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Can you have a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man?
A healthy relationship with an emotionally unavailable man is like a threesome with Brad Pitt and George Clooney. Only in your dreams. And yet this is the most popular question I get. Click your heels three times if you’ve heard this before.
“I’ve been dating this guy for (X Months) now and I like him more than anyone I’ve met in a long time. I see him (Y times) a week and while he tells me he cares about me and ultimately wants to settle down, he also makes it very clear that he’s not in a good place right now. I believe him and really want to make this work but I’m not sure I can take it anymore because I want a future with him. The uncertainty is killing me. Can I get him to commit or should I get out now?”
Here is my point of view based on scenarios I typically hear:
1. Dating for several months. Seeing each other once a week.
Is this guy a boyfriend? Or just a guy you sleep with once a week. A boyfriend is committed to you. He calls you every day. He buys you things because he’s thinking of you. He wants to see you during most of his spare time. Ask yourself if this guy passes those boyfriend tests.
2. Shuts me out. No contact for a day. Not invited to parties.
Not very boyfriend like. You know how I can tell? I’ve BEEN that guy. I’ve dated people who I liked but didn’t want to lose, but went out to parties seeing if I could trade up. And as long as he can keep you around without committing to you, who can blame him?
3. Likes to move slowly. Values his independence. Shies from change.
Looks like you should be doing PR for this guy, because you’ve bought all of his bullshit excuses, hook, line and sinker.
4. Told me he’s not emotionally in a place for a relationship – Um, and what was it you said you wanted? That’s right. A relationship.
5. Said I deserved to have what I wanted and had a right to walk away
Hey! The first thing he’s gotten right.
So listen to this man of integrity and take his sage advice.
Walk away and don’t look back.
If he follows, you’ll know you’ll have yourself a boyfriend who values you and will follow you to the end of the earth. That is what you deserve.
If he doesn’t, then he’s not all that serious about keeping you in his life, is he?
It kills me to hear sweet women holding onto a prayer like this.
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No.
I was in a 2 year "friendship" with an EU, suffice to say heart broken due to no commitment. Was in hiatus for one year and realized that I had a pattern with EU relationships. I have my own intimacy issues and its so easy to blame others for it. I am back with him "for sex" missed the once a week affection time. It meets the need on some level while working on my intimacy issues and seeking men who can be emotionally available for a real relationship.
Haha, I have to say that it is in my dreams to have a threesome with George Clooney and Brad Pitt. =) Whether it's an emotionally unavailable man or woman, if two people want to have a healthy relationship, they must be at the similar place in life. I think it's fine for two people to have just "fun" relationship both in the same page and knowing that it will not go any further into marriage. But you are right in the sense that it's usually men who are emotionally unavailable.
Great advice from a man's point of view! I totally get being fed up with that same old drama from some of my girlfriends. Why's it so obvious to the rest of us that it's a losing proposition?
As a woman, this scenario has always driven me nuts. I'm a straight-forward kind of gal, so I know when and when not to become involved with a guy. I would love to share this advice with some of my female friends. I tell them time and time again, but they just don't get it. Maybe, if they see it coming from a man, it might drive the point home.
Also, thanks for recommending "He's Just Not That Into You." It sounds interesting and I'll have to check it out.
Brad Pitt, George Clooney?! WOW....I want to be with a emotionally unavailable man. If it involves sleeping with those hot boys!
Oh girls *sigh*, you make things harder than they are!
I love what you said and how you said it Even and yes that book "He's Just Not That Into You" is wonderful and a fun read. I think Evan said it so well though because a lot of women might be making excuses because they also perhaps don't know what a healthy relationship ought to look like and this is the best thing they have experienced so far. As tough as it is to cut the loss and move on, it's better than being hurt and letting a lot of time go by before you cut the guy loose. There are woman for sure that play the same game. I think being really honest about what one wants and taking actions consistent with that is key. It can be tough but it is usually better to walk away sooner rather than later.
I highly recommend reading the book "He's Just Not That Into You," by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. The advice works for anyone, female or male, who might be wondering IF they are in the right relationship. Of course, I also recommend that one looks into their own patterns, and corrects any behaviors that really no longer serve their highest good. If you've done that, and still there are no changes, then it's time to leave.
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