said he will say it one day but "not when I am upset." I know he loves me because of his actions, but i need to at least hear it once to reassure myself. I feel that saying it is ok because his actions show it, is not fair because any guy could use that to lead any girl on, and then every girl would be thinking, if he is nice to me, then he loves me even if he doesn't say it. No! You have to say something for us to know it 100%. When we are mad, they don't know unless we say something. No one can read the other's mind, and just because it is on the touchy subject of love does not give men a pass. I am not sure what to do in my case.. I need him to say it if he means it.. At least once...
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