Why Men Can't Say, "I love you"

Posted by Dr. Mark Goulston on November 25, 2008 9:05 PM PST

Recommend this? YES NO

Just Because your Husband/Boyfriend is Afraid to Say, "I Love You," Doesn't Mean He Doesn't

If he feels it, why won't he say it? Just because your husband is afraid to say "I love you" doesn't mean he doesn't. And pressuring him to say it isn't going to make him want to say it any sooner.

So what's going on? Why can't men say "I love you?" Most men feel self-worth based on how much responsibility they can take on, but feel a threat to self-worth if they take on responsibility and then disappoint people. Part of their hesitation to say, "I love you," is that it starts them subconsciously down the road to increasing responsibility with the next steps being: "Let's live together," "Let's get engaged," "Let's get married," "Let's have kids," "Let's buy a house." This sequence makes sense from the woman's point of view when building a family and life together. (It is actually analogous to how a man builds his career, i.e. get the job, told you're doing a good job, expect raise and/or promotion, expect bigger and better titles, etc.)

Here's the problem. If the man has already had failures in his life -- with marriage,divorce, guilt about kids now coming from broken home, child and spousal support, etc. -- he is hesitant to add more commitments to the list of things where he thinks there is a likelihood that he will disappoint even more people.

What to do with this insight? Check it out with your man to see if it is true. If it is and if you show you understand him, he may be able to exhale and when he exhales and relaxes into your understanding it will replace his feeling tense when he feels pressured by you. Exhaling and then relaxing will open his mind and create more mind space to see how he can take on more responsibilities without getting freaked out. Because you have been empathic and understanding vs. nagging him, he will feel grateful and be more likely to show generosity to you by making more commitments.

He may even start to say, "I love you." And best of all, he'll mean it.

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11 Comments

Nice article. Its really helpful. Men do seem to be more hesitant to show love and affection, I've always blamed it on society's male image, but maybe this has some merit too.

Posted by missfunkadilly on December 1, 2008 2:25 PM PST

This is definately a fresh point of view on men's hesitation to say "the three words." But, what about women? Many women also have trouble saying I love you. And I am sure that many men have deeper reasonings beyond their hesitation, too. What are some of those?

Posted by flyingleadchange on December 1, 2008 2:34 PM PST

This is a new point of view I haven't thought about. I've always figured the hesitation to be a sensitive man or say I love you was based on the "macho" image but this has some interesting points. Now, if I ever have a man, I'll try it out!

Posted by KnitsofLove on December 1, 2008 6:08 PM PST

As for me, my husband went years without saying "I love you" to anyone, even his mother. After we got together, and had more confidence in each other's love, we got married and now he's slowly making more changes in saying it to me. I think it depends on the men and their experiences. Sometimes, it's nice not to have the men always say "I love you"... when he does say it, you know that he means it.

Posted by euroni on December 2, 2008 4:45 PM PST

Being a lesbian I don't expect men to tell me they love me... but I now seem to understand why my dad has trouble saying it...

Strange though is that I've noticed that this doesn't relate as much to the generation of young men that are walking around today...

A really good friend of mine says I love you to his girlfriend every single day, I on the other had.. head for the hills when the thought of love even pops up...

Posted by blizardbabe on December 5, 2008 1:36 AM PST

I have never looked at men and the words 'I love you' this way before. Then again, I've never had a problem with a man telling me they love me. The only problem I have had was them actually showing it. This blog is so helpful in explaining why this is so hard for them. I noticed when my husband I got together, he was so great when we were alone. But when it came to his friends, they always gave him a hard time about it. A male ego is everything to a guy. They're not used to giving up their male pride for love, just gotta give them time to get used to it.

Posted by TehVixen on December 12, 2008 7:53 PM PST

Well that's a good explanation for a lot of men who can't say those words. Be careful in trying to apply that to everyone though, the guy just might not actually love you :P

Posted by Bizilbur on December 15, 2008 8:50 PM PST

Good explanation. My father was one of those men who could never say I love you. He was raised to believe men are tough and saying mushy stuff was weak. I say if your man doesn't say he loves you look at his actions. Most times actions are much louder than words.

Posted by chelle123 on December 16, 2008 11:02 AM PST

well, you offer one explanation but there are probably a lot more. my parents never said 'i love you' and now i have a hard time with saying it too. so although it annoys me that my boyfriend has trouble with it I can't really hold it against him. hopefully we'll both improve over time.

Posted by laurynb on December 20, 2008 8:50 AM PST

With my experiences the female always jumps into it to soon. A little advice if you are in a long term relationship and hes not saying it then this blog has some good starting points to find out why but, you also might be wanting it to soon or, you can also try giving him a little more time.

Posted by kttribal on December 20, 2008 8:34 PM PST

This is a very good blog. I think it's common for people, especially women, to assume that all men feel hesitation at saying I love you because of some machismo self-image problem. That may be true for some men, but I don't think it is for the majority. Telling someone you love them is a responsibility. Another explanation regarding men and affeciton that I've recently had trouble with is, I'm with someone who recently came out of a relationship where sweet talk, I love yous, and physical affection was always (and only) a precursor to her boyfriend wanting sex. We men know that you ladies don't want to nearly as often as we'd like, and sometimes (at least for me) it can feel awkward being "sweet" especially when those efforts have been mistaken for sexual interest and nothing more.