Well you certainly do have a different view point. But i have one question. If u are going to be polyamorous, why be in a relationship at all? Why not be single, free and multiamorous?

Because, as I said in the post, when done with honor, truth and integrity, THE strongest relationships I have ever seen are polyamorous.

By this, I mean they are the most intimate, loving, vital, alive, relationships that promote the most growth for both parties.

Polyamory is truly one of the strongest relationships. It's not a matter of being happy with a million people, it's loving the one your with so much you can step outside "traditional" boundaries to keep one another happy and satisfied.

While I completely disagree to abandon the idea of monogamy, your ideas are thought-provoking. I don't agree with your blog, but to each his own, right?

Thank you all for stopping by and adding to the conversation.

Wiggleworm...I would never advocate for abandoning monogamy. It is definitely NOT my intent to imply that everyone "should" embrace polyamory.

I merely question the automatic assumption that monogamy is the only option for dealing with this type of situation. That maybe if both open their eyes a tad and are comfortable with it, it can be an option where everyone wins.

And it's not to be done lightly. While, as I said, the poly couples I know are the strongest I know, if polyamory isn't done consciously, it will rip a couple apart toute suite.

Also, Jash...I answered your question in the spur of the moment. My answer still applies. However, after pondering it more, my answer would have been simply because I want to. I want to be married, free and polyamorous. No other reason is necessary.

And I would ask in return what your perspective is that you would even ask the question.

Wow. I am saddened that the break down in many relationships is so severe, that adding a third party in the bedroom seems the answer. What happened to counseling? If there is a problem in the bedroom there is a deeper reason. Communication needs to occur, not adultery, which is exactly what you suggest. I think monogamy is already in danger in our "do what feels right" society. The last thing we need to do is suggest that it is some reasonable form of sexual therapy to commit disloyalty to our significant other. Have you ever seen "Indecent Proposal"? Might have been different motives, but the same Idea. The couple in that movie thought that an "unemotional" one time thing with another man would solve their financial problems. But all it did was cause deeper problems in their marriage, that required far more work to get through. I am trying to be diplomatic here, but I am truly disgusted, not to be confused with being naive. I am married and have been through ups and downs in the bedroom. When there was a problem, it wasn't boredom or lack of technique, it was something occuring outside the bedroom. I am so disappointed that you would want to taint the commitment and vows, you know the ones about clinging to you and you only, that are the foundation of a marriage. Why get married in the first place? You answered to someone else that you simply wanted to be married, free, and polyamorous and no other reason is necessary. Do you also suggest that if we aren't making enough money that we break our commitment to follow the law and start doing illegal things just because we want to. I am sorry, but this is why society is run a muck. No one wants accountability anymore. Just do what feels good. It is a disrespect of marriages all over this country and it disgusts me. And what of this professional sexual companion? Sounds dangerously close to what Mayor Spitzer and many other celebrities have been arrested for. It is wrong. I don't care what word you put on it. While I respect you as a person, your viewpoint brings destruction to an institution that I hold very dear to my heart. So if I seem somewhat passionate, it is because.... I am.

This is a very interesting way to look at relationships. Although I don't agree with your idea of relationships, I respect it. Honestly, from my own personal experience, whenever there are more than two in an intimate relationship, there is always a factor of the emotion of jealousy. Also, it surprises me that the strongest relationships you know are polyamorous. As for me, I know that although there may be problems in relationships, getting your answers from elsewhere does not strengthen a relationship. It was interesting to read, but I disagree with you.

Hi, Sfleming..and thanks so much for stopping by and commenting.

I hear you are disgusted...I fully respect your right to be and I figured some/many would be.

Is it being "disloyal" if it is agreed upon and encouraged by both parties? How so?

"...taint the commitment and vows"....what if the couple doesn't feel their commitment and vows have been tainted? The poly people I know feel very committed to each other and often renew their vows every year, every day. Your vows may not be their vows or they might not hold the same meaning. Maybe they don't want to cling...maybe they want to set their partners free.

This might not be your flavor of committment and vows, but it is theirs. I ask with complete respect: do their vows and commitment not count because they are different than yours? Does their definition of marriage have to mirror yours to be a marriage?

My apologies but I don't understand the connection of the discussion to breaking the law.

Again...I am not suggesting lying. I am not suggesting deceit. I would completely agree with you that communication, counseling and therapy are the first steps. I've said, repeatedly, that I am not suggesting this for everyone, NOR THAT IT BE DONE LIGHTLY.

I am not suggesting this as a first step nor am I suggesting to do it without a great deal of communication and truth telling. I am suggesting a new vision, a new approach, a new perspective that I've seen work and keep marriage intact and thriving. I can see it's not one you would choose for yourself :) and that's OK.

There are times when, in the end, one person in the relationship is being required to let go of a huge aspect of their makeup so that the other can feel comfortable.

Let me ask you (if you return here)...what happens if a woman wants/needs yearns to have sex. Her husband does not. As frequency of sex in a monogamous marriage tends to follow the lowest interest, they don't have sex. This is his choice, not hers, yet she is being required to have it be hers.

She asks. She waits. She tries everything she knows to do to arouse him. They go to couselling. She waits, tries for years (and yes, I know people like this..not person..people...many).

She's going nuts, feeling like life is passing her by, feeling like less of a woman. She loves her husband, he loves her. They have built a family and want it to continue. So she continues to wait, slowly dying inside.

Now...I know that for some this desire for sex is low. So they have a difficult time understanding the extent to which this woman needs, desires and feels like she is missing out on a huge aspect of her life without sex. For them, it is an easy thing to suggest she just let it all go. Society judges her for her desire to be fulfilled in this way, calling her selfish. It's the current paradigm to require that people just let go of their sex drive if their monogamous partner doesn't want sex. It's expected.

The husband loves his wife and sees what's going on for her. He understands that he doesn't want to change. In the end, after pursuing many other options. he suggests to her that she go find a lover so she gets that fulfillment. She does. This makes her happy. She has more to give to him and the family because she is more fulfilled as a woman and a human. It makes him happy seeing her happy.

Again...I've seen this numerous times, experienced it, been a part of it. It's not theory. It's just one way, a new perspective. A scary one...one that pushes buttons...one that people judge. But it can...again CAN...for the right situation...work wonders.

If they both choose it, both benefit from it, why is is wrong?

This is a very thought provoking subject and I really like the approach you chose in order to present your ideas. Sometimes when we are feeling uncertain or indecisive about what action to take, reading material that challenges conventional thinking can prove to be very insightful. It helps us evaluate what is most important to us and why.
Reading this has allowed me to go through some reactions and thought processes that I think really help me better understand my own personal struggles.

I look forward to reading more in the future!

I've been curious about the topic of polyamory for a while now because I have met polyamorous couples who are so committed to their own spiritual growth, their own heart expansion and ability to love more and fierce committment to intimacy and communication with their primary partner that it intrigued me as a body-based spiritual path . I don't know if I could ever pull it off. It is a lot of work. All the normal human emotions come up like jealousy, comparison, confusion, insecurity .. but they face them head on and are transparent about these experiences, thoughts, feelings. It's been amazing to watch these couples love and care about others, enhance and enrich their lives and deepen their relationship with one another by loving more, loving others, caring about multiple people. I had one polyamourous man say that a relationship best opens up when it is strong not weak so I am not sure if a relationship already in trouble with lack of communication would survive but it sure would shake things up and probably make it or break it. And I know they have gone both ways. But it is most beautiful when both are in total agreement and committment.

As the topic of this post is A New Paradigm for Differing Libidos I'll try not to digress into the general value I see in Polyamory too much. The two solutions you have to differing libidos are so sensible. I didn't notice you mentioning that there was anything "wrong" with either particular partner, simply that their libidos differ and what's to be done with that. Therapy isn't going to fix something that isn't broken. And I find myself a bit annoyed by some of the comments that remind me of so much I heard during the proposition 8 campaign that recently passed in California, banning same sex marriage. People who voted yes on 8 believe that the only "true" and "right" definition of marriage is their definition. Using words like "disloyalty" and"adultery", while suggesting that polyamorous couples need therapy, don't communicate, are disgusting, bring destruction to a union that others hold dear (proposition 8 all over again) etc. saddens my heart and annoys me. The tenets of polyamory are about commitment, truth telling, communication, loyalty, accountability, self-responsibility and taking care of the hearts of those you love as well as taking care of your own needs. You can choose to be monogamous in your own marriage and that may be a beautiful thing for you but don't tell me that marriage means monogamy. You don't get to define the institution of marriage for me. Hold dear what you hold dear and I will do the same. Your marriage vows are yours and mine are mine. If I was to say that your monogamy is a "threat" to my marriage, that would be ridiculous, just as ridiculous as you saying that me having multiple sexual loving partners is a threat to your marriage.

This was definitely a different approach. At the start of this article I expected your ideas to be completely different. None of your solutions would work for me, but perhaps there are people out there who can benefit...

This certainly did create a stir, as you expected. I agree with the idea here, but experience tells me these relationships don't last long. Oh, they can be wonderful while they last, but don't count on anything permanent. Even honesty can't overcome the insecurity most of us carry around when it comes to our partners, like it or not.

Wow, I'm actually a little thrown off, I've never heard of anything like this but its interesting. I'm in a monogamous relationship with a parapaligic, and he is in the mood rarely I am constantly aroused. We are never on the same page, and I have been searching for answers. I think I might have found new options to look into. Thank you so much for the information!!

I don't mean to be flippant, but what's wrong with just asking the overly-amorous partner to go without occasionally, and asking the insufficiently-amorous partner to sometimes buck up and put out? This is not the only area in a couples life that requires some compromise.

Hi...it's been awhile since I've been back here. It takes me awhile to become a creature of habit in differing venues and I'm trying out creating controversy in my life vs. being happy and peaceful in my little world.

ysomogyi- The relationships that I know are people who are extremely spiritual and live it every day. They use their relationship, the jealousy that can come up, as a tool for spiritual growth. The do the work with their partners.

The poly relationships I know are people who have been together over a decade...usually at least 15 years. Not only are the long lived, but they are thriving, juicy, alive relationships..not ones that slowly wither. These couples aren't poly because they have a dysfunction in their relationships, they do it because they want to. And I would agree that it takes very unique people for it to work.

limegreenstars- Your situation is on example that I know of where this works really well. It still takes work as a couple, but for the right couple it is perfect.

Ceviche...Since this is a site for people who are interested in personal growth--I assumed that people would understand that I was not suggesting that it be the first option if the couple was formerly monogamous. I'm not talking about step one, I'm talking about long term and we've tried lots of options what haven't worked.

As I said in the article...I was a Courtesan. I've also been a trained Sex Surrogate Parner (working with therapists and clients in a therapeutic triangle of care). I've had clients where one partner is perfectly content with being asexual...in one case for over eight years. She felt no need to "buck up."

Also...when was the last time you wanted to be sexual with someone who was only there because they had to "buck up and put out." If they don't want to be there, then they aren't engaged and it isn't sex. The more amorous partner generally decides it's better to be asexual. I don't know you so don't know if you've ever been in this situation, but until you've walked in another's shoes, it's hard to imagine how it affects people.

And how you and your partner might respond might be different than others. Truthfully, my professional experience tells me this situation is widespread and your suggestion generally doesn't work. What happens is that the more amorous one simply stops pushing it, shuts down and/or secretly looks elsewhere. And while we might wish it was different (myself included) it's what's REAL. Unfortunately, by the time a relationship reaches this stage, things don't get answered by some "5 Steps To A Better Sex Life" article on yahoo.

Thanks, again, to all who come here. I wish you Blessings.

I've got to disagree with this 100% if you are married. I took my vows very seriously. I guess if my partner wasn't as interested as I I'd either settle for a little less or find ways to make my partner want more in a fun way. I have had several sets of friends with an open relationship. It ended up not too good!

I like the concept of thinking outside the proverbial box, but I have to say that human emotions and societal brainwashing will get in the way of most people ever being able to fully embrace your ideas. Monogamy is pushed down our throats from birth in this country and in many other countries. I have to say that this would not work for me personally, nor for a lot of people, and I am curious what your suggestions would be to a couple with these issues that DO want to remain together and monogamous?

Hi, chelle123...the poly people I know take their vows very seriously, too. Very. And they would be quite offended if you implied they didn't.

And tell me...what if your partner didn't think your ideas were fun?
What if you had to settle for a lot less...like once a year or once every other year? This is the reality of many, many marriages.
Theories are great...however they don't often work.

And finally, I'm sure that many poly relationships don't work. Many monogamous ones don't either, so I'm confused as to why that's a point.

Hi, Heathcole...

Complicated answer and so subject to circumstances.

First off, I want to reiterate, again, that I wrote this as an idea after many other ideas have been considered.

Second- let me be clear, again, that I would have suggested a I would Sex therapist as a couple to find out what's going on first. It could be a number of things (physical, stress, time, etc.)

If the couple began with the same sex drive, and one or the other person's drive went south, then it may be that it's indicative of a deeper issue for the couple that's not being addressed. (I find it so interesting that a woman's libido diminishes in a relationship but the minute she gets a divorce, all of a sudden it returns and she's ready to play BIG time).

Usually I've found that there's some Truth not being told by the partner whose libido has gone down. I also think that libidos are the first thing to go when there's stress in a relationship. And, again, I would not suggest this alternative to an unhealthy relationship.

If the couple feels solid and that there aren't any more issues to address, and it's merely a matter of one person's libido having gone away, then the partner who wants to have sex more has to simply decide it's OK to not get what they want. They have to take responsibility for making this choice (not blaming the other). If they are spiritual people, maybe they see this as an opportunity to expand by surrendering to "what is" as they would any challenge.

In order for the relationship to truly survive and continue to flourish, the person not getting what they want will have to make that decision and choice and not hold onto anger or else the relationship will wither and die.

It's good to see people seriously suggesting alternative methods of solving a problem. Barring a medical problem, it's nearly impossible to change a person's libido. It is what it is and everyone is content with their own. Two people with different enough needs can't be solved by just "working harder", it requires a new approach to keeping both people happy.