About PeopleJam | Ad Network | Newsroom | Interested in joining PeopleJam as a Business Partner?
Copyright 2008 PeopleJam, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Privacy Policy | Terms of use | Feedback | Newsletter
Chest-unloading sans explosion
people love to get things off their chests. it's our privilege. it's our compulsion.
we all seem to be hardwired with the thought, "if i have an opinion, i need to share it!" we dwell on our thoughts/hurts/feelings/longings until we feel about to burst, and then we MUST TAKE ACTION! and that action -- let's be honest here -- rarely yields the results about which we fantasized.
in fact, to keep from bursting, you may cause an explosion with someone else.
the funny thing about this is that we don't intend to do damage with our chest-unloading. in our minds, there is a brand of logic that exists that says doing this will actually help the situation. this logic, though, is emotional "logic" (slogan: "looks like logic, but with 90% more feelings-based irrationality!").
here is the process we go through when we're deciding what to do with our tormented inner dialogue:
thinking on feelings ---> sensing accumulation in the chest area ---> wanting to clear away that accumulation ---> thinking that the person involved in the feelings can fix it ---> dumping the feelings on that unsuspecting person ---> awaiting that person to respond ---> damage
here's the deal: stuff that sits on our chest is stuff we need to sort through. there is no question on that. but when we get to the step where we think about giving it to another person, the two following questions must be asked:
1. what is my intention in sharing this matter with that person?
2. what will discussing this matter with that person accomplish?
if the real answer comes out that sharing the matter is actually to vent & feel vindicated, then emotional logic has hijacked our reasoning. a mature action is to sort it out either on our own or with the help of an uninvolved third party (emphasis on "uninvolved").
are you dealing with a situation where you feel about to burst? have you been considering a chest-unload that may affect someone else? press pause on yourself & answer the two questions above before proceeding. whether it's anger about another's inconsiderate behavior, guilt over your own behavior, or pesky pesky unrequited love, your action here will either perpetuate or soothe the situation.
learn to unload without exploding. there is a lot less clean-up that way.
Add To:
If you enjoyed this article, subscribe to our newsletter and we'll keep you updated with fresh new content.
If everyone paused to answer these couple of questions, I think the world would be a much more peaceful place! This is a great reference and reminder to stop before you 'lose it' especially on an unsuspecting someone else.
Sometimes I wish I COULD explode on someone. It would be nice if everyone had the same natural aversion to it.
it certainly would eliminate the excessive need for arbitration/mediation we seem to require these days.
This is one of the most difficult things for me to master.
I suffer from "I have to prove I'm right" syndrome, and battles ensue that last for hours.
Not so healthy.
I really like your analysis of these kinds of situations!
I know what you mean. So many people mirror our stuff back at us, it's better to handle it before you BOTH blow up!
I could NOT agree more. My partner recently wrote a blog on her MySpace about how hard it is to have friends. She was venting about some issues she had recently had with a few key friends. She was bombarded with emails and comments from friends worried that they were the ones she was talking about. It ended up in a lot of drama and some friendships ending (mind you it was the ones she was complaining about). Venting is important, but sometimes you need to vent to another person first. Get your composure and THEN address the person you have the issue with.
I am the first one to scream that I hate drama, but I'm also the first one that if I have a problem with someone.. I never hesitate to approach them with it. It's just the type of person I am. I guess, that in a sense, it makes me feel better about the situation. Because I think the person that I have a problem with needs to know what they're doing wrong. I don't want to hide or push those feelings away, because eventually they'll all pile up and overwhelm me, leading to me completely blowing up. I think if you express to a person that you have a problem with them, and you let them know what they're doing wrong... I think if they care about you or the friendship, then they'll do what it takes to demolish the problem. I do agree that you should get yourself together, figure out what you want to say and how you want to say, so there's no negative feelings afterwards. At least what you're doing will have a good point and hopefully a good result.
These are great questions to ponder before we speak. I need to ask myself these questions more. Thanks for the great ideas!
These ideas are rational in theory, but the trick is definitely in the practical application. Some times I find it hard to show consideration for someone who deliberately and consistently does the opposite for me. In those situations, I feel an urge to let the other person know that I don't want to deal with them anymore. That other person's feelings to me are unimportant at that point.
11 Comments